第65章BOOKTHESECOND：THEGOLDENTHREAD(48)

第65章bookthesecond：thegoldenthread(48)

inthesadmoonlight，sheclaspedhimbytheneck，andlaidherfaceuponhisbreast.inthemoonlightwhichisalwayssad，asthelightofthesunitselfis—asthelightcalledhumanlifeis—atitscominganditsgoing.

'dearestdear！canyoutellme，thislasttime，thatyoufeelquite，quitesure，nonewaffectionsofmine，andnonewdutiesofmine，willeverinterposebetweenus？iknowitwell，butdoyouknowit？inyourownheart，doyoufeelquitecertain？'

herfatheranswered，withacheerfulfirmnessofconvictionhecouldscarcelyhaveassumed，'quitesure，mydarling！morethanthat，'headded，ashetenderlykissedher：'myfutureisfarbrighter，lucie，seenthroughyourmarriage，thanitcouldhavebeen—nay，thaniteverwas—withoutit.'

'ificouldhopethat，myfather！—'

'believeit，love！indeeditisso.considerhownaturalandhowplainitis，mydear，thatitshouldbeso.you，devotedandyoung，cannotfullyappreciatetheanxietyihavefeltthatyourlifeshouldnotbewasted—'shemovedherhandtowardshislips，buthetookitinhis，andrepeatedtheword.

'—wasted，mychild—shouldnotbewasted，struckasidefromthenaturalorderofthings—formysake.yourunselfishnesscannotentirelycomprehendhowmuchmymindhasgoneonthis；but，onlyaskyourself，howcouldmyhappinessbeperfect，whileyourswasincomplete？'

'ifihadneverseencharles，myfather，ishouldhavebeenquitehappywithyou.'

hesmiledatherunconsciousadmissionthatshewouldhavebeenunhappywithoutcharles，havingseenhim；andreplied：'mychild，youdidseehim，anditischarles.ifithadnotbeencharles，itwouldhavebeenanother.or，ifithadbeennoother，ishouldhavebeenthecause，andthenthedarkpartofmylifewouldhavecastitsshadowbeyondmyself，andwouldhavefallenonyou.'

itwasthefirsttime，exceptatthetrial，ofhereverhearinghimrefertotheperiodofhissuffering.itgaveherastrangeandnewsensationwhilehiswordswereinherears；andsheremembereditlongafterwards.

'see！'saidthedoctorofbeauvais，raisinghishandtowardsthemoon.'ihavelookedather，frommyprison-window，whenicouldnotbearherlight.ihavelookedatherwhenithasbeensuchtorturetometothinkofhershininguponwhatihadlost，thatihavebeatenmyheadagainstmyprison-walls.ihavelookedather，inastatesodullandlethargic，thatihavethoughtofnothingbutthenumberofhorizontallinesicoulddrawacrossheratthefull，andthenumberofperpendicularlineswithwhichicouldintersectthem.'headdedinhisinwardandponderingmanner，ashelookedatthemoon，'itwastwentyeitherway，iremember，andthetwentiethwasdifficulttosqueezein.'

thestrangethrillwithwhichsheheardhimgobacktothattime，deepenedashedweltuponit；but，therewasnothingtoshockherinthemannerofhisreference.heonlyseemedtocontrasthispresentcheerfulnessandfelicitywiththedireendurancethatwasover.

'ihavelookedather，speculatingthousandsoftimesupontheunbornchildfromwhomihadbeenrent.whetheritwasalive.whetherithadbeenbornalive，orthepoormother'sshockhadkilledit.whetheritwasasonwhowouldsomedayavengehisfather.（therewasatimeinmyimprisonment，whenmydesireforvengeancewasunbearable.）whetheritwasasonwhowouldneverknowhisfather'sstory；whomightevenlivetoweighthepossibilityofhisfather'shavingdisappearedofhisownwillandact.whetheritwasadaughterwhowouldgrowtobeawoman.'

shedrewclosertohim，andkissedhischeekandhishand.

'ihavepicturedmydaughter，tomyself，asperfectlyforgetfulofme—rather，altogetherignorantofme，andunconsciousofme.ihavecastuptheyearsofherage，yearafteryear.ihaveseenhermarriedtoamanwhoknewnothingofmyfate.ihavealtogetherperishedfromtheremembranceoftheliving，andinthenextgenerationmyplacewasablank.'

'myfather！eventohearthatyouhadsuchthoughtsofadaughterwhoneverexisted，strikestomyheartasifihadbeenthatchild.'

'you，lucie？itisoutoftheconsolationandrestorationyouhavebroughttome，thattheseremembrancesarise，andpassbetweenusandthemoononthislastnight.—whatdidisayjustnow？'

'sheknewnothingofyou.shecarednothingforyou.'

'so！butonothermoonlightnights，whenthesadnessandthesilencehavetouchedmeinadifferentway—haveaffectedmewithsomethingaslikeasorrowfulsenseofpeace，asanyemotionthathadpainforitsfoundationscould—ihaveimaginedherascomingtomeinmycell，andleadingmeoutintothefreedombeyondthefortress.ihaveseenherimageinthemoonlightoften，asinowseeyou；exceptthatineverheldherinmyarms；itstoodbetweenthelittlegratedwindowandthedoor.but，youunderstandthatthatwasnotthechildiamspeakingof？'

'thefigurewasnot；the—the—image；thefancy？'

'no.thatwasanotherthing.itstoodbeforemydisturbedsenseofsight，butitnevermoved.thephantomthatmymindpursued，wasanotherandmorerealchild.ofheroutwardappearanceiknownomorethanthatshewaslikehermother.theotherhadthatlikenesstoo—asyouhave—butwasnotthesame.canyoufollowme，lucie？hardly，ithink？idoubtyoumusthavebeenasolitaryprisonertounderstandtheseperplexeddistinctions.'

hiscollectedandcalmmannercouldnotpreventherbloodfromrunningcold，ashethustriedtoanatomisehisoldcondition.

'inthatmorepeacefulstate，ihaveimaginedher，inthemoonlight，comingtomeandtakingmeouttoshowmethatthehomeofhermarriedlifewasfullofherlovingremembranceofherlostfather.mypicturewasinherroom，andiwasinherprayers.herlifewasactive，cheerful，useful；butmypoorhistorypervadeditall.'

'iwasthatchild，myfather.iwasnothalfsogood，butinmylovethatwasi.'