Chapter56

hecouldnotgetheroutofhismind.helaughedangrilyathisownfoolishness:itwasabsurdtocarewhatananaemiclittlewaitresssaidtohim;buthewasstrangelyhumiliated.thoughnooneknewofthehumiliationbutdunsford,andhehadcertainlyforgotten,philipfeltthathecouldhavenopeacetillhehadwipeditout.hethoughtoverwhathehadbetterdo.hemadeuphismindthathewouldgototheshopeveryday;itwasobviousthathehadmadeadisagreeableimpressiononher,buthethoughthehadthewitstoeradicateit;hewouldtakecarenottosayanythingatwhichthemostsusceptiblepersoncouldbeoffended.allthishedid,butithadnoeffect.whenhewentinandsaidgood-eveningsheansweredwiththesamewords,butwhenonceheomittedtosayitinordertoseewhethershewouldsayitfirst,shesaidnothingatall.hemurmuredinhisheartanexpressionwhichthoughfrequentlyapplicabletomembersofthefemalesexisnotoftenusedoftheminpolitesociety;butwithanunmovedfaceheorderedhistea.hemadeuphismindnottospeakaword,andlefttheshopwithouthisusualgood-night.hepromisedhimselfthathewouldnotgoanymore,butthenextdayattea-timehegrewrestless.hetriedtothinkofotherthings,buthehadnocommandoverhisthoughts.atlasthesaiddesperately:

“afterallthere’snoreasonwhyishouldn’tgoifiwantto.”  thelewithhimselfhadtakenalongtime,anditwasgettingonforsevenwhenheenteredtheshop.

“ithoughtyouweren’tcoming,”thegirlsaidtohim,whenhesatdown.

hisheartleapedinhisbosomandhefelthimselfreddening.“iwasdetained.icouldn’tcomebefore.”

“cuttinguppeople,isuppose?”

“notsobadasthat.”

“youareastoodent,aren’tyou?”

“yes.”

butthatseemedtosatisfyhercuriosity.shewentawayand,sinceatthatlatehourtherewasnobodyelseathertables,sheimmersedherselfinanovelette.thiswasbeforethetimeofthesixpennyreprints.therewasaregularsupplyofinexpensivefictionwrittentoorderbypoorhacksfortheconsumptionoftheilliterate.philipwaselated;shehadaddressedhimofherownaccord;hesawthetimeapproachingwhenhisturnwouldcomeandhewouldtellherexactlywhathethoughtofher.itwouldbeagreatcomforttoexpresstheimmensityofhiscontempt.helookedather.itwastruethatherprofilewasbeautiful;itwasextraordinaryhowenglishgirlsofthatclasshadsooftenaperfectionofoutlinewhichtookyourbreathaway,butitwasascoldasmarble;andthefaintgreenofherdelicateskingaveanimpressionofunhealthiness.allthewaitressesweredressedalike,inplainblackdresses,withawhiteapron,cuffs,andasmallcap.onahalfsheetofpaperthathehadinhispocketphilipmadeasketchofherasshesatleaningoverherbook(sheoutlinedthewordswithherlipsassheread),andleftitonthetablewhenhewentaway.itwasaninspiration,fornextday,whenhecamein,shesmiledathim.

“ididn’tknowyoucoulddraw,”shesaid.

“iwasanart-studentinparisfortwoyears.”

“ishowedthatdrawingyouleftbe’indyoulastnight

tothemanageressandshewasstruckwithit.wasitmeanttobeme?”

“itwas,”saidphilip.

whenshewentforhistea,oneoftheothergirlscameuptohim.

“isawthatpictureyoudoneofmissrogers.itwastheveryimageofher,”shesaid.

thatwasthefirsttimehehadheardhername,andwhenhewantedhisbillhecalledherbyit.

“iseeyouknowmyname,”shesaid,whenshecame.

“yourfriendmentioneditwhenshesaidsomethingtomeaboutthatdrawing.”

“shewantsyoutodooneofher.don’tyoudoit.ifyouoncebeginyou’llhavetogoon,andthey’llallbewantingyoutodothem.”thenwithoutapause,withpeculiarinconsequence,shesaid:“where’sthatyoungfellowthatusedtocomewithyou?hashegoneaway?”

“fancyyourrememberinghim,”saidphilip.

“hewasanice-lookingyoungfellow.”

philipfeltquiteapeculiarsensationinhisheart.hedidnotknowwhatitwas.dunsfordhadjollycurlinghair,afreshcomplexion,andabeautifulsmile.philipthoughtoftheseadvantageswithenvy.

“oh,he’sinlove,”saidhe,withalittlelaugh.

philiprepeatedeverywordoftheconversationtohimselfashelimpedhome.shewasquitefriendlywithhimnow.whenopportunityarosehewouldoffertomakeamorefinishedsketchofher,hewassureshewouldlikethat;herfacewasinteresting,theprofilewaslovely,andtherewassomethingcuriouslyfascinatingaboutthechloroticcolour.hetriedtothinkwhatitwaslike;atfirsthethoughtofpeasoup;but,drivingawaythatideaangrily,hethoughtofthepetalsofayellowrosebudwhenyoutoreittopiecesbeforeithadburst.hehadnoill-feelingtowardshernow.

“she’snotabadsort,”hemurmured.

itwassillyofhimtotakeoffenceatwhatshehadsaid;itwasdoubtlesshisownfault;shehadnotmeanttomakeherselfdisagreeable:heoughttobeaccustomedbynowtomakingatfirstsightabadimpressiononpeople.hewasflatteredattheessofhisdrawing;shelookeduponhimwithmoreinterestnowthatshewasawareofthissmalltalent.hewasrestlessnextday.hethoughtofgoingtolunchatthetea-shop,buthewascertaintherewouldbemanypeopletherethen,andmildredwouldnotbeabletotalktohim.hehadmanagedbeforethistogetoutofhavingteawithdunsford,and,punctuallyathalfpastfour(hehadlookedathiswatchadozentimes),hewentintotheshop.

mildredhadherbackturnedtohim.shewassittingdown,talkingtothegermanwhomphiliphadseenthereeverydaytillafortnightagoandsincethenhadnotseenatall.shewaslaughingatwhathesaid.philipthoughtshehadacommonlaugh,anditmadehimshudder.hecalledher,butshetooknonotice;hecalledheragain;then,growingangry,forhewasimpatient,herappedthetableloudlywithhisstick.sheapproachedsulkily.

“howd’youdo?”hesaid.

“youseemtobeinagreathurry.”

shelookeddownathimwiththeinsolentmannerwhichheknewsowell.

“isay,what’sthematterwithyou?”heasked.

“ifyou’llkindlygiveyourorderi’llgetwhatyouwant.ican’tstandtalkingallnight.”

“teaandtoastedbun,please,”philipansweredbriefly.

hewasfuriouswithher.hehadthestarwithhimandreaditelaboratelywhenshebroughtthetea.

“ifyou’llgivememybillnowineedn’ttroubleyouagain,”hesaidicily.

shewroteouttheslip,placeditonthetable,andwentbacktothegerman.soonshewastalkingtohimwithanimation.hewasamanofmiddleheight,withtheroundheadofhisnationandasallowface;hismoustachewaslargeandbristling;hehadonatail-coatandgraytrousers,andheworeamassivegoldwatch-chain.philipthoughttheothergirlslookedfromhimtothepairatthetableandexchangedsignificantglances.hefeltcertaintheywerelaughingathim,andhisbloodboiled.hedetestedmildrednowwithallhisheart.heknewthatthebestthinghecoulddowastoceasecomingtothetea-shop,buthecouldnotbeartothinkthathehadbeenworstedintheaffair,andhedevisedaplantoshowherthathedespisedher.nextdayhesatdownatanothertableandorderedhisteafromanotherwaitress.mildred’sfriendwasthereagainandshewastalkingtohim.shepaidnoattentiontophilip,andsowhenhewentouthechoseamomentwhenshehadtocrosshispath:ashepassedhelookedatherasthoughhehadneverseenherbefore.herepeatedthisforthreeorfourdays.heexpectedthatpresentlyshewouldtaketheopportunitytosaysomethingtohim;hethoughtshewouldaskwhyhenevercametooneofhertablesnow,andhehadpreparedananswerchargedwithalltheloathinghefeltforher.heknewitwasabsurdtotrouble,buthecouldnothelphimself.shehadbeatenhimagain.thegermansuddenlydisappeared,butphilipstillsatatothertables.shepaidnoattentiontohim.suddenlyherealisedthatwhathedidwasamatterofcompleteindifferencetoher;hecouldgooninthatwaytilldoomsday,anditwouldhavenoeffect.

“i’venotfinishedyet,”hesaidtohimself.

thedayafterhesatdowninhisoldseat,andwhenshecameupsaidgood-eveningasthoughhehadnotignoredherforaweek.hisfacewasplacid,buthecouldnotpreventthemadbeatingofhisheart.atthattimethemusicalcomedyhadlatelyleapedintopublicfavour,andhewassurethatmildredwouldbedelightedtogotoone.

“isay,”hesaidsuddenly,“iwonderifyou’ddinewithmeonenightandcometothebelleofnewyork.i’llgetacoupleofstalls.”

headdedthelastsentenceinordertotempther.heknewthatwhenthegirlswenttotheplayitwaseitherinthepit,or,ifsomemantookthem,seldomtomoreexpensiveseatsthantheuppercircle.mildred’spalefaceshowednochangeofexpression.

“idon’tmind,”shesaid.

“whenwillyoucome?”

“igetoffearlyonthursdays.”

theymadearrangements.mildredlivedwithanauntathernehill.theplaybeganateightsotheymustdineatseven.sheproposedthatheshouldmeetherinthesecond-classwaiting-roomatvictoriastation.sheshowednopleasure,butacceptedtheinvitationasthoughsheconferredafavour.philipwasvaguelyirritated.