第29章

第29章“well,listenthen.ontheotherside,freshyounglivesthrownawayforwantofhelpandbythousands,oneveryside!ahundredthousandgooddeedscouldbedoneandhelped,onthatoldwoman’smoneywhichwillbeburiedinamonastery!hundreds,thousandsperhaps,mightbesetontherightpath;dozensoffamiliessavedfromdestitution,fromruin,fromvice,fromthelockhospitals—andallwithhermoney.killher,takehermoneyandwiththehelpofitdevoteoneselftotheserviceofhumanityandthegoodofall.whatdoyouthink,wouldnotonetinycrimebewipedoutbythousandsofgooddeeds?foronelifethousandswouldbesavedfromcorruptionanddecay.onedeath,andahundredlivesinexchange—it’ssimplearithmetic!besides,whatvaluehasthelifeofthatsickly,stupid,ill-naturedoldwomaninthebalanceofexistence!nomorethanthelifeofalouse,ofablack-beetle,lessinfactbecausetheoldwomanisdoingharm.sheiswearingoutthelivesofothers;theotherdayshebitlizaveta’sfingeroutofspite;italmosthadtobeamputated.”

“ofcourseshedoesnotdeservetolive,”remarkedtheofficer,“butthereitis,it’snature.”

“oh,well,brother,butwehavetocorrectanddirectnature,and,butforthat,weshoulddrowninanoceanofprejudice.butforthat,therewouldneverhavebeenasinglegreatman.theytalkofduty,conscience—idon’twanttosayanythingagainstdutyandconscience;—butthepointis,whatdowemeanbythem.stay,ihaveanotherquestiontoaskyou.listen!”

“no,youstay,i’llaskyouaquestion.listen!”

“well?”

“youaretalkingandspeechifyingaway,buttellme,wouldyoukilltheoldwomanyourself?”

“ofcoursenot!iwasonlyarguingthejusticeofit.…it’snothingtodowithme.…”

“butithink,ifyouwouldnotdoityourself,there’snojusticeaboutit.…letushaveanothergame.”

raskolnikovwasviolentlyagitated.ofcourse,itwasallordinaryyouthfultalkandthought,suchashehadoftenheardbeforeindifferentformsandondifferentthemes.butwhyhadhehappenedtohearsuchadiscussionandsuchideasattheverymomentwhenhisownbrainwasjustconceiving…theverysameideas?andwhy,justatthemomentwhenhehadbroughtawaytheembryoofhisideafromtheoldwomanhadhedroppedatonceuponaconversationabouther?thiscoincidencealwaysseemedstrangetohim.thistrivialtalkinatavernhadanimmenseinfluenceonhiminhislateraction;asthoughtherehadreallybeeninitsomethingpreordained,someguidinghint.…

onreturningfromthehaymarketheflunghimselfonthesofaandsatforawholehourwithoutstirring.meanwhileitgotdark;hehadnocandleand,indeed,itdidnotoccurtohimtolightup.hecouldneverrecollectwhetherhehadbeenthinkingaboutanythingatthattime.atlasthewasconsciousofhisformerfeverandshivering,andherealisedwithreliefthathecouldliedownonthesofa.soonheavy,leadensleepcameoverhim,asitwerecrushinghim.

hesleptanextraordinarilylongtimeandwithoutdreaming.nastasya,comingintohisroomatteno’clockthenextmorning,haddifficultyinrousinghim.shebroughthiminteaandbread.theteawasagainthesecondbrewandagaininherowntea-pot.

“mygoodness,howhesleeps!”shecriedindignantly.“andheisalwaysasleep.”

hegotupwithaneffort.hisheadached,hestoodup,tookaturninhisgarretandsankbackonthesofaagain.

“goingtosleepagain,”criednastasya.“areyouill,eh?”

hemadenoreply.

“doyouwantsometea?”

“afterwards,”hesaidwithaneffort,closinghiseyesagainandturningtothewall.

nastasyastoodoverhim.

“perhapshereallyisill,”shesaid,turnedandwentout.shecameinagainattwoo’clockwithsoup.hewaslyingasbefore.theteastooduntouched.nastasyafeltpositivelyoffendedandbeganwrathfullyrousinghim.

“whyareyoulyinglikealog?”sheshouted,lookingathimwithrepulsion.

hegotup,andsatdownagain,butsaidnothingandstaredatthefloor.

“areyouillornot?”askednastasyaandagainreceivednoanswer.“you’dbettergooutandgetabreathofair,”shesaidafterapause.“willyoueatitornot?”

“afterwards,”hesaidweakly.“youcango.”

andhemotionedherout.

sheremainedalittlelonger,lookedathimwithcompassionandwentout.

afewminutesafterwards,heraisedhiseyesandlookedforalongwhileattheteaandthesoup.thenhetookthebread,tookupaspoonandbegantoeat.