第135章

第135章“shan’twe?”headdedagain.

heseemedtowanttosaysomethingmore,butcouldnotspeakout.

“youmustforgiveme,porfirypetrovitch,forwhathasjustpassed…ilostmytemper,”beganraskolnikov,whohadsofarregainedhiscouragethathefeltirresistiblyinclinedtodisplayhiscoolness.

“don’tmentionit,don’tmentionit,”porfiryreplied,almostgleefully.“imyself,too…ihaveawickedtemper,iadmitit!butweshallmeetagain.ifit’sgod’swill,wemayseeagreatdealofoneanother.”

“andwillgettoknoweachotherthroughandthrough?”addedraskolnikov.

“yes;knoweachotherthroughandthrough,”assentedporfirypetrovitch,andhescreweduphiseyes,lookingearnestlyatraskolnikov.“nowyou’regoingtoabirthdayparty?”

“toafuneral.”

“ofcourse,thefuneral!takecareofyourself,andgetwell.”

“idon’tknowwhattowishyou,”saidraskolnikov,whohadbeguntodescendthestairs,butlookedbackagain.“ishouldliketowishyouess,butyourofficeissuchacomicalone.”

“whycomical?”porfirypetrovitchhadturnedtogo,butheseemedtoprickuphisearsatthis.

“why,howyoumusthavebeentorturingandharassingthatpoornikolaypsychologically,afteryourfashion,tillheconfessed!youmusthavebeenathimdayandnight,provingtohimthathewasthemurderer,andnowthathehasconfessed,you’llbeginvivisectinghimagain.‘youarelying,’you’llsay.‘youarenotthemurderer!youcan’tbe!it’snotyourowntaleyouaretelling!’youmustadmitit’sacomicalbusiness!”

“he-he-he!younoticedthenthatisaidtonikolayjustnowthatitwasnothisowntalehewastelling?”

“howcouldihelpnoticingit!”

“he-he!youarequick-witted.younoticeeverything!you’vereallyaplayfulmind!andyoualwaysfastenonthecomicside…he-he!theysaythatwasthemarkedcharacteristicofgogol,amongthewriters.”

“yes,ofgogol.”

“yes,ofgogol.…ishalllookforwardtomeetingyou.”

“soshalli.”

raskolnikovwalkedstraighthome.hewassomuddledandbewilderedthatongettinghomehesatforaquarterofanhouronthesofa,tryingtocollecthisthoughts.hedidnotattempttothinkaboutnikolay;hewasstupefied;hefeltthathisconfessionwassomethinginexplicable,amazing—somethingbeyondhisunderstanding.butnikolay’sconfessionwasanactualfact.theconsequencesofthisfactwerecleartohimatonce,itsfalsehoodcouldnotfailtobediscovered,andthentheywouldbeafterhimagain.tillthen,atleast,hewasfreeandmustdosomethingforhimself,forthedangerwasimminent.

buthowimminent?hispositiongraduallybecamecleartohim.remembering,sketchily,themainoutlinesofhisrecentscenewithporfiry,hecouldnothelpshudderingagainwithhorror.ofcourse,hedidnotyetknowallporfiry’saims,hecouldnotseeintoallhiscalculations.buthehadalreadypartlyshownhishand,andnooneknewbetterthanraskolnikovhowterribleporfiry’s“lead”hadbeenforhim.alittlemoreandhemighthavegivenhimselfawaycompletely,circumstantially.knowinghisnervoustemperamentandfromthefirstglanceseeingthroughhim,porfiry,thoughplayingaboldgame,wasboundtowin.there’snodenyingthatraskolnikovhadcompromisedhimselfseriously,butnofactshadcometolightasyet;therewasnothingpositive.butwashetakingatrueviewoftheposition?wasn’themistaken?whathadporfirybeentryingtogetat?hadhereallysomesurprisepreparedforhim?andwhatwasit?hadhereallybeenexpectingsomethingornot?howwouldtheyhavepartedifithadnotbeenfortheunexpectedappearanceofnikolay?

porfiryhadshownalmostallhiscards—ofcourse,hehadriskedsomethinginshowingthem—andifhehadreallyhadanythinguphissleeve(raskolnikovreflected),hewouldhaveshownthat,too.whatwasthat“surprise”?wasitajoke?haditmeantanything?couldithaveconcealedanythinglikeafact,apieceofpositiveevidence?hisyesterday’svisitor?whathadbecomeofhim?wherewasheto-day?ifporfiryreallyhadanyevidence,itmustbeconnectedwithhim.…

hesatonthesofawithhiselbowsonhiskneesandhisfacehiddeninhishands.hewasstillshiveringnervously.atlasthegotup,tookhiscap,thoughtaminute,andwenttothedoor.

hehadasortofpresentimentthatforto-day,atleast,hemightconsiderhimselfoutofdanger.hehadasuddensensealmostofjoy;hewantedtomakehastetokaterinaivanovna’s.hewouldbetoolateforthefuneral,ofcourse,buthewouldbeintimeforthememorialdinner,andthereatoncehewouldseesonia.

hestoodstill,thoughtamoment,andasufferingsmilecameforamomentontohislips.

“to-day!to-day,”herepeatedtohimself.“yes,to-day!soitmustbe.…”