Chapter77

afterlunchinginthebasementofthemedicalschoolphilipwentbacktohisrooms.itwassaturdayafternoon,andthelandladywascleaningthestairs.

“ismr.griffithsin?”heasked.

“no,sir.hewentawaythismorning,soonafteryouwentout.”  “isn’thecomingback?”

“idon’tthinkso,sir.he’stakenhisage.”

philipwonderedwhatthiscouldmean.hetookabookandbegantoread.itwasburton’sjourneytoah,whichhehadjustgotoutofthewestminsterpubliclibrary;andhereadthefirstpage,butcouldmakenosenseofit,forhismindwaselsewhere;hewaslisteningallthetimeforaringatthebell.hedarednothopethatgriffithshadgoneawayalready,withoutmildred,tohishomeincumberland.mildredwouldbecomingpresentlyforthemoney.hesethisteethandreadon;hetrieddesperatelytoconcentratehisattention;thesentencesetchedthemselvesinhisbrainbytheforceofhiseffort,buttheyweredistortedbytheagonyhewasenduring.hewishedwithallhisheartthathehadnotmadethehorriblepropositiontogivethemmoney;butnowthathehadmadeithelackedthestrengthtogobackonit,notonmildred’saccount,butonhisown.therewasamorbidobstinacyinhimwhichforcedhimtodothethinghehaddetermined.hediscoveredthatthethreepageshehadreadhadmadenoimpressiononhimatall;andhewentbackandstartedfromthebeginning:hefoundhimselfreadingonesentenceoverandoveragain;andnowitweaveditselfinwithhisthoughts,horribly,likesomeformulainanightmare.onethinghecoulddowastogooutandkeepawaytillmidnight;theycouldnotgothen;andhesawthemcallingatthehouseeveryhourtoaskifhewasin.heenjoyedthethoughtoftheirdisappointment.herepeatedthatsentencetohimselfmechanically.buthecouldnotdothat.letthemcomeandtakethemoney,andhewouldknowthentowhatdepthsofinfamyitwaspossibleformentodescend.hecouldnotreadanymorenow.hesimplycouldnotseethewords.heleanedbackinhischair,closinghiseyes,and,numbwithmisery,waitedformildred.

thelandladycamein.

“willyouseemrs.miller,sir?”

“showherin.”

philippulledhimselftogethertoreceiveherwithoutanysignofwhathewasfeeling.hehadanimpulsetothrowhimselfonhiskneesandseizeherhandsandbeghernottogo;butheknewtherewasnowayofmovingher;shewouldtellgriffithswhathehadsaidandhowheacted.hewasashamed.

“well,howaboutthelittlejaunt?”hesaidgaily.

“we’regoing.harry’soutside.itoldhimyoudidn’twanttoseehim,sohe’skeptoutofyourway.buthewantstoknowifhecancomeinjustforaminutetosaygood-byetoyou.”

“no,iwon’tseehim,”saidphilip.

hecouldseeshedidnotcareifhesawgriffithsornot.nowthatshewastherehewantedhertogoquickly.

“lookhere,here’sthefiver.i’dlikeyoutogonow.”

shetookitandthankedhim.sheturnedtoleavetheroom.

“whenareyoucomingback?”heasked.

“oh,onmonday.harrymustgohomethen.”

heknewwhathewasgoingtosaywashumiliating,buthewasbrokendownwithjealousyanddesire.

“thenishallseeyou,shan’ti?”

hecouldnothelpthenoteofappealinhisvoice.

“ofcourse.i’llletyouknowthemomenti’mback.”

heshookhandswithher.throughthecurtainshewatchedherjumpintoafour-wheelerthatstoodatthedoor.itrolledaway.thenhethrewhimselfonhisbedandhidhisfaceinhishands.hefelttearscomingtohiseyes,andhewasangrywithhimself;heclenchedhishandsandscreweduphisbodytopreventthem;buthecouldnot;andgreatpainfulsobswereforcedfromhim.

hegotupatlast,exhaustedandashamed,andwashedhisface.hemixedhimselfastrongwhiskeyandsoda.itmadehimfeelalittlebetter.thenhecaughtsightoftheticketstoparis,whichwereonthechimney-piece,and,seizingthem,withanimpulseofrageheflungtheminthefire.heknewhecouldhavegotthemoneybackonthem,butitrelievedhimtodestroythem.thenhewentoutinsearchofsomeonetobewith.theclubwasempty.hefelthewouldgomadunlesshefoundsomeonetotalkto;butlawsonwasabroad;hewentontohayward’srooms:themaidwhoopenedthedoortoldhimthathehadgonedowntobrightonfortheweek-end.thenphilipwenttoagalleryandfounditwasjustclosing.hedidnotknowwhattodo.hewasdistracted.andhethoughtofgriffithsandmildredgoingtooxford,sittingoppositeoneanotherinthetrain,happy.hewentbacktohisrooms,buttheyfilledhimwithhorror,hehadbeensowretchedinthem;hetriedoncemoretoreadburton’sbook,but,asheread,hetoldhimselfagainandagainwhatafoolhehadbeen;itwashewhohadmadetheestionthattheyshouldgoaway,hehadofferedthemoney,hehadforcedituponthem;hemighthaveknownwhatwouldhappenwhenheintroducedgriffithstomildred;hisownvehementpassionwasenoughtoarousetheother’sdesire.bythistimetheyhadreachedoxford.theywouldputupinoneofthelodging-housesinjohnstreet;philiphadneverbeentooxford,butgriffithshadtalkedtohimaboutitsomuchthatheknewexactlywheretheywouldgo;andtheywoulddineattheclarendon:griffithshadbeeninthehabitofdiningtherewhenhewentonthespree.philipgothimselfsomethingtoeatinarestaurantnearcharingcross;hehadmadeuphismindtogotoaplay,andafterwardshefoughthiswayintothepitofatheatreatwhichoneofoscarwilde’spieceswasbeingperformed.hewonderedifmildredandgriffithswouldgotoaplaythatevening:theymustkilltheeveningsomehow;theyweretoostupid,bothofthemtocontentthemselveswithconversation:hegotafiercedelightinremindinghimselfofthevulgarityoftheirmindswhichsuitedthemsoexactlytooneanother.hewatchedtheplaywithanabstractedmind,tryingtogivehimselfgaietybydrinkingwhiskeyineachinterval;hewasunusedtoalcohol,anditaffectedhimquickly,buthisdrunkennesswassavageandmorose.whentheplaywasoverhehadanotherdrink.hecouldnotgotobed,heknewhewouldnotsleep,andhedreadedthepictureswhichhisvividimaginationwouldplacebeforehim.hetriednottothinkofthem.heknewhehaddrunktoomuch.nowhewasseizedwithadesiretodohorrible,sordidthings;hewantedtorollhimselfingutters;hiswholebeingyearnedforbeastliness;hewantedtogrovel.

hewalkedupadilly,inghisclub-foot,sombrelydrunk,withrageandmiseryclawingathisheart.hewasstoppedbyapaintedharlot,whoputherhandonhisarm;hepushedherviolentlyawaywithbrutalwords.hewalkedonafewstepsandthenstopped.shewoulddoaswellasanother.hewassorryhehadspokensoroughlytoher.hewentuptoher.

“isay,”hebegan.

“gotohell,”shesaid.

philiplaughed.

“imerelywantedtoaskifyou’ddomethehonourofsuppingwithmetonight.”

shelookedathimwithamazement,andhesitatedforawhile.shesawhewasdrunk.

“idon’tmind.”

hewasamusedthatsheshoulduseaphrasehehadheardsooftenonmildred’slips.hetookhertooneoftherestaurantshehadbeeninthehabitofgoingtowithmildred.henoticedastheywalkedalongthatshelookeddownathislimb.

“i’vegotaclub-foot,”hesaid.“haveyouanyobjection?”

“youareacure,”shelaughed.

whenhegothomehisboneswereaching,andinhisheadtherewasahammeringthatmadehimnearlyscream.hetookanotherwhiskeyandsodatosteadyhimself,andgoingtobedsankintoadreamlesssleeptillmid-day.