Chapter13

twoyearspassed,andphilipwasnearlytwelve.hewasinthefirstform,withintwoorthreeplacesofthetop,andafterchristmaswhenseveralboyswouldbeleavingfortheseniorschoolhewouldbeheadboy.hehadalreadyquiteacollectionofprizes,worthlessbooksonbadpaper,butingorgeousbindingsdecoratedwiththearmsoftheschool:hispositionhadfreedhimfrombullying,andhewasnotunhappy.hisfellowsforgavehimhisessbecauseofhisdeformity.

“afterall,it’sjollyeasyforhimtogetprizes,”theysaid,“there’snothinghecandobutswat.”  hehadlosthisearlyterrorofmr.watson.hehadgrownusedtotheloudvoice,andwhentheheadmaster’sheavyhandwaslaidonhisshoulderphilipdiscernedvaguelytheintentionofacaress.hehadthegoodmemorywhichismoreusefulforscholasticachievementsthanmentalpower,andheknewmr.watsonexpectedhimtoleavethepreparatoryschoolwithascholarship.

buthehadgrownveryself-conscious.thenew-bornchilddoesnotrealisethathisbodyismoreapartofhimselfthansurroundingobjects,andwillplaywithhistoeswithoutanyfeelingthattheybelongtohimmorethantherattlebyhisside;anditisonlybydegrees,throughpain,thatheunderstandsthefactofthebody.andexperiencesofthesamekindarenecessaryfortheindividualtobecomeconsciousofhimself;butherethereisthedifferencethat,althougheveryonebecomesequallyconsciousofhisbodyasaseparateandcompleteorganism,everyonedoesnotbecomeequallyconsciousofhimselfasacompleteandseparatepersonality.thefeelingofapartnessfromotherscomestomostwithpuberty,butitisnotalwaysdevelopedtosuchadegreeastomakethedifferencebetweentheindividualandhisfellowsnoticeabletotheindividual.itissuchashe,aslittleconsciousofhimselfasthebeeinahive,whoaretheluckyinlife,fortheyhavethebestchanceofhappiness:theiractivitiesaresharedbyall,andtheirpleasuresareonlypleasuresbecausetheyareenjoyedincommon;youwillseethemonwhit-mondaydancingonhampsteadheath,shoutingatafootballmatch,orfromclubwindowsinpallmallcheeringaroyalprocession.itisbecauseofthemthatmanhasbeencalledasocialanimal.

philippassedfromtheinnocenceofchildhoodtobitterconsciousnessofhimselfbytheridiculewhichhisclub-foothadexcited.thecircumstancesofhiscaseweresopeculiarthathecouldnotapplytothemtheready-maderuleswhichactedwellenoughinordinaryaffairs,andhewasforcedtothinkforhimself.themanybookshehadreadfilledhismindwithideaswhich,becauseheonlyhalfunderstoodthem,gavemorescopetohisimagination.beneathhispainfulshynesssomethingwasgrowingupwithinhim,andobscurelyherealisedhispersonality.butattimesitgavehimoddsurprises;hedidthings,heknewnotwhy,andafterwardswhenhethoughtofthemfoundhimselfallatsea.

therewasaboycalledluardbetweenwhomandphilipafriendshiphadarisen,andoneday,whentheywereplayingtogetherintheschool-room,luardbegantoperformsometrickwithanebonypen-holderofphilip’s.

“don’tplaythegiddyox,”saidphilip.“you’llonlybreakit.”

“ishan’t.”

butnosoonerwerethewordsoutoftheboy’smouth

thanthepen-holdersnappedintwo.luardlookedatphilipwithdismay.

“oh,isay,i’mawfullysorry.”

thetearsrolleddownphilip’scheeks,buthedidnotanswer.

“isay,what’sthematter?”saidluard,withsurprise.“i’llgetyouanotheroneexactlythesame.”

“it’snotaboutthepen-holdericare,”saidphilip,inatremblingvoice,“onlyitwasgivenmebymymater,justbeforeshedied.”

“isay,i’mawfullysorry,carey.”

“itdoesn’tmatter.itwasn’tyourfault.”

philiptookthetwopiecesofthepen-holderandlookedatthem.hetriedtorestrainhissobs.hefeltutterlymiserable.andyethecouldnottellwhy,forheknewquitewellthathehadboughtthepen-holderduringhislastholidaysatblackstableforoneandtwopence.hedidnotknowintheleastwhathadmadehiminventthatpatheticstory,buthewasquiteasunhappyasthoughithadbeentrue.thepiousatmosphereofthevicarageandthereligioustoneoftheschoolhadmadephilip’sconscienceverysensitive;heabsorbedinsensiblythefeelingabouthimthatthetempterwaseveronthewatchtogainhisimmortalsoul;andthoughhewasnotmoretruthfulthanmostboyshenevertoldaliewithoutsufferingfromremorse.whenhethoughtoverthisincidenthewasverymuchdistressed,andmadeuphismindthathemustgotoluardandtellhimthatthestorywasaninvention.thoughhedreadedhumiliationmorethananythingintheworld,heedhimselffortwoorthreedaysatthethoughtoftheagonisingjoyofhumiliatinghimselftothegloryofgod.buthenevergotanyfurther.hesatisfiedhisconsciencebythemorecomfortablemethodofexpressinghisrepentanceonlytothealmighty.buthecouldnotunderstandwhyheshouldhavebeensogenuinelyaffectedbythestoryhewasmakingup.thetearsthatfloweddownhisgrubbycheekswererealtears.thenbysomeaccidentofassociationthereoccurredtohimthatscenewhenemmahadtoldhimofhismother’sdeath,and,thoughhecouldnotspeakforcrying,hehadinsistedongoingintosaygood-byetothemisseswatkinsothattheymightseehisgriefandpityhim.