第106章

第106章“quiteso,”answeredrazumihin.bothwithdrewcarefullyandclosedthedoor.anotherhalf-hourpassed.raskolnikovopenedhiseyes,turnedonhisbackagain,claspinghishandsbehindhishead.

“whoishe?whoisthatmanwhosprangoutoftheearth?wherewashe,whatdidhesee?hehasseenitall,that’sclear.wherewashethen?andfromwheredidhesee?whyhasheonlynowsprungoutoftheearth?andhowcouldhesee?isitpossible?hm…”continuedraskolnikov,turningcoldandshivering,“andthejewelcasenikolayfoundbehindthedoor—wasthatpossible?aclue?youmissaninfinitesimallineandyoucanbuilditintoapyramidofevidence!aflyflewbyandsawit!isitpossible?”hefeltwithsuddenloathinghowweak,howphysicallyweakhehadbecome.“ioughttohaveknownit,”hethoughtwithabittersmile.“andhowdaredi,knowingmyself,knowinghowishouldbe,takeupanaxeandshedblood!ioughttohaveknownbeforehand.…ah,butididknow!”hewhisperedindespair.attimeshecametoastandstillatsomethought.

“no,thosemenarenotmadeso.therealmastertowhomallispermittedstormstoulon,makesamassacreinparis,forgetsanarmyinegypt,wasteshalfamillionmeninthemoscowexpeditionandgetsoffwithajestatvilna.andaltarsaresetuptohimafterhisdeath,andsoallispermitted.no,suchpeople,itseems,arenotoffleshbutofbronze!”

onesuddenirrelevantideaalmostmadehimlaugh.napoleon,thepyramids,waterloo,andawretchedskinnyoldwoman,apawnbrokerwitharedtrunkunderherbed—it’sanicehashforporfirypetrovitchtodigest!howcantheydigestit!it’stooinartistic.“anapoleoncreepunderanoldwoman’sbed!ugh,howloathsome!”

atmomentshefelthewasraving.hesankintoastateoffeverishexcitement.“theoldwomanisofnoconsequence,”hethought,hotlyandincoherently.“theoldwomanwasamistakeperhaps,butsheisnotwhatmatters!theoldwomanwasonlyanillness.…iwasinahurrytooverstep.…ididn’tkillahumanbeing,butaprinciple!ikilledtheprinciple,butididn’toverstep,istoppedonthisside.…iwasonlycapableofkilling.anditseemsiwasn’tevencapableofthat…principle?whywasthatfoolrazumihinabusingthesocialists?theyareindustrious,commercialpeople;‘thehappinessofall’istheircase.no,lifeisonlygiventomeonceandishallneverhaveitagain;idon’twanttowaitfor‘thehappinessofall.’iwanttolivemyself,orelsebetternotliveatall.isimplycouldn’tpassbymymotherstarving,keepingmyroubleinmypocketwhileiwaitedforthe‘happinessofall.’iamputtingmylittlebrickintothehappinessofallandsomyheartisatpeace.ha-ha!whyhaveyouletmeslip?ionlyliveonce,itoowant.…ech,iamanaestheticlouseandnothingmore,”headdedsuddenly,laughinglikeamadman.“yes,iamcertainlyalouse,”hewenton,clutchingattheidea,gloatingoveritandplayingwithitwithvindictivepleasure.“inthefirstplace,becauseicanreasonthatiamone,andsecondly,becauseforamonthpastihavebeentroublingbenevolentprovidence,callingittowitnessthatnotformyownfleshlylustsdidiundertakeit,butwithagrandandnobleobject—ha-ha!thirdly,becauseiaimedatcarryingitoutasjustlyaspossible,weighing,measuringandcalculating.ofalltheliceipickedoutthemostuselessoneandproposedtotakefromheronlyasmuchasineededforthefirststep,nomorenorless(sotherestwouldhavegonetoamonastery,accordingtoherwill,ha-ha!).andwhatshowsthatiamutterlyalouse,”headded,grindinghisteeth,“isthatiamperhapsvilerandmoreloathsomethanthelouseikilled,andifeltbeforehandthatishouldtellmyselfsoafterkillingher.cananythingbecomparedwiththehorrorofthat?thevulgarity!theabjectness!iunderstandthe‘prophet’withhissabre,onhissteed:allahcommandsand‘trembling’creationmustobey!the‘prophet’isright,heisrightwhenhesetsabatteryacrossthestreetandblowsuptheinnocentandtheguiltywithoutdeigningtoexplain!it’sforyoutoobey,tremblingcreation,andnottohavedesires,forthat’snotforyou!…ishallnever,neverforgivetheoldwoman!”

hishairwassoakedwithsweat,hisquiveringlipswereparched,hiseyeswerefixedontheceiling.

“mother,sister—howilovedthem!whydoihatethemnow?yes,ihatethem,ifeelaphysicalhatredforthem,ican’tbearthemnearme.…iwentuptomymotherandkissedher,iremember.…toembraceherandthinkifsheonlyknew…shallitellherthen?that’sjustwhatimightdo.…shemustbethesameasiam,”headded,straininghimselftothink,asitwerelingwithdelirium.“ah,howihatetheoldwomannow!ifeelishouldkillheragainifshecametolife!poorlizaveta!whydidshecomein?…it’sstrangethough,whyisitiscarcelyeverthinkofher,asthoughihadn’tkilledher?lizaveta!sonia!poorgentlethings,withgentleeyes.…dearwomen!whydon’ttheyweep?whydon’ttheymoan?theygiveupeverything…theireyesaresoftandgentle.…sonia,sonia!gentlesonia!”