Chapter23

philipthoughtoccasionallyoftheking’sschoolattercanbury,andlaughedtohimselfasherememberedwhatatsomeparticularmomentofthedaytheyweredoing.nowandthenhedreamedthathewastherestill,anditgavehimanextraordinarysatisfaction,onawaking,torealisethathewasinhislittleroomintheturret.fromhisbedhecouldseethegreatcumuluscloudsthathunginthebluesky.herevelledinhisfreedom.hecouldgotobedwhenhechoseandgetupwhenthefancytookhim.therewasnoonetoorderhimabout.itstruckhimthatheneednottellanymorelies.

ithadbeenarrangedthatprofessorerlinshouldteachhimlatinandgerman;afrenchmancameeverydaytogivehimlessonsinfrench;andthefrauprofessorhadrecommendedformathematicsanenglishmanwhowastakingaphilologicaldegreeattheuniversity.thiswasamannamedwharton.philipwenttohimeverymorning.helivedinoneroomonthetopfloorofashabbyhouse.itwasdirtyanduntidy,anditwasfilledwithapungentodourmadeupofmanydifferentstinks.hewasgenerallyinbedwhenphiliparrivedatteno’clock,andhejumpedout,putonafilthydressing-gownandfeltslippers,and,whilehegaveinstruction,atehissimplebreakfast.hewasashortman,stoutfromexcessivebeerdrinking,withaheavymoustacheandlong,unkempthair.hehadbeeningermanyforfiveyearsandwasbecomeveryteutonic.hespokewithscornofcambridgewherehehadtakenhisdegreeandwithhorrorofthelifewhichawaitedhimwhen,havingtakenhisdoctorateinheidelberg,hemustreturntoenglandandapedagogiccareer.headoredthelifeofthegermanuniversitywithitshappyfreedomanditsjollycompanionships.hewasamemberofaburschenschaft,andpromisedtotakephiliptoakneipe.hewasverypoorandmadenosecretthatthelessonshewasgivingphilipmeantthedifferencebetweenmeatforhisdinnerandbreadandcheese.sometimesafteraheavynighthehadsuchaheadachethathecouldnotdrinkhiscoffee,andhegavehislessonwithheavinessofspirit.fortheseoccasionshekeptafewbottlesofbeerunderthebed,andoneoftheseandapipewouldhelphimtobeartheburdenoflife.

“ahairofthedogthatbithim,”hewouldsayashepouredoutthebeer,carefullysothatthefoamshouldnotmakehimwaittoolongtodrink.

thenhewouldtalktophilipoftheuniversity,thequarrelsbetweenrivalcorps,theduels,andthemeritsofthisandthatprofessor.philiplearntmoreoflifefromhimthanofmathematics.sometimeswhartonwouldsitbackwithalaughandsay:

“lookhere,we’venotdoneanythingtoday.youneedn’tpaymeforthelesson.”  “oh,itdoesn’tmatter,”saidphilip.

thiswassomethingnewandveryinteresting,andhefeltthatitwasofgreaterimportthantrigonometry,whichhenevercouldunderstand.itwaslikeawindowonlifethathehadachanceofpeepingthrough,andhelookedwithawildlybeatingheart.

“no,youcankeepyourdirtymoney,”saidwharton.

“buthowaboutyourdinner?”saidphilip,withasmile,forheknewexactlyhowhismaster’sfinancesstood.

whartonhadevenaskedhimtopayhimthetwo

shillingswhichthelessoncostonceaweekratherthanonceamonth,sinceitmadethingslesscomplicated.

“oh,nevermindmydinner.itwon’tbethefirsttimei’vedinedoffabottleofbeer,andmymind’sneverclearerthanwhenido.”

hedivedunderthebed(thesheetsweregraywithwantofwashing),andfishedoutanotherbottle.philip,whowasyounganddidnotknowthegoodthingsoflife,refusedtoshareitwithhim,sohedrankalone.

“howlongareyougoingtostayhere?”askedwharton.

bothheandphiliphadgivenupwithreliefthepretenceofmathematics.

“oh,idon’tknow.isupposeaboutayear.thenmypeoplewantmetogotooxford.”

whartongaveacontemptuousshrugoftheshoulders.itwasanewexperienceforphiliptolearnthattherewerepersonswhodidnotlookuponthatseatoflearningwithawe.

“whatd’youwanttogotherefor?you’llonlybeaglorifiedschoolboy.whydon’tyoumatriculatehere?ayear’snogood.spendfiveyearshere.youknow,therearetwogoodthingsinlife,freedomofthoughtandfreedomofaction.infranceyougetfreedomofaction:youcandowhatyoulikeandnobodybothers,butyoumustthinklikeeverybodyelse.ingermanyyoumustdowhateverybodyelsedoes,butyoumaythinkasyouchoose.they’rebothverygoodthings.ipersonallypreferfreedomofthought.butinenglandyougetneither:you’regrounddownbyconvention.youcan’tthinkasyoulikeandyoucan’tactasyoulike.that’sbecauseit’sademocraticnation.iexpectamerica’sworse.”

heleanedbackcautiously,forthechaironwhichhesathadarickettyleg,anditwasdisconcertingwhenarhetoricalflourishwasinterruptedbyasuddenfalltothefloor.

