第40章

第40章whenhereachedtheturningintothestreet,inanagonyoftrepidationhelookeddownit…atthehouse…andatonceavertedhiseyes.

“iftheyquestionme,perhapsi’llsimplytell,”hethought,ashedrewnearthepolice-station.

thepolice-stationwasaboutaquarterofamileoff.ithadlatelybeenmovedtonewroomsonthefourthfloorofanewhouse.hehadbeenonceforamomentintheoldofficebutlongago.turninginatthegateway,hesawontherightaflightofstairswhichapeasantwasmountingwithabookinhishand.“ahouse-porter,nodoubt;sothen,theofficeishere,”andhebeganascendingthestairsonthechance.hedidnotwanttoaskquestionsofanyone.

“i’llgoin,fallonmyknees,andconfesseverything…”hethought,ashereachedthefourthfloor.

thestaircasewassteep,narrowandallsloppywithdirtywater.thekitchensoftheflatsopenedontothestairsandstoodopenalmostthewholeday.sotherewasafearfulsmellandheat.thestaircasewascrowdedwithportersgoingupanddownwiththeirbooksundertheirarms,policemen,andpersonsofallsortsandbothsexes.thedooroftheoffice,too,stoodwideopen.peasantsstoodwaitingwithin.there,too,theheatwasstiflingandtherewasasickeningsmelloffreshpaintandstaleoilfromthenewlydecoratedrooms.

afterwaitingalittle,hedecidedtomoveforwardintothenextroom.alltheroomsweresmallandlow-pitched.afearfulimpatiencedrewhimonandon.noonepaidattentiontohim.inthesecondroomsomeclerkssatwriting,dressedhardlybetterthanhewas,andratheraqueer-lookingset.hewentuptooneofthem.

“whatisit?”

heshowedthenoticehehadreceived.

“youareastudent?”themanasked,glancingatthenotice.

“yes,formerlyastudent.”

theclerklookedathim,butwithouttheslightestinterest.hewasaparticularlyunkemptpersonwiththelookofafixedideainhiseye.

“therewouldbenogettinganythingoutofhim,becausehehasnointerestinanything,”thoughtraskolnikov.

“gointheretotheheadclerk,”saidtheclerk,pointingtowardsthefurthestroom.

hewentintothatroom—thefourthinorder;itwasasmallroomandpackedfullofpeople,ratherbetterdressedthanintheouterrooms.amongthemweretwoladies.one,poorlydressedinmourning,satatthetableoppositethechiefclerk,writingsomethingathisdictation.theother,averystout,buxomwomanwithapurplish-red,blotchyface,excessivelysmartlydressedwithabroochonherbosomasbigasasaucer,wasstandingononeside,apparentlywaitingforsomething.raskolnikovthrusthisnoticeupontheheadclerk.thelatterglancedatit,said:“waitaminute,”andwentonattendingtotheladyinmourning.

hebreathedmorefreely.“itcan’tbethat!”

bydegreeshebegantoregainconfidence,hekepturginghimselftohavecourageandbecalm.

“somefoolishness,sometriflingcarelessness,andimaybetraymyself!hm…it’sapitythere’snoairhere,”headded,“it’sstifling.…itmakesone’sheaddizzierthanever…andone’smindtoo…”

hewasconsciousofaterribleinnerturmoil.hewasafraidoflosinghisself-control;hetriedtocatchatsomethingandfixhismindonit,somethingquiteirrelevant,buthecouldnoteedinthisatall.yettheheadclerkgreatlyinterestedhim,hekepthopingtoseethroughhimandguesssomethingfromhisface.

hewasaveryyoungman,abouttwoandtwenty,withadarkmobilefacethatlookedolderthanhisyears.hewasfashionablydressedandfoppish,withhishairpartedinthemiddle,wellcombedandpomaded,andworeanumberofringsonhiswell-scrubbedfingersandagoldchainonhiswaistcoat.hesaidacoupleofwordsinfrenchtoaforeignerwhowasintheroom,andsaidthemfairlycorrectly.

“luiseivanovna,youcansitdown,”hesaidcasuallytothegaily-dressed,purple-facedlady,whowasstillstandingasthoughnotventuringtositdown,thoughtherewasachairbesideher.

“ichdanke,”saidthelatter,andsoftly,witharustleofsilkshesankintothechair.herlightbluedresstrimmedwithwhitelacefloatedaboutthetablelikeanair-balloonandfilledalmosthalftheroom.shesmeltofscent.butshewasobviouslyembarrassedatfillinghalftheroomandsmellingsostronglyofscent;andthoughhersmilewasimpudentaswellascringing,itbetrayedevidentuneasiness.

theladyinmourninghaddoneatlast,andgotup.allatonce,withsomenoise,anofficerwalkedinveryjauntily,withapeculiarswingofhisshouldersateachstep.hetossedhiscockadedcaponthetableandsatdowninaneasy-chair.thesmallladypositivelyskippedfromherseatonseeinghim,andfelltocurtsyinginasortofecstasy;buttheofficertooknotthesmallestnoticeofher,andshedidnotventuretositdownagaininhispresence.hewastheassistantsuperintendent.hehadareddishmoustachethatstoodouthorizontallyoneachsideofhisface,andextremelysmallfeatures,expressiveofnothingmuchexceptacertaininsolence.helookedaskanceandratherindignantlyatraskolnikov;hewassoverybadlydressed,andinspiteofhishumiliatingposition,hisbearingwasbynomeansinkeepingwithhisclothes.raskolnikovhadunwarilyfixedaverylonganddirectlookonhim,sothathefeltpositivelyaffronted.

“whatdoyouwant?”heshouted,apparentlyastonishedthatsuchaedfellowwasnotannihilatedbythemajestyofhisglance.

“iwassummoned…byanotice…”raskolnikovfaltered.

“fortherecoveryofmoneydue,fromthestudent,”theheadclerkinterferedhurriedly,tearinghimselffromhispapers.“here!”andheflungraskolnikovadocumentandpointedouttheplace.“readthat!”

“money?whatmoney?”thoughtraskolnikov,“but…then…it’scertainlynotthat.”

andhetrembledwithjoy.hefeltsuddenintenseindescribablerelief.aloadwasliftedfromhisback.