Chapter70

philipexpectedtofindaletterfromnorahwhenhegotbacktohisrooms,buttherewasnothing;nordidhereceiveonethefollowingmorning.thesilenceirritatedandatthesametimealarmedhim.theyhadseenoneanothereverydayhehadbeeninlondonsincethepreviousjune;anditmustseemoddtoherthatheshouldlettwodaysgobywithoutvisitingherorofferingareasonforhisabsence;hewonderedwhetherbyanunluckychanceshehadseenhimwithmildred.hecouldnotbeartothinkthatshewashurtorunhappy,andhemadeuphismindtocallonherthatafternoon.hewasalmostinclinedtoreproachherbecausehehadallowedhimselftogetonsuchintimatetermswithher.thethoughtofcontinuingthemfilledhimwithdisgust.

hefoundtworoomsformildredonthesecondfloorofahouseinthevauxhallbridgeroad.theywerenoisy,butheknewthatshelikedtherattleoftrafficunderherwindows.

“idon’tlikeadeadandalivestreetwhereyoudon’tseeasoulpassallday,”shesaid.“givemeabitoflife.”  thenheforcedhimselftogotovincentsquare.hewassickwithapprehensionwhenherangthebell.hehadanuneasysensethathewastreatingnorahbadly;hedreadedreproaches;heknewshehadaquicktemper,andhehatedscenes:perhapsthebestwaywouldbetotellherfranklythatmildredhadcomebacktohimandhisloveforherwasasviolentasithadeverbeen;hewasverysorry,buthehadnothingtooffernorahanymore.thenhethoughtofheranguish,forheknewshelovedhim;ithadflatteredhimbefore,andhewasimmenselygrateful;butnowitwashorrible.shehadnotdeservedthatheshouldinflictpainuponher.heaskedhimselfhowshewouldgreethimnow,andashewalkedupthestairsallpossibleformsofherbehaviourflashedacrosshismind.heknockedatthedoor.hefeltthathewaspale,andwonderedhowtoconcealhisnervousness.

shewaswritingawayindustriously,butshesprangtoherfeetasheentered.

“irecognisedyourstep,”shecried.“wherehaveyoubeenhidingyourself,younaughtyboy?”

shecametowardshimjoyfullyandputherarmsroundhisneck.shewasdelightedtoseehim.hekissedher,andthen,togivehimselfcountenance,saidhewasdyingfortea.shebustledthefiretomakethekettleboil.

“i’vebeenawfullybusy,”hesaidlamely.

shebegantochatterinherbrightway,tellinghimofanewcommissionshehadtoprovideanoveletteforafirmwhichhadnothithertoemployedher.shewastogetfifteenguineasforit.

“it’smoneyfromtheclouds.i’lltellyouwhatwe’lldo,we’llstandourselvesalittlejaunt.let’sgoandspendadayatoxford,shallwe?i’dlovetoseethecolleges.”

helookedathertoseewhethertherewasanyshadowofreproachinhereyes;buttheywereasfrankandmerryasever:shewasoverjoyedtoseehim.hisheartsank.hecouldnottellherthebrutaltruth.shemadesometoastforhim,andcutitintolittlepieces,andgaveithimasthoughhewereachild.

“isthebrutefed?”sheasked.

henodded,smiling;andshelitacigaretteforhim.then,asshelovedtodo,shecameandsatonhisknees.shewasverylight.sheleanedbackinhisarmswithasighofdelicioushappiness.

“saysomethingnicetome,”shemurmured.

“whatshallisay?”

“youmightbyaneffortofimaginationsaythatyouratherlikedme.”

“youknowidothat.”

hehadnotthehearttotellherthen.hewouldgiveherpeaceatalleventsforthatday,andperhapshemightwritetoher.thatwouldbeeasier.hecouldnotbeartothinkofhercrying.shemadehimkissher,andashekissedherhethoughtofmildredandmildred’spale,thinlips.therecollectionofmildredremainedwithhimallthetime,likeanincorporatedform,butmoresubstantialthanashadow;andthesightcontinuallydistractedhisattention.

“you’reveryquiettoday,”norahsaid.

herloquacitywasastandingjokebetweenthem,andheanswered:

“youneverletmegetawordin,andi’vegotoutofthehabitoftalking.”

“butyou’renotlistening,andthat’sbadmanners.”

hereddenedalittle,wonderingwhethershehadsomeinklingofhissecret;heturnedawayhiseyesuneasily.theweightofherirkedhimthisafternoon,andhedidnotwanthertotouchhim.

“myfoot’sgonetosleep,”hesaid.

“i’msosorry,”shecried,jumpingup.“ishallhavetobantifican’tbreakmyselfofthishabitofsittingongentlemen’sknees.”

hewentthroughanelaborateformofstampinghisfootandwalkingabout.thenhestoodinfrontofthefiresothatsheshouldnotresumeherposition.whileshetalkedhethoughtthatshewasworthtenofmildred;sheamusedhimmuchmoreandwasjolliertotalkto;shewascleverer,andshehadamuchnicernature.shewasagood,brave,honestlittlewoman;andmildred,hethoughtbitterly,deservednoneoftheseepithets.ifhehadanysensehewouldsticktonorah,shewouldmakehimmuchhappierthanhewouldeverbewithmildred:afterallshelovedhim,andmildredwasonlygratefulforhishelp.butwhenallwassaidtheimportantthingwastoloveratherthantobeloved;andheyearnedformildredwithhiswholesoul.hewouldsoonerhavetenminuteswithherthanawholeafternoonwithnorah,heprizedonekissofhercoldlipsmorethanallnorahcouldgivehim.

“ican’thelpmyself,”hethought.“i’vejustgotherinmybones.”

hedidnotcareifshewasheartless,viciousandvulgar,stupidandgrasping,helovedher.hewouldratherhavemiserywiththeonethanhappinesswiththeother.

whenhegotuptogonorahsaidcasually:

“well,ishallseeyoutomorrow,shan’ti?”

“yes,”heanswered.

heknewthathewouldnotbeabletocome,sincehewasgoingtohelpmildredwithhermoving,buthehadnotthecouragetosayso.hemadeuphismindthathewouldsendawire.mildredsawtheroomsinthemorning,wassatisfiedwiththem,andafterluncheonphilipwentupwithhertohighbury.shehadatrunkforherclothesandanotherforthevariousoddsandends,cushions,lampshades,photographframes,withwhichshehadtriedtogivetheapartmentsahome-likeair;shehadtwoorthreelargecardboardboxesbesides,butinalltherewasnomorethancouldbeputontheroofofafour-wheeler.astheydrovethroughvictoriastreetphilipsatwellbackinthecabincasenorahshouldhappentobepassing.hehadnothadanopportunitytotelegraphandcouldnotdosofromthepostofficeinthevauxhallbridgeroad,sinceshewouldwonderwhathewasdoinginthatneighbourhood;andifhewastherehecouldhavenoexcusefornotgoingintotheneighbouringsquarewhereshelived.hemadeuphismindthathehadbettergoinandseeherforhalfanhour;butthenecessityirritatedhim:hewasangrywithnorah,becausesheforcedhimtovulgaranddegradingshifts.buthewashappytobewithmildred.itamusedhimtohelpherwiththeunpacking;andheexperiencedacharmingsenseofpossessionininstallingherintheselodgingswhichhehadfoundandwaspayingfor.hewouldnotletherexertherself.itwasapleasuretodothingsforher,andshehadnodesiretodowhatsomebodyelseseemeddesiroustodoforher.heunpackedherclothesandputthemaway.shewasnotproposingtogooutagain,sohegotherslippersandtookoffherboots.itdelightedhimtoperformmenialoffices.

“youdospoilme,”shesaid,runningherfingersaffectionatelythroughhishair,whilehewasonhiskneesunbuttoningherboots.

hetookherhandsandkissedthem.

“itisnippingtohaveyouhere.”

hearrangedthecushionsandthephotographframes.shehadseveraljarsofgreenearthenware.

“i’llgetyousomeflowersforthem,”hesaid.

helookedroundathisworkproudly.

“asi’mnotgoingoutanymoreithinki’llgetintoatea-gown,”shesaid.“undomebehind,willyou?”

sheturnedroundasunconcernedlyasthoughhewereawoman.hissexmeantnothingtoher.buthisheartwasfilledwithgratitudefortheintimacyherrequestshowed.heundidthehooksandeyeswithclumsyfingers.

“thatfirstdayicameintotheshopineverthoughti’dbedoingthisforyounow,”hesaid,withalaughwhichheforced.

“somebodymustdoit,”sheanswered.

shewentintothebed-roomandslippedintoapalebluetea-gowndecoratedwithagreatdealofcheaplace.thenphilipsettledheronasofaandmadeteaforher.

“i’mafraidican’tstayandhaveitwithyou,”hesaidregretfully.“i’vegotabeastlyappointment.butishallbebackinhalfanhour.”

hewonderedwhatheshouldsayifsheaskedhimwhattheappointmentwas,butsheshowednocuriosity.hehadordereddinnerforthetwoofthemwhenhetooktherooms,andproposedtospendtheeveningwithherquietly.hewasinsuchahurrytogetbackthathetookatramalongthevauxhallbridgeroad.hethoughthehadbetterbreakthefacttonorahatoncethathecouldnotstaymorethanafewminutes.

“isay,i’vegotonlyjusttimetosayhowd’youdo,”hesaid,assoonashegotintoherrooms.“i’mfrightfullybusy.”

herfacefell.

“why,what’sthematter?”

itexasperatedhimthatsheshouldforcehimtotelllies,andheknewthathereddenedwhenheansweredthattherewasademonstrationatthehospitalwhichhewasboundtogoto.hefanciedthatshelookedasthoughshedidnotbelievehim,andthisirritatedhimallthemore.

“oh,well,itdoesn’tmatter,”shesaid.“ishallhaveyoualltomorrow.”

helookedatherblankly.itwassunday,andhehadbeenlookingforwardtospendingthedaywithmildred.hetoldhimselfthathemustdothatincommondecency;hecouldnotleaveherbyherselfinastrangehouse.