LETTER141 - The Works of Charles and Mary Lamb — Volume 5 - Charles Lamb - 其他小说 - 30读书

LETTER141

letter141

marylambtosarahstoddart

[november9and14,1805.]

mydearsarah,—afteraveryfeverishnight,iwritalettertoyou;andihavebeendistressedaboutiteversince.inthefirstplace,ihavethoughtitreatedtoolightlyyourdifferenceswithyourbrother—whichifreelyenterintoandfeelfor,butwhichiratherwishedtodefersayingmuchabouttillwemeet.butthatwhichgivesmemostconcernisthewayinwhichitalkedaboutyourmother'sillness,andwhichihavesincefearedyoumightconstrueintomyhavingadoubtofyourshowingherproperattentionwithoutmyimpertinentinterference.godknows,nothingofthiskindwaseverinmythoughts;butihaveenteredverydeeplyintoyourafflictionwithregardtoyourmother;andwhileiwaswishing,themanypoorsoulsinthekindofdespondingwaysheisin,whomihaveseen,cameafreshintomymind;andallthemismanagementwithwhichihaveseenthemtreatedwasstronginmymind,andiwroteunderaforcibleimpulse,whichicouldnotatthattimeresist,butihavefrettedsomuchaboutitsince,thatithinkitisthelasttimeiwilleverletmypenrunawaywithme.

yourkindheartwill,iknow,evenifyouhavebeenalittledispleased,forgiveme,wheniassureyoumyspiritshavebeensomuchhurtbymylastillness,thatattimesihardlyknowwhatido.idonotmeantoalarmyouaboutmyself,ortopleadanexcuse;butiamverymuchotherwisethanyouhavealwaysknownme.idonotthinkanyoneperceivesmealtered,butihavelostallself-confidenceinmyownactions,andonecauseofmylowspiritsis,thatineverfeelsatisfiedwithanythingido—aperceptionofnotbeinginasanestateperpetuallyhauntsme.iamashamedtoconfessthisweaknesstoyou;which,asiamsosensibleof,ioughttostrivetoconquer.butitellyou,thatyoumayexcuseanypartofmyletterthathasgivenoffence:foryournotansweringit,whenyouaresuchapunctualcorrespondent,hasmademeveryuneasy.

writeimmediately,mydearsarah,butdonotnoticethisletter,nordonotmentionanythingisaidrelativetoyourpoormother.yourhandwritingwillconvincemeyouarefriendswithme;andifcharles,whomustseemyletter,wastoknowihadfirstwrittenfoolishly,andthenfrettedabouttheeventofmyfolly,hewouldbothwaysbeangrywithme.

iwoulddesireyoutodirecttomeathome,butyourhandissowellknowntocharles,thatthatwouldnotdo.therefore,takenonoticeofmymegrumstillwemeet,whichimostardentlylongtodo.anhourspentinyourcompanywouldbeacordialtomydroopingheart.

praywritedirectly,andbelieveme,ever

youraffectionatefriend,

m.lamb.

nov.l4.—ihavekeptthisbymetillto-day,hopingeverydaytohearfromyou.ifyoufoundthesealaclumsyone,itisbecauseiopenedthewafer.

write,ibeg,bythereturnofthepost;andasiamveryanxioustohearwhetheryouare,asifear,dissatisfiedwithme,youshall,ifyouplease,directmylettertonurse.herdirectionis,mrs.grant,atmr.smith's,maidenhead,ramcourt,fleetstreet.

iwasnotable,youknow,tonotice,wheniwrittomalta,yourletterconcerninganinsultyoureceivedfromavilewretchthere;andasimostlyshowmyletterstocharles,ihavenevernameditsince.diditevercometoyourbrother'sknowledge?charlesandiwereveryuneasyatyouraccountofit.iwishicouldseeyou.

yoursever,

m.lamb.

idonotmeantocontinueasecretcorrespondence,butyoumustobligemewiththisoneletter.infutureiwillalwaysshowmylettersbeforetheygo,whichwillbeapropercheckuponmywaywardpen.