“ioughttogobacktoenglandthisyear,butificanscrapetogetherenoughtokeepbodyandsoulonspeakingtermsishallstayanothertwelvemonths.butthenishallhavetogo.andimustleaveallthis”—hewavedhisarmroundthedirtygarret,withitsunmadebed,theclotheslyingonthefloor,arowofemptybeerbottlesagainstthewall,pilesofunbound,edbooksineverycorner—”forsomeprovincialuniversitywhereishalltryandgetachairofphilology.andishallplaytennisandgototea-parties.”heinterruptedhimselfandgavephilip,veryneatlydressed,withacleancollaronandhishairwell-brushed,aquizzicallook.“and,mygod!ishallhavetowash.”

philipreddened,feelinghisownsprucenessanintolerablereproach;foroflatehehadbeguntopaysomeattentiontohistoilet,andhehadcomeoutfromenglandwithaprettyselectionofties.

thesummercameuponthecountrylikeaconqueror.eachdaywasbeautiful.theskyhadanarrogantbluewhichgoadedthenerveslikeaspur.thegreenofthetreesintheanlagewasviolentandcrude;andthehouses,whenthesuncaughtthem,hadadazzlingwhitewhichstimulatedtillithurt.sometimesonhiswaybackfromwhartonphilipwouldsitintheshadeononeofthebenchesintheanlage,enjoyingthecoolnessandwatchingthepatternsoflightwhichthesun,shiningthroughtheleaves,madeontheground.hissouldancedwithdelightasgailyasthesunbeams.herevelledinthosemomentsofidlenessstolenfromhiswork.sometimeshesaunteredthroughthestreetsoftheoldtown.helookedwithaweatthestudentsofthecorps,theircheeksgashedandred,whoeredaboutintheircolouredcaps.intheafternoonshewanderedaboutthehillswiththegirlsinthefrauprofessor’shouse,andsometimestheywentuptheriverandhadteainaleafybeer-garden.intheeveningstheywalkedroundandroundthestadtgarten,listeningtotheband.

philipsoonlearnedthevariousinterestsofthehousehold.frauleinthekla,theprofessor’selderdaughter,wasengagedtoamaninenglandwhohadspenttwelvemonthsinthehousetolearngerman,andtheirmarriagewastotakeplaceattheendoftheyear.buttheyoungmanwrotethathisfather,anindia-rubbermerchantwholivedinslough,didnotapproveoftheunion,andfrauleintheklawasoftenintears.sometimessheandhermothermightbeseen,withsterneyesanddeterminedmouths,lookingoverthelettersofthereluctantlover.theklapaintedinwatercolour,andoccasionallysheandphilip,withanotherofthegirlstokeepthemcompany,wouldgooutandpaintlittlepictures.theprettyfrauleinhedwighadamoroustroublestoo.shewasthedaughterofamerchantinberlinandadashinghussarhadfalleninlovewithher,avonifyouplease:buthisparentsopposedamarriagewithapersonofhercondition,andshehadbeensenttoheidelbergtoforgethim.shecouldnever,neverdothis,andcorrespondedwithhimcontinually,andhewasmakingeveryefforttoinduceanexasperatingfathertochangehismind.shetoldallthistophilipwithprettysighsandbecomingblushes,andshowedhimthephotographofthegaylieutenant.philiplikedherbestofallthegirlsatthefrauprofessor’s,andontheirwalksalwaystriedtogetbyherside.heblushedagreatdealwhentheotherschaffedhimforhisobviouspreference.hemadethefirstdeclarationinhislifetofrauleinhedwig,butunfortunatelyitwasanaccident,andithappenedinthismanner.intheeveningswhentheydidnotgoout,theyoungwomensanglittlesongsinthegreenvelvetdrawing-room,whilefrauleinanna,whoalwaysmadeherselfuseful,industriouslyaccompanied.frauleinhedwig’sfavouritesongwascalledichliebedich,iloveyou;andoneeveningaftershehadsungthis,whenphilipwasstandingwithheronthebalcony,lookingatthestars,itoccurredtohimtomakesomeremarkaboutit.hebegan:

“ichliebedich.”

hisgermanwashalting,andhelookedaboutforthewordhewanted.thepausewasinfinitesimal,butbeforehecouldgoonfrauleinhedwigsaid:

“ach,herrcarey,siemussenmirnichtdusagen—youmustn’ttalktomeinthesecondpersonsingular.”

philipfelthimselfgrowhotallover,forhewouldneverhavedaredtodoanythingsofamiliar,andhecouldthinkofnothingonearthtosay.itwouldbeungallanttoexplainthathewasnotmakinganobservation,butmerelymentioningthetitleofasong.

“entschuldigensie,”hesaid.“ibegyourpardon.”

“itdoesnotmatter,”shewhispered.

shesmiledpleasantly,quietlytookhishandandpressedit,thenturnedbackintothedrawing-room.

nextdayhewassoembarrassedthathecouldnotspeaktoher,andinhisshynessdidallthatwaspossibletoavoidher.whenhewasaskedtogofortheusualwalkherefusedbecause,hesaid,hehadworktodo.butfrauleinhedwigseizedanopportunitytospeaktohimalone.

“whyareyoubehavinginthisway?”shesaidkindly.“youknow,i’mnotangrywithyouforwhatyousaidlastnight.youcan’thelpitifyouloveme.i’mflattered.butalthoughi’mnotexactlyengagedtohermannicanneverloveanyoneelse,andilookuponmyselfashisbride.”

philipblushedagain,butheputonquitetheexpressionofarejectedlover.

“ihopeyou’llbeveryhappy,”hesaid.