LETTER112

letter112

marylambtosarahstoddart

[datedatend:september21,1803.]

mydearsarah,ireturnedhomefrommyvisityesterday,andwasmuchpleasedtofindyourletter;forihavebeenveryanxioustohearhowyouaregoingon.icouldhardlyhelpexpectingtoseeyouwhenicamein;yet,thoughishouldhaverejoicedtohaveseenyourmerryfaceagain,ibelieveitwasbetterasitwas—uponthewhole;and,allthingsconsidered,itiscertainlybetteryoushouldgotomalta.thetermsyouareuponwithyourloverdoes(asyousayitwill)appearwondrousstrangetome;however,asicannotenterintoyourfeelings,icertainlycanhavenothingtosaytoit,onlythatisincerelywishyouhappyinyourownway,howeveroddthatwaymayappeartometobe.iwouldbeginnowtoadviseyoutodropallcorrespondencewithwilliam;but,asisaidbefore,asicannotenterintoyourfeelingsandviewsofthings,yourwaysnotbeingmyways,whyshoulditellyouwhatiwoulddoinyoursituation?so,child,takethyownways,andgodprospertheeinthem!

onethingmyadvisingspiritmustsay—useaslittlesecrecyaspossible;and,asmuchaspossible,makeafriendofyoursister-in-law—youknowiwasnotstruckwithheratfirstsight;but,uponyouraccount,ihavewatchedandmarkedherveryattentively;and,whileshewaseatingabitofcoldmuttoninourkitchen,wehadaseriousconversation.fromthefranknessofhermanner,iamconvincedsheisapersonicouldmakeafriendof;whyshouldnotyou?wetalkedfreelyaboutyou:sheseemstohaveajustnotionofyourcharacter,andwillbefondofyou,ifyouwilllether.

myfatherhadasisterlivedwithus—ofcourse,livedwithmymother,hersister-in-law;theywere,intheirdifferentways,thebestcreaturesintheworld—buttheysetoutwrongatfirst.theymadeeachothermiserableforfulltwentyyearsoftheirlives—mymotherwasaperfectgentlewoman,myauntyasunlikeagentlewomanasyoucanpossiblyimagineagoodoldwomantobe;sothatmydearmother(who,thoughyoudonotknowit,isalwaysinmypoorheadandheart)usedtodistressandwearyherwithincessantandunceasingattentionandpoliteness,togainheraffection.theoldwomancouldnotreturnthisinkind,anddidnotknowwhattomakeofit—thoughtitalldeceit,andusedtohatemymotherwithabitterhatred;which,ofcourse,wassoonreturnedwithinterest.alittlefrankness,andlookingintoeachother'scharactersatfirst,wouldhavesparedallthis,andtheywouldhavelived,astheydied,fondofeachotherforthelastfewyearsoftheirlife.whenwegrewup,andharmonisedthemalittle,theysincerelylovedeachother.

myauntandmymotherwerewhollyunlikeyouandyoursister,yetinsomedegreetheirsisthesecrethistoryibelieveofallsisters-in-law—andyouwillsmilewhenitellyouithinkmyselftheonlywomanintheworldwhocouldlivewithabrother'swife,andmakearealfriendofher,partlyfromearlyobservationoftheunhappyexampleihavejustgivenyou,andpartlyfromaknackiknowihaveoflookingintopeople'srealcharacters,andneverexpectingthemtoactoutofit—neverexpectinganothertodoasiwouldinthesamecase.whenyouleaveyourmother,andsay,ifyounevershallseeheragain,youshallfeelnoremorse,andwhenyoumakeajewishbargainwithyourlover,allthisgivesmenooffence,becauseitisyournature,andyourtemper,andidonotexpectorwantyoutobeotherwisethanyouare.iloveyouforthegoodthatisinyou,andlookfornochange.but,certainly,yououghttolewiththeevilthatdoesmosteasilybesetyou—atotalwantofpolitenessinbehaviour,iwouldsaymodestyofbehaviour,butthatishouldnotconveytoyoumyideaofthewordmodesty;foricertainlydonotmeanthatyouwantrealmodesty;andwhatisusuallycalledfalse,ormock,modestyis[aquality]icertainlydonotwishyoutopossess;yetitrustyouknowwhatimeanwellenough.

secrecy,thoughyouappearallfrankness,iscertainlyagrandfailingofyours;itislikewiseyourbrother's,and,therefore,afamilyfailing—bysecrecy,imeanyoubothwantthehabitoftellingeachotheratthemomenteverythingthathappens—whereyougo,—andwhatyoudo,—thefreecommunicationoflettersandopinionsjustastheyarrive,ascharlesandido,—andwhichis,afterall,theonlygroundworkoffriendship.yourbrother,iwillanswerfor[it,]willnevertellhiswifeorhissisterallthat[isin]hismind—hewillreceiveletters,andnot[mentionit].thisisafaultmrs.stoddartcannever[tellhimof;]butshecan,andwill,feelit:though,[on]thewhole,andineveryotherrespect,sheis[very]happywithhim.begin,forgod'ssake,atthefirst,andtellhereverythingthatpasses.atfirstshemayhearyouwithindifference;butintimethiswillgainheraffectionandconfidence;showherallyourletters(nomatterifshedoesnotshowhers)—itisapleasantthingforafriendtoputintoone'shandaletterjustfreshfromthepost.iwouldevensay,beginwithshowingherthis,butthatitiswrittenfreelyandloosely,andsomeapologyoughttobemadeforit—whichiknownothowtomake,forimustwritefreelyornotatall.

ifyoudothis,shewilltellyourbrother,youwillsay;andwhatthen,"ha?itwillbegetafreercommunicationamongstyou,whichisathingdevoutlytobewished—

godblessyou,andgrantyoumaypreserveyourintegrity,andremainunmarriedandpenniless,andmakewilliamagoodandahappywife.

youraffectionatefriend,

m.lamb.

charlesisveryunwell,andmyheadaches.hesendshislove:mine,withmybestwishes,toyourbrotherandsister.

ihopeishallgetanotherletterfromyou.

wednesday,21stseptember,1803.

[sarahstoddartwasthesisterofdr.johnstoddart,whohadjustbeenappointedtheking'sandtheadmiralty'sadvocateatmalta,whithermissstoddartfollowedhim.herloverofthatmomentwasamr.turner,andwilliamwasanearlierloverstill.hersister-in-lawwasmrs.johnstoddart,néeisabellamoncrieff,whomherbrotherhadonlyjustmarried.

"mymother."thisistheonlyreferencetohermotherinanyofmary

lamb'sletters.thesisterwassarahlamb,usuallyknownasaunthetty.]