第46章

第46章thenhewentout,andturnedintothesquare.againanintense,almostunbearablejoyoverwhelmedhimforaninstant,asithadinthepolice-office.“ihaveburiedmytracks!andwho,whocanthinkoflookingunderthatstone?ithasbeenlyingtheremostlikelyeversincethehousewasbuilt,andwilllieasmanyyearsmore.andifitwerefound,whowouldthinkofme?itisallover!noclue!”andhelaughed.yes,herememberedthathebeganlaughingathin,nervousnoiselesslaugh,andwentonlaughingallthetimehewascrossingthesquare.butwhenhereachedthek——boulevardwheretwodaysbeforehehadcomeuponthatgirl,hislaughtersuddenlyceased.otherideascreptintohismind.hefeltallatoncethatitwouldbeloathsometopassthatseatonwhichafterthegirlwasgone,hehadsatandpondered,andthatitwouldbehateful,too,tomeetthatwhiskeredpolicemantowhomhehadgiventhetwentycopecks:“damnhim!”

hewalked,lookingabouthimangrilyanddistractedly.allhisideasnowseemedtobecirclingroundsomesinglepoint,andhefeltthattherereallywassuchapoint,andthatnow,now,hewasleftfacingthatpoint—andforthefirsttime,indeed,duringthelasttwomonths.

“damnitall!”hethoughtsuddenly,inafitofungovernablefury.“ifithasbegun,thenithasbegun.hangthenewlife!goodlord,howstupiditis!…andwhatliesitoldto-day!howdespicablyifawneduponthatwretchedilyapetrovitch!butthatisallfolly!whatdoicareforthemall,andmyfawninguponthem!itisnotthatatall!itisnotthatatall!”

suddenlyhestopped;anewutterlyunexpectedandexceedinglysimplequestionperplexedandbitterlyconfoundedhim.

“ifitallhasreallybeendonedeliberatelyandnotidiotically,ifireallyhadacertainanddefiniteobject,howisitididnotevenglanceintothepurseanddon’tknowwhatihadthere,forwhichihaveundergonetheseagonies,andhavedeliberatelyundertakenthisbase,filthydegradingbusiness?andhereiwantedatoncetothrowintothewaterthepursetogetherwithallthethingswhichihadnotseeneither…how’sthat?”

yes,thatwasso,thatwasallso.yethehadknownitallbefore,anditwasnotanewquestionforhim,evenwhenitwasdecidedinthenightwithouthesitationandconsideration,asthoughsoitmustbe,asthoughitcouldnotpossiblybeotherwise.…yes,hehadknownitall,andunderstooditall;itsurelyhadallbeensettledevenyesterdayatthemomentwhenhewasbendingovertheboxandpullingthejewel-casesoutofit.…yes,soitwas.

“itisbecauseiamveryill,”hedecidedgrimlyatlast,“ihavebeenworryingandfrettingmyself,andidon’tknowwhatiamdoing.…yesterdayandthedaybeforeyesterdayandallthistimeihavebeenworryingmyself.…ishallgetwellandishallnotworry.…butwhatifidon’tgetwellatall?goodgod,howsickiamofitall!”

hewalkedonwithoutresting.hehadaterriblelongingforsomedistraction,buthedidnotknowwhattodo,whattoattempt.anewoverwhelmingsensationwasgainingmoreandmoremasteryoverhimeverymoment;thiswasanimmeasurable,almostphysical,repulsionforeverythingsurroundinghim,anobstinate,malignantfeelingofhatred.allwhomethimwereloathsometohim—heloathedtheirfaces,theirmovements,theirgestures.ifanyonehadaddressedhim,hefeltthathemighthavespatathimorbittenhim.…

hestoppedsuddenly,oncomingoutonthebankofthelittleneva,nearthebridgetovassilyevskyostrov.“why,heliveshere,inthathouse,”hethought,“why,ihavenotcometorazumihinofmyownaccord!hereit’sthesamethingoveragain.…veryinterestingtoknow,though;haveicomeonpurposeorhaveisimplywalkedherebychance?nevermind,isaidthedaybeforeyesterdaythatiwouldgoandseehimthedayafter;well,andsoiwill!besidesireallycannotgofurthernow.”

hewentuptorazumihin’sroomonthefifthfloor.

thelatterwasathomeinhisgarret,busilywritingatthemoment,andheopenedthedoorhimself.itwasfourmonthssincetheyhadseeneachother.razumihinwassittinginaeddressing-gown,withslippersonhisbarefeet,unkempt,unshavenandunwashed.hisfaceshowedsurprise.

“isityou?”hecried.helookedhiscomradeupanddown;thenafterabriefpause,hewhistled.“ashardupasallthat!why,brother,you’vecutmeout!”headded,lookingatraskolnikov’srags.“comesitdown,youaretired,i’llbebound.”

andwhenhehadsunkdownontheamericanleathersofa,whichwasinevenworseconditionthanhisown,razumihinsawatoncethathisvisitorwasill.

“why,youareseriouslyill,doyouknowthat?”hebeganfeelinghispulse.raskolnikovpulledawayhishand.

“nevermind,”hesaid,“ihavecomeforthis:ihavenolessons.…iwanted,…butidon’treallywantlessons.…”

“butisay!youaredelirious,youknow!”razumihinobserved,watchinghimcarefully.

“no,iamnot.”

raskolnikovgotupfromthesofa.ashehadmountedthestairstorazumihin’s,hehadnotrealisedthathewouldbemeetinghisfriendfacetoface.now,inaflash,heknew,thatwhathewasleastofalldisposedforatthatmomentwastobefacetofacewithanyoneinthewideworld.hisspleenrosewithinhim.healmostchokedwithrageathimselfassoonashecrossedrazumihin’sthreshold.

“good-bye,”hesaidabruptly,andwalkedtothedoor.

“stop,stop!youqueerfish.”

“idon’twantto,”saidtheother,againpullingawayhishand.

“thenwhythedevilhaveyoucome?areyoumad,orwhat?why,thisis…almostinsulting!iwon’tletyougolikethat.”

“well,then,icametoyoubecauseiknownoonebutyouwhocouldhelp…tobegin…becauseyouarekinderthananyone—cleverer,imean,andcanjudge…andnowiseethatiwantnothing.doyouhear?nothingatall…noone’sservices…noone’ssympathy.iambymyself…alone.come,that’senough.leavemealone.”