第6章

第6章raskolnikovwentoutincompleteconfusion.thisconfusionbecamemoreandmoreintense.ashewentdownthestairs,heevenstoppedshort,twoorthreetimes,asthoughsuddenlystruckbysomethought.whenhewasinthestreethecriedout,“oh,god,howloathsomeitallis!andcani,canipossibly.…no,it’snonsense,it’srubbish!”headdedresolutely.“andhowcouldsuchanatrociousthingcomeintomyhead?whatfilthythingsmyheartiscapableof.yes,filthyaboveall,disgusting,loathsome,loathsome!—andforawholemonthi’vebeen.…”butnowords,noexclamations,couldexpresshisagitation.thefeelingofintenserepulsion,whichhadbeguntooppressandtorturehisheartwhilehewasonhiswaytotheoldwoman,hadbynowreachedsuchapitchandhadtakensuchadefiniteformthathedidnotknowwhattodowithhimselftoescapefromhiswretchedness.hewalkedalongthepavementlikeadrunkenman,regardlessofthepassers-by,andjostlingagainstthem,andonlycametohissenseswhenhewasinthenextstreet.lookinground,henoticedthathewasstandingclosetoatavernwhichwasenteredbystepsleadingfromthepavementtothebasement.atthatinstanttwodrunkenmencameoutatthedoor,andabusingandsupportingoneanother,theymountedthesteps.withoutstoppingtothink,raskolnikovwentdownthestepsatonce.tillthatmomenthehadneverbeenintoatavern,butnowhefeltgiddyandwastormentedbyaburningthirst.helongedforadrinkofcoldbeer,andattributedhissuddenweaknesstothewantoffood.hesatdownatastickylittletableinadarkanddirtycorner;orderedsomebeer,andeagerlydrankoffthefirstglassful.atoncehefelteasier;andhisthoughtsbecameclear.

“allthat’snonsense,”hesaidhopefully,“andthereisnothinginitalltoworryabout!it’ssimplyphysicalderangement.justaglassofbeer,apieceofdrybread—andinonemomentthebrainisstronger,themindisclearerandthewillisfirm!phew,howutterlypettyitallis!”

butinspiteofthisscornfulreflection,hewasbynowlookingcheerfulasthoughheweresuddenlysetfreefromaterribleburden:andhegazedroundinafriendlywayatthepeopleintheroom.butevenatthatmomenthehadadimforebodingthatthishappierframeofmindwasalsonotnormal.

therewerefewpeopleatthetimeinthetavern.besidesthetwodrunkenmenhehadmetonthesteps,agroupconsistingofaboutfivemenandagirlwithaconcertinahadgoneoutatthesametime.theirdeparturelefttheroomquietandratherempty.thepersonsstillinthetavernwereamanwhoappearedtobeanartisan,drunk,butnotextremelyso,sittingbeforeapotofbeer,andhiscompanion,ahuge,stoutmanwithagreybeard,inashortfull-skirtedcoat.hewasverydrunk:andhaddroppedasleeponthebench;everynowandthen,hebeganasthoughinhissleep,crackinghisfingers,withhisarmswideapartandtheupperpartofhisbodyboundingaboutonthebench,whilehehummedsomemeaninglessrefrain,tryingtorecallsomesuchlinesasthese:

“hiswifeayearhefondlyloved

hiswifea—ayearhe—fondlyloved.”

orsuddenlywakingupagain:

“walkingalongthecrowdedrow

hemettheoneheusedtoknow.”

butnoonesharedhisenjoyment:hissilentcompanionlookedwithpositivehostilityandmistrustatallthesemanifestations.therewasanothermanintheroomwholookedsomewhatlikearetiredgovernmentclerk.hewassittingapart,nowandthensippingfromhispotandlookingroundatthecompany.he,too,appearedtobeinsomeagitation.