第12章TheHandbookofHymen

第12章thehandbookofhymen

'tistheopinionofmyself,sandersonpratt,whosetsthisdown,thattheeducationalsystemoftheunitedstatesshouldbeinthehandsoftheweatherbureau.icangiveyougoodreasonsforit;andyoucan'ttellmewhyourcollegeprofessorsshouldnbetransferredtothemeteorologicaldepartment.theyhavebeenlearnedtoread;andtheycouldveryeasilyglanceatthemorningpapersandthenwireintothemainofficewhatkindofweathertoexpect.butthere'stheothersideoftheproposition.iamgoingontotellyouhowtheweatherfurnishedmeandidahogreenwithaneleganteducation.

wewasupinthebitterrootmountainsoverthemontanalineprospectingforgold.achin-whiskeredmaninwalla-walla,carryingalineofhopeasexcessage,hadgrubstakedus;andtherewewasinthefoothillspeckingaway,withenoughgrubonhandtolastanarmythroughapeaceconference.

alongonedaycomesamail-rideroverthemountainsfromcarlos,andstopstoeatthreecansofgreengages,andleaveusanewspaperofmoderndate.thispaperprintsasystemofpremonitionsoftheweather,andthecarditdealtbitterrootmountainsfromthebottomofthedeckwas"warmerandfair,withlightwestedybreezes".

thateveningitbegantosnow,withthewindstrongintheeast.meandidahomovedcampintoanoldemptycabinhigherupthemountain,thinkingitwasonlyanovemberflurry.butafterfallingthreefootonalevelitwenttoworkinearnest;andweknewwewassnowedin.wegotinplentyoffirewoodbeforeitgotdeep,andwehadgrubenoughfortwomonths,sowelettheelementsrageandcutupalltheythoughtproper.

ifyouwanttoinstigatetheartofmanslaughterjustshuttwomenupinaeighteenbytwenty-footcabinforamonth.humannaturewon'tstandit.

whenthefirstsnowflakesfellmeandidahogreenlaughedateachother'sjokesandpraisedthestuffweturnedoutofaskilletandcalledbread.attheendofthreeweeksidahomakesthiskindofaedicttome.sayshe:

"ineverexactlyheardsourmilkdroppingoutofaballoononthebottomofatinpan,butihaveanideaitwouldbemusicofthespearscomparedtothisattenuatedstreamofasphyxiatedthoughtthatemanatesoutofyourorgansofconversation.thekindofhalfmasticatednoisesthatyouemiteverydayputsmeinmindofacow'scud,onlyshe'sladyenoughtokeepherstoherself,andyouain."

"mr.green,"saysi,"youhavingbeenafriendofmineonce,ihavesomehesitationsinconfessingtoyouthatifihadmychoiceforsocietybetweenyouandacommonyellow,three-edcurpup,oneoftheinmatesofthisherecabinwouldbeingatailjustatpresent."

thiswaywegoesonfortwoorthreedays,andthenwequitsspeakingtooneanother.wedividesupthecookingimplements,andidahocookshisgrubononesideofthefireplaceandmeontheother.thesnowisuptothewindows,andwehavetokeepafireallday.

youseemeandidahoneverhadanyeducationbeyondreadinganddoing"ifjohnhadthreeapplesandjamesfive"onaslate.weneverfeltanyspecialneedforauniversitydegree,thoughwehadacquiredaspeciesofintrinsicintelligenceinknockingaroundtheworldthatwecoulduseinemergencies.but,snowboundinthatcabininthebitterroots,wefeltforthefirsttimethatifwehadstudiedhomerorgreekandfractionsandthehigherbranchesofinformaton,we'dhavehadsomeresourcesinthelineofmeditationandprivatethought.i'veseenthemeasterncollegefellowsworkingincampsallthroughthewest,andinevernoticedbutwhateducationwaslessofadrawbackto'emthanyouwouldthink.why,onceoveronsnakeriver,whenandrewmcwilliams'saddlehorsegotthebotts,hesentabuckboardtenmilesforoneofthesestrangersthatclaimedtobeabotanist.butthathorsedied.

onemorningidahowaspokingaroundwithastickontopofalittleshelfthatwastoohightoreach.twobooksfelldowntothefloor.istartedtoward'em,butcaughtidaho'seye.hespeaksforthefirsttimeinaweek.

"don'tburnyourfingers,"sayshe."inspiteofthefactthatyou'reonlyfittobethecompanionofasleepingmud-turtle,i'llgiveyouasquaredeal.andthat'smorethanyourparentsdidwhentheyturnedyoulooseintheworldwiththesociabilityofarattle-snakeandthebedsidemannerofafrozenturnip.i'llplayyouagameofseven-up,thewinnertopickuphischoiceofthebook,thelosertotaketheother."

weplayed;andidahowon.hepickeduphisbook,anditookmine.theneachofusgotonhissideofthehouseandwenttoreading.

ineverwasasgladtoseeaten-ounceetasiwasthatbook.andidahotookathislikeakidlooksatastickofcandy.

minewasalittlebookaboutfivebysixinchescalled"herkimer'shandbookofindiepensableinformation."imaybewrong,butithinkthatwasthegreatestbookthateverwaswritten.i'vegotitto-day;andicanstumpyouoranymanfiftytimesinfiveminuteswiththeinformationinit.talkaboutsolomonorthenewyorktribune!herkimerhadcasesonbothof'em.thatmanmusthaveputinfiftyyearsandtraveledamillionmilestofindoutallthatstuff.therewasthepopulationofallcitiesinit,andthewaytotellagirl'sage,andthenumberofteethacamelhas.ittoldyouthelongesttunnelintheworld,thenumberofthestars,howlongittakesforchickenpoxtobreakout,whatalady'sneckoughttomeasure,thevetopowersofgovernors,thedatesoftheromanaqueducts,howmanypoundsofricegoingwithoutthreebeersadaywouldbuy,theaverageannualtemperatureofaugusta,maine,thequantityofseedrequiredtoplantallacreofcarrotsindrills,antidotesforpoisons,thenumberofhairsonablondlady'shead,howtopreserveeggs,theheightofallthemountainsintheworld,andthedatesofallwarsandbattles,andhowtorestoredrownedpersons,andsunstroke,andfilenumberoftacksinapound,andhowtomakedynamiteandflowersandbeds,andwhattodobeforethedoctorcomes—andahundredtimesasmanythingsbesides.iftherewasanythingherkimerdidn'tknowididn'tmissitoutofthebook.

isatandreadthatbookforfourhours.allthewondersofeducationwascompressedinit.iforgotthesnow,andiforgotthatmeandoldidahowasontheouts.hewassittingstillonastoolreadingawaywithakindofpartlysoftandpartlymysteriouslookshiningthroughhistan-barkwhiskers.

"idaho,"saysi,"whatkindofabookisyours?"

idahomusthaveforgot,too,forheansweredmoderate,withoutanyslanderormalignity.

"why,"sayshe,"thishereseemstobeavolumebyhomerk.m."

"homerk.m.what?"iasks.

"why,justhomerk.m.,"sayshe.

"you'realiar,"saysi,alittleriledthatidahoshouldtrytoputmeupatree."nomanisgoing'roundsigningbookswithhisinitials.ifit'shomerk.m.spoopendyke,orhtomerk.m.mcsweeney,orhomerk.m.jones,whydon'tyousaysolikeamaninsteadofbitingofftheendofitlikeacalfchewingoffthetailofashirtonaclothes-line?"

"iputittoyoustraight,sandy,"saysidaho,quiet."it'sapoembook,"sayshe,"byhomerk.m.icouldn'tgetcoloroutofitatfirst,butthere'saveinifyoufollowitup.iwouldn'thavemissedthisbookforapairofredblankets."

"you'rewelcometoit,"saysi."whatiwantisadisinterestedstatementoffactsforthemindtoworkon,andthat'swhatiseemtofindinthebooki'vedrawn."

"whatyou'vegot,"saysidaho,"isstatistics,thelowestgradeofinformationthatexists.they'llpoisonyourmind.givemeoldk.m.'ssystemofsurmises.heseemstobeakindofawineagent.hisregulartoastis'nothingdoing,'andheseemstohaveagrouch,buthekeepsitsowelllubricatedwithboozethathisworstkickssoundlikeaninvitationtosplitaquart.butit'spoetry,"saysidaho,"andihavesensationsofscornforthattruckofyoursthattriestoconveysenseinfeetandinches.whenitcomestoexplainingtheinstinctofphilosophythroughtheartofnature,oldk.m.hasgotyourmanbeatbydrills,rows,paragraphs,chestmeasurement,andaverageannualrainfall."

sothat'sthewaymeandidahohadit.dayandnightalltheexcitementwegotwasstudyingourbooks.thatsnowstormsurefixeduswithafinelotofattainmentsapiece.bythetimethesnowmelted,ifyouhadsteppeduptomesuddenlyandsaid:"sandersonpratt,whatwoulditcostpersquarefoottolayaroofwithtwentybytwenty-eighttinatninedollarsandfiftycentsperbox?"i'dhavetoldyouasquickaslightcouldtravelthelengthofaspadehandleattherateofonehundredandninety-twothousandmilespersecond.howmanycandoit?youwakeup'mostanymallyouknowinthemiddleofthenight,andaskhimquicktotellyouthenumberofbonesinthehumanskeletonexclusiveoftileteeth,orwhatpercentageofthevoteofthenebraskalegislatureoverrulesaveto.willhetellyou?tryhimandsee.

aboutwhatbenefitidahogotoutofhispoetrybookididn'texacdyknow.idahoboostedthewine-agenteverytimetieopenedhismouth;butiwasn'tsosure.

thishomerk.m.,fromwhatleakedoutofhislibrettothroughidaho,seemedtometobeakindofadogwholookedatlifelikeitwasatincantiedtohistail.afterrunninghimselfhalftodeath,hesitsdown,hangshistongueout,andlooksatthecanandsays:

"oh,well,sincewecan'tshakethegrowler,let'sgetitfilledatthecorner,andallhaveadrinkonme."

besidesthat,itseemshewasapersian;andineverhearofpersiaproducinganythingworthmentioningunlessitwasturkishrugsandmaltesecats.

thatspringmeandidahostruckpayore.itwasahabitofourstoselloutquickandkeepmoving.weunloadedourgrubstakerforeiglitthousanddollarapiece;andthenwedrifteddowntothislittletownofrosa,onthesalmonriver,torestup,andgetsomehumangrub,andhaveourwhiskersharvested.

rosawasnomining-camp.itlaidinthevalley,andwasasfreeofuproarandpestilenceasoneofthemruraltownsinthecountry.therewasathree-miletrolleylinechampingitsbitintheenvirons;andmeandidahospentaweekridingononeofthecars,droppingoffofnightsatthesunsetviewhotel.beingnowwellreadaswellastravened,wewassoonprorenatawiththebestsocietyinrosa,andwasinvitedouttothemostdressed-upandhigh-tonedentertainments.itwasatapianorecitalandquail-eatingcontestinthecityhall,forthebenefitofthefirecompany,thatmeandidahofirstmetmrs.deormondsampson,thequeenofrosasociety.

mrs.sampsonwasawidow,andownedtheonlytwo-storyhouseintown.itwaspaintedyellow,andwhicheverwayyoulookedfromyoucouldseeitasplainaseggonthechinofano'gradyonafriday.twenty-twomeninrosabesidesmeandidahowastryingtostakeaclaimonthatyellowhouse.

therewasadanceafterthesongbooksandquailboneshadbeenrakedoutofthehall.twenty-threeofthebunchgallopedovertomrs.sampsonandaskedforadance.iside-steppedthetwo-step,andaskedpermissiontoescortherhome.that'swhereimadeahit.

onthewayhomesaysshe:

"ain'tthestarslovelyandbrighttonight,mrpratt?"

"forthechancethey'vegot,"say'si,"they'rehumpingthemselvesinamightycreditableway.thatbigoneyouseeissixty-sixmillionmilesdistant.ittookthirty-sixyearsforitslighttoreachus.withaneighteen-foottelescopeyoucanseeforty-threemillionsof'em,includingthemofthethirteenthmagnitude,which,ifonewastogooutnow,youwouldkeeponseeingitfortwenty-sevenhundredyears."

"my!"saysmrs.sampson."ineverknewthatbefore.howwarmitis!i'masdampasicanbefromdancingsomuch."

"that'seasytoaccountfor,"saysi,"whenyouhappentoknowthatyou'vegottwomillinnsweat-glandsworkingallatonce.ifeveryoneofyourperspiratoryducts,whichareaquarterofaninchlong,wasplacedendtoend,theywouldreachadistanceofsevenmiles."

"lawsy!"saysmrs.sampson."itsoundslikeanirrigationditchyouwasdescribing,mr.pratt.howdoyougetallthisknowledgeofinformation?"

"fromobservation,mrs.sampson,"itellsher."ikeepmyeyesopenwhenigoabouttheworld."

"mr.pratt,"saysshe,"ialwaysdidadmireamanofeducation.therearesofewscholarsamongthesap-headedplug-ugliesofthistownthatitisarealpleasuretoconversewithagentlemanofculture.i'dbegratifiedtohaveyoucallatmyhousewheneveryoufeelsoinclined."

andthatwasthewayigotthegoodwilloftheladyintheyellowhouse.everytuesdayandfridayeveningsiusedtogothereandtellheraboutthewondersoftheuniverseasdiscovered,tabulated,andcompiledfromnautrebyherkimer.idahoandtheothergaylutheransofthetowngoteveryminuteoftherestoftheweekthattheycould.

ineverimaginedthatidahowastryingtoworkonmrs.sampsonwitholdk.m.rulesofcourtshiptilloneafternoonwheniwasonmywayovertotakeherabasketofwildhog-plums.imettheladycomingdownthelanethatledtoherhouse.hereyeswassnapping,andherhatmadeadangerousdipoveroneeye.

"mr.pratt,"sheopensup,"thismr.greenisafriendofyours,ibelieve."

"fornineyears,"sayi.

"cuthimout,"saysshe."he'snogentleman!"

"whyma'am,"saysi,"he'saplainincumbentofthemountains,withasperitiesandtheusualfailingsofaspendthriftandaliar,butineveronthemostmomentousoccasionhadthehearttodenythathewasagentleman.itmaybethatinhaberdasheryandthesenseofarroganceanddisplayidahooffendstheeye,butinside,ma'am,i'vefoundhimimpervioustothelowergradesofcrimeandobesity.afternineyearsofidaho'ssociety,mrs.sampson,"iwindsup,"ishouldhatetoimputehim,andishouldhatetoseehimimputed."

"it'srightplausibleofyou,mr.pratt,"saysmrs.sampson,"totakeupthecurmudgeonsinyourfriend'sbehalf;butitdon'talterthefactthathehasmadeproposalstomesufficientlyobnoxioustoruffletheignominyofanylady."