第18章青春不散场(17)

第18章青春不散场(17)

thesecondtuesdaycame.iwroteonmycard，“astitchintimegathersnomoss.”again，nottrustinghim，icoveredmyselfwithhumor，whichhadalwaysbeenmybestdefenseagainstunwantedcloseness.thenextdaythecardcamebackwiththisnote：“youseemtohaveasenseofhumor.isthisanimportantpartofyourlife？”whatdidhewant？whatwasgoingonhere？icouldn’trememberateachercaringpersonallyaboutmesinceelementaryschool.whatdidthismanwant？

now，iraceddownthehallway，10minuteslatetoclass.justoutsidethedoor，itookanindexcardfrommynotebookandwrotemynameandthedateonit.desperateforsomethingtowriteonit，icouldonlythinkaboutthefighti’djusthadwithmydad.“iamthesonofanidiot！”iwroteandthendashedintotheroom.hestood，conductingadiscussion，nearthedoor.lookingupatme，hereachedoutforthecardandihandedittohimandtookmyseat.

themomentireachedmyseat，ifeltoverwhelmedwithdread，whathadidone？igavehimthatcard！oh，no！ididn’tmeantoletthatout.nowhe’llknowaboutmyanger，aboutmydad，aboutmylife！idon’trememberanythingabouttherestofthatclasssession.allicouldthinkaboutwasthecard.

ihaddifficultysleepingthatnight，filledwithanamelessdread.whatcouldthesecardsbeallabout？whydiditellhimthataboutmydad？supposehecontactsmydad？whatbusinessisitofhisanyway？

wednesdaymorningarrivedandireluctantlygotreadyforschool.whenigottotheclass，iwasearly.iwantedtositinbackandhideasbesticould.theclassbegananddr.simonbegangivingbackthethoughtcards.heputmineonthedeskfacedownaswashisusualpractice.ipickeditup，almostunabletoturnitover.

whenilookedatthefaceofthecard，hehadwritten，“whatdoes‘thesonofanidiot’dowiththerestofhislife？”itfeltlikesomeonehadpunchedmeinthestomach.ihadspentalotoftimehangingoutinthestudentunioncafeteriatalkingwithotheryoungmenabouttheproblemsihad“becauseofmyparents”.andthey，too，sharedthesamesortofmaterialwithme.noonechallengedanyonetotakerespossibilityforhimself.no，weallacceptedtheparent-blaminggamewithrelief.everythingwasourparents’fault.ifwedidpoorlyontests，blamemom.ifwejustmissedgettingastudent-aidjob，blamedad.iconstantlycomplainedaboutmyfolksandalltheguysnoddedsagely.thesefolkswhowerepayingthetuitionwerecertainlyaninterferingbunchoffools，weren’tthey？

sidneysimon’sinnocent-seemingquestionpuncturedthatballoon.itgotrighttotheheartoftheissue：whoseproblemisit？whoseresponsibilityareyou？

iskippedgoingtothestudentunionthatdayandwentstraighthome，strangelydepressed，chastened.alleveningithoughtaboutitandaboutsomethingmymotherhadsaid：“themillionairecallshimselfa‘self-mademan，’butifhegetsarrested，heblameshisabusiveparents.”

iwishicouldsaythatiexperiencedamagicaltransformationbutitwasn’ttrue.however，dr.simon’scommentwasinsidious.itkeptcomingupinmymindoverthenextfewweeks.againandagain，asiheardmyselfblamingmyfatherforthisorthat，alittleinternalvoicesaid，“okay，supposeyourfatherisallthosebadthingsyousaid.howlongdoyouthinkyoucangetawaywithblaminghimforyourlife？”

slowly，inexorably，mythinkingshifted.iheardmyselfblamingalot.afterawhile，irealizedthatihadcreatedalifeinwhichiwasnotacentralfigure！iwastheobjectoftheaction，notthesubject.thatfeltevenmoreuncomfortablethananyfeelingihadindr.simon’sclass.ididn’twanttobeapuppet.iwantedtobeanactor，notareactor.theprocessofgrowthwasn’teasyorfast.ittookoverayearbeforepeoplenoticedthatiwastakingresponsibilityformyownactions，myownchoices，myownfeelings.iwassurprisedathowmygradesimprovedinallmysubjects.iwasastoundedattheincreaseinthenumber—andquality—ofmyfriends.iwasequallyastonishedbyhowmuchsmartermyfatherseemed.

allthroughthisprocess，ikeptsendinginmythoughtcards.later，itookanothercoursewiththisuniqueteacher.iworkedharderforhimthanihadinanyotherclassihadevertaken.witheachthoughtcardcamemoreunsettlingquestionsforthought.

severalyearslater，iwasastoundedatmyownprogress.fromaling，marginalstudentibecameaessfulstudentandthenaessfulhighschoolteacher.iwentfromconstantangerandconstantavoidanceofthenecessaryworkinmylifetosomeonewhowasenergized，excited，purposefulandevenjoyful.

myrelationshipwithmyfatheralsoimproveddramatically.insteadofcontrolling，nowisawhimasconcernedandcaring.irecognizedthathedidn’thave“smooth”waysofparentingmebutthathisintentionswereveryloving.thefightsdiminishedandfinallydisappeared.ilearnedtoseemyfatherasasmart，wiseandlovingman.anditallstartedwithaquestion，aninnocent-seemingquestion.

我不得不承认，大学一年级的我仍然是一个脾气暴躁的青年。无论怎样，我看这个世界总是不顺眼，到处发脾气。我觉得从父母那里根本得不到快乐，这也是我生气的主要原因。父亲的管教更加令我恼火。

因为经济上的原因，我选择了一所当地的大学，每天乘坐公交车去上课。一天，我与父亲大吵了一架。我觉得，他总是试图控制我，然而，我想挣脱这种束缚，过自由的生活。他竭力维护自己的家长权威，说我太叛逆。我们两个人都气急败坏地大叫起来。我怒气冲冲地出了门，到车站时已经错过了一班车。如果坐下一班车，我就会因迟到而赶不上教育课。一想到这里，我就更加气愤。

在去学校的路上，我一直在发火和叹息。整个大脑塞满了我对父亲的愤恨，就像许多小青年一样，以自我为中心，并且深信这个世界上没有一个人像我这样悲惨，遇上这么一个不通情理的父亲，还受到这么不公平的对待。毕竟，我是一名风华正茂的大学生，而我的父亲甚至连高中都没有念完。与他相比，我强得多了，他有什么资格干涉我的生活和理想呢？

我向上教育课的教学楼跑去，当我穿过校园弯曲的小径时，忽然想起要交的作业“思想卡”，然而，我还没有写完。

西德尼？毕？西蒙博士担任这门课的教师，他是这个学校里最有个性的老师。人们常常这样谈论西蒙博士：他采用的教学方法和过程很独特，他制定了具有革命性的学习评价原则成绩评估，他使用的教学方法令人目不暇接。