Chapter63

philipdidnotpasstheexaminationinanatomyattheendofmarch.heanddunsfordhadworkedatthesubjecttogetheronphilip’sskeleton,askingeachotherquestionstillbothknewbyhearteveryattachmentandthemeaningofeverynoduleandgrooveonthehumanbones;butintheexaminationroomphilipwasseizedwithpanic,andfailedtogiverightanswerstoquestionsfromasuddenfearthattheymightbewrong.heknewhewasploughedanddidnoteventroubletogouptothebuildingnextdaytoseewhetherhisnumberwasup.thesecondfailureputhimdefinitelyamongtheincompetentandidlemenofhisyear.

hedidnotcaremuch.hehadotherthingstothinkof.hetoldhimselfthatmildredmusthavesenseslikeanybodyelse,itwasonlyaquestionofawakeningthem;hehadtheoriesaboutwoman,theripatheart,andthoughtthattheremustcomeatimewitheveryonewhenshewouldyieldtopersistence.itwasaquestionofwatchingfortheopportunity,keepinghistemper,wearingherdownwithsmallattentions,takingadvantageofthephysicalexhaustionwhichopenedthehearttotenderness,makinghimselfarefugefromthepettyvexationsofherwork.hetalkedtoheroftherelationsbetweenhisfriendsinparisandthefairladiestheyadmired.thelifehedescribedhadacharm,aneasygaiety,inwhichwasnogrossness.weavingintohisownrecollectionstheadventuresofmimiandrodolphe,ofmusetteandtherestofthem,hepouredintomildred’searsastoryofpovertymadepicturesquebysongandlaughter,oflawlesslovemaderomanticbybeautyandyouth.heneverattackedherprejudicesdirectly,butsoughttocombatthembytheestionthattheyweresuburban.heneverlethimselfbedisturbedbyherinattention,norirritatedbyherindifference.hethoughthehadboredher.byanefforthemadehimselfaffableandentertaining;heneverlethimselfbeangry,heneveraskedforanything,henevercomplained,heneverscolded.whenshemadeengagementsandbrokethem,hemethernextdaywithasmilingface;whensheexcusedherself,hesaiditdidnotmatter.heneverletherseethatshepainedhim.heunderstoodthathispassionategriefhadweariedher,andhetookcaretohideeverysentimentwhichcouldbeintheleastdegreetroublesome.hewasheroic.

thoughshenevermentionedthechange,forshedidnottakeanyconsciousnoticeofit,itaffectedhernevertheless:shebecamemoreconfidentialwithhim;shetookherlittlegrievancestohim,andshealwayshadsomegrievanceagainstthemanageressoftheshop,oneofherfellowwaitresses,orheraunt;shewastalkativeenoughnow,andthoughsheneversaidanythingthatwasnottrivialphilipwasnevertiredoflisteningtoher.

“ilikeyouwhenyoudon’twanttomakelovetome,”shetoldhimonce.

“that’sflatteringforme,”helaughed.

shedidnotrealisehowherwordsmadehisheartsinknorwhataneffortitneededforhimtoanswersolightly.

“oh,idon’tmindyourkissingmenowandthen.itdoesn’thurtmeanditgivesyoupleasure.”  occasionallyshewentsofarastoaskhimtotakeherouttodinner,andtheoffer,comingfromher,filledhimwithrapture.

“iwouldn’tdoittoanyoneelse,”shesaid,bywayofapology.“butiknowicanwithyou.”

“youcouldn’tgivemegreaterpleasure,”hesmiled.

sheaskedhimtogivehersomethingtoeatoneeveningtowardstheendofapril.

“allright,”hesaid.“wherewouldyouliketogoafterwards?”

“oh,don’tlet’sgoanywhere.let’sjustsitandtalk.youdon’tmind,doyou?”

“rathernot.”

hethoughtshemustbebeginningtocareforhim.threemonthsbeforethethoughtofaneveningspentinconversationwouldhaveboredhertodeath.itwasafineday,andthespringaddedtophilip’shighspirits.hewascontentwithverylittlenow.

“isay,won’titberippingwhenthesummercomesalong,”hesaid,astheydrovealongonthetopofa‘bustosoho—shehadherselfestedthattheyshouldnotbesoextravagantastogobycab.“weshallbeabletospendeverysundayontheriver.we’lltakeourluncheoninabasket.”

shesmiledslightly,andhewasencouragedtotakeherhand.shedidnotwithdrawit.

“ireallythinkyou’rebeginningtolikemeabit,”hesmiled.

“youaresilly,youknowilikeyou,orelseishouldn’tbehere,shouldi?”

theywereoldcustomersatthelittlerestaurantinsohobynow,andthepatronnegavethemasmileastheycamein.thewaiterwasobsequious.

“letmeorderthedinnertonight,”saidmildred.

philip,thinkinghermoreenchantingthanever,gaveherthemenu,andshechoseherfavouritedishes.therangewassmall,andtheyhadeatenmanytimesallthattherestaurantcouldprovide.philipwasgay.helookedintohereyes,andhedweltoneveryperfectionofherpalecheek.whentheyhadfinishedmildredbywayofexceptiontookacigarette.shesmokedveryseldom.

“idon’tliketoseealadysmoking,”shesaid.

shehesitatedamomentandthenspoke.

“wereyousurprised,myaskingyoutotakemeoutandgivemeabitofdinnertonight?”

“iwasdelighted.”

“i’vegotsomethingtosaytoyou,philip.”

helookedatherquickly,hisheartsank,buthehadtrainedhimselfwell.

“well,fireaway,”hesaid,smiling.

“you’renotgoingtobesillyaboutit,areyou?thefactisi’mgoingtogetmarried.”

“areyou?”saidphilip.

hecouldthinkofnothingelsetosay.hehadconsideredthepossibilityoftenandhadimaginedto

himselfwhathewoulddoandsay.hehadsufferedagonieswhenhethoughtofthedespairhewouldsuffer,hehadthoughtofsuicide,ofthemadpassionofangerthatwouldseizehim;butperhapshehadtoocompletelyanticipatedtheemotionhewouldexperience,sothatnowhefeltmerelyexhausted.hefeltasonedoesinaseriousillnesswhenthevitalityissolowthatoneisindifferenttotheissueandwantsonlytobeleftalone.

“yousee,i’mgettingon,”shesaid.“i’mtwenty-fourandit’stimeisettleddown.”

hewassilent.helookedatthepatronnesittingbehindthecounter,andhiseyedweltonaredfeatheroneofthedinersworeinherhat.mildredwasnettled.

“youmightcongratulateme,”shesaid.

“imight,mightn’ti?icanhardlybelieveit’strue.i’vedreamtitsooften.itratherticklesmethatishouldhavebeensojollygladthatyouaskedmetotakeyououttodinner.whomareyougoingtomarry?”

“miller,”sheanswered,withaslightblush.

“miller?”criedphilip,astounded.“butyou’venotseenhimformonths.”

“hecameintolunchonedaylastweekandaskedmethen.he’searningverygoodmoney.hemakessevenpoundsaweeknowandhe’sgotprospects.”

philipwassilentagain.herememberedthatshehadalwayslikedmiller;heamusedher;therewasinhisforeignbirthanexoticcharmwhichshefeltunconsciously.

“isupposeitwasinevitable,”hesaidatlast.“youwereboundtoacceptthehighestbidder.whenareyougoingtomarry?”

“onsaturdaynext.ihavegivennotice.”

philipfeltasuddenpang.

“assoonasthat?”

“we’regoingtobemarriedataregistryoffice.emilprefersit.”

philipfeltdreadfullytired.hewantedtogetawayfromher.hethoughthewouldgostraighttobed.hecalledforthebill.

“i’llputyouinacabandsendyoudowntovictoria.idaresayyouwon’thavetowaitlongforatrain.”

“won’tyoucomewithme?”

“ithinki’drathernotifyoudon’tmind.”

“it’sjustasyouplease,”sheansweredhaughtily.“isupposeishallseeyouattea-timetomorrow?”