CHAPTER35

robertjordanlayintherobebesidethegirlmariawhowasstillsleeping.helayonhissideturnedawayfromthegirlandhefeltherlongbodyagainsthisbackandthetouchofitnowwasjustanirony.you,you,heragedathimself.yes,you.youtoldyourselfthefirsttimeyousawhimthatwhenhewouldbefriendlywouldbewhenthetreacherywouldcome.youdamnedfool.youutterblasteddamnedfool.chuckallthat.that’snotwhatyouhavetodonow.

whatarethechancesthathehidthemorthrewthemaway?notsogood.besidesyou’dneverfindtheminthedark.hewouldhavekeptthem.hetooksomedynamite,too.oh,thedirty,vile,treacheroussod.thedirtyrottencrut.whycouldn’thehavejustmuckedoffandnothavetakentheexploderandthedetonators?whywasisuchanuttergoddamnedfoolastoleavethemwiththatbloodywoman?thesmart,treacherousuglybastard.thedirtycabron.

cutitoutandtakeiteasy,hetoldhimself.youhadtotakechancesandthatwasthebesttherewas.you’rejustmucked,hetoldhimself.you’remuckedforgoodandhigherthanakite.keepyourdamnedheadandgettheangeroutandstopthischeaplamentinglikeadamnedwailingwall.it’sgone.goddamnyou,it’sgone.ohdamnthedirtyswinetohell.youcanmuckyourwayoutofit.you’vegotto,youknowyou’vegottoblowitifyouhavetostandthereand—cutoutthatstuff,too.whydon’tyouaskyourgrandfather?

oh,muckmygrandfatherandmuckthiswholetreacherousmuck-facedmuckingcountryandeverymuckingspaniardinitoneithersideandtohellforever.muckthemtohelltogether,largo,prieto,asensio,miaja,rojo,allofthem.muckeveryoneofthemtodeathtohell.muckthewholetreachery-riddencountry.mucktheiregotismandtheirselfishnessandtheirselfishnessandtheiregotismandtheirconceitandtheirtreachery.muckthemtohellandalways.muckthembeforewedieforthem.muckthemafterwedieforthem.muckthemtodeathandhell.godmuckpablo.pabloisallofthem.godpitythespanishpeople.anyleadertheyhavewillmuckthem.onegoodman,pabloiglesias,intwothousandyearsandeverybodyelsemuckingthem.howdoweknowhowhewouldhavestoodupinthiswar?irememberwhenithoughtlargowaso.k.durrutiwasgoodandhisownpeopleshothimthereatthepuentedelosfranceses.shothimbecausehewantedthemtoattack.shothiminthegloriousdisciplineofindiscipline.thecowardlyswine.ohmuckthemalltohellandbedamned.andthatpablothatjustmuckedoffwithmyexploderandmyboxofdetonators.ohmuckhimtodeepesthell.butno.he’smuckedusinstead.theyalwaysmuckyouinstead,fromcortezandmenendezdeaviladowntomