Chapter18

butphilipcouldnotlivelongintherarefiedairofthehilltops.whathadhappenedtohimwhenfirsthewasseizedbythereligiousemotionhappenedtohimnow.becausehefeltsokeenlythebeautyoffaith,becausethedesireforself-sacrificeburnedinhisheartwithsuchagem-likeglow,hisstrengthseemedinadequatetohisambition.hewastiredoutbytheviolenceofhispassion.hissoulwasfilledonasuddenwithasingulararidity.hebegantoforgetthepresenceofgodwhichhadseemedsosurrounding;andhisreligiousexercises,stillverypunctuallyperformed,grewmerelyformal.atfirstheblamedhimselfforthisfallingaway,andthefearofhell-fireurgedhimtorenewedvehemence;butthepassionwasdead,andgraduallyotherinterestsdistractedhisthoughts.

philiphadfewfriends.hishabitofreadingisolatedhim:itbecamesuchaneedthatafterbeingincompanyforsometimehegrewtiredandrestless;hewasvainofthewiderknowledgehehadacquiredfromtheperusalofsomanybooks,hismindwasalert,andhehadnottheskilltohidehiscontemptforhiscompanions’stupidity.theycomplainedthathewasconceited;and,sinceheexcelledonlyinmatterswhichtothemwereunimportant,theyaskedsatiricallywhathehadtobeconceitedabout.hewasdevelopingasenseofhumour,andfoundthathehadaknackofsayingbitterthings,whichcaughtpeopleontheraw;hesaidthembecausetheyamusedhim,hardlyrealisinghowmuchtheyhurt,andwasmuchoffendedwhenhefoundthathisvictimsregardedhimwithactivedislike.thehumiliationshesufferedwhenfirsthewenttoschoolhadcausedinhimashrinkingfromhisfellowswhichhecouldneverentirelyovercome;heremainedshyandsilent.butthoughhedideverythingtoalienatethesympathyofotherboyshelongedwithallhisheartforthepopularitywhichtosomewassoeasilyaccorded.thesefromhisdistanceheadmiredextravagantly;andthoughhewasinclinedtobemoresarcasticwiththemthanwithothers,thoughhemadelittlejokesattheirexpense,hewouldhavegivenanythingtochangeplaceswiththem.indeedhewouldgladlyhavechangedplaceswiththedullestboyintheschoolwhowaswholeoflimb.hetooktoasingularhabit.hewouldimaginethathewassomeboywhomhehadaparticularfancyfor;hewouldthrowhissoul,asitwere,intotheother’sbody,talkwithhisvoiceandlaughwithhisheart;hewouldimaginehimselfdoingallthethingstheotherdid.itwassovividthatheseemedforamomentreallytobenolongerhimself.inthiswayheenjoyedmanyintervalsoffantastichappiness.

atthebeginningofthechristmastermwhichfollowedonhisconfirmationphilipfoundhimselfmovedintoanotherstudy.oneoftheboyswhoshareditwascalledrose.hewasinthesameformasphilip,andphiliphadalwayslookeduponhimwithenviousadmiration.hewasnotgood-looking;thoughhislargehandsandbigbonesestedthathewouldbeatallman,hewasclumsilymade;buthiseyeswerecharming,andwhenhelaughed(hewasconstantlylaughing)hisfacewrinkledallroundtheminajollyway.hewasneitherclevernorstupid,butgoodenoughathisworkandbetteratgames.hewasafavouritewithmastersandboys,andheinhisturnlikedeveryone.

whenphilipwasputinthestudyhecouldnothelpseeingthattheothers,whohadbeentogetherforthreeterms,welcomedhimcoldly.itmadehimnervoustofeelhimselfanintruder;buthehadlearnedtohidehisfeelings,andtheyfoundhimquietandunobtrusive.withrose,becausehewasaslittleableasanyoneelsetoresisthischarm,philipwasevenmorethanusuallyshyandabrupt;andwhetheronaccountofthis,unconsciouslybentuponexertingthefascinationheknewwashisonlybytheresults,orwhetherfromsheerkindnessofheart,itwasrosewhofirsttookphilipintothecircle.oneday,quitesuddenly,heaskedphilipifhewouldwalktothefootballfieldwithhim.philipflushed.

“ican’twalkfastenoughforyou,”hesaid.

“rot.comeon.”  andjustbeforetheyweresettingoutsomeboyputhisheadinthestudy-doorandaskedrosetogowithhim.

“ican’t,”heanswered.“i’vealreadypromisedcarey.”

“don’tbotheraboutme,”saidphilipquickly.“ishan’tmind.”

“rot,”saidrose.

helookedatphilipwiththosegood-naturedeyesofhisandlaughed.philipfeltacurioustremorinhisheart.

inalittlewhile,theirfriendshipgrowingwithboyishrapidity,thepairwereinseparable.otherfellowswonderedatthesuddenintimacy,androsewasaskedwhathesawinphilip.

“oh,idon’tknow,”heanswered.“he’snothalfabadchapreally.”

soontheygrewaccustomedtothetwowalkingintochapelarminarmorstrollingroundtheprecinctsinconversation;whereveronewastheothercouldbefoundalso,and,asthoughacknowledginghisproprietorship,boyswhowantedrosewouldleavemessageswithcarey.philipatfirstwasreserved.hewouldnotlethimselfyieldentirelytotheproudjoythatfilledhim;butpresentlyhisdistrustofthefatesgavewaybeforeawildhappiness.hethoughtrosethemostwonderfulfellowhehadeverseen.hisbooksnowwereinsignificant;hecouldnotbotheraboutthemwhentherewassomethinginfinitelymoreimportanttooccupyhim.rose’sfriendsusedtocomeintoteainthestudysometimesorsitaboutwhentherewasnothingbettertodo—roselikedacrowdandthechanceofarag—andtheyfoundthatphilipwasquiteadecentfellow.philipwashappy.

whenthelastdayoftermcameheandrosearrangedbywhichtraintheyshouldcomeback,sothattheymightmeetatthestationandhaveteainthetownbeforereturningtoschool.philipwenthomewithaheavyheart.hethoughtofroseallthroughtheholidays,andhisfancywasactivewiththethingstheywoulddotogethernextterm.hewasboredatthevicarage,andwhenonthelastdayhisuncleputhimtheusualquestionintheusualfacetioustone:

“well,areyougladtobegoingbacktoschool?”

philipansweredjoyfully.

“rather.”

inordertobesureofmeetingroseatthestationhetookanearliertrainthanheusuallydid,andhewaitedabouttheplatformforanhour.whenthetraincameinfromfaversham,whereheknewrosehadtochange,heranalongitexcitedly.butrosewasnotthere.hegotaportertotellhimwhenanothertrainwasdue,andhewaited;butagainhewasdisappointed;andhewascoldandhungry,sohewalked,throughside-streetsandslums,byashortcuttotheschool.hefoundroseinthestudy,withhisfeetonthechimney-piece,talkingeighteentothedozenwithhalfadozenboyswhoweresittingonwhatevertherewastositon.heshookhandswithphilipenthusiastically,butphilip’sfacefell,forherealisedthatrosehadforgottenallabouttheirappointment.

“isay,whyareyousolate?”saidrose.“ithoughtyouwerenevercoming.”

“youwereatthestationathalf-pastfour,”saidanotherboy.“isawyouwhenicame.”

philipblushedalittle.hedidnotwantrosetoknowthathehadbeensuchafoolastowaitforhim.

“ihadtoseeaboutafriendofmypeople’s,”heinventedreadily.“iwasaskedtoseeheroff.”

buthisdisappointmentmadehimalittlesulky.hesatinsilence,andwhenspokentoansweredinmonosyllables.hewasmakinguphismindtohaveitoutwithrosewhentheywerealone.butwhentheothershadgoneroseatoncecameoverandsatonthearmofthechairinwhichphilipwaslounging.

“isay,i’mjollygladwe’reinthesamestudythisterm.ripping,isn’tit?”

heseemedsogenuinelypleasedtoseephilipthatphilip’sannoyancevanished.theybeganasiftheyhadnotbeenseparatedforfiveminutestotalkeagerlyofthethousandthingsthatinterestedthem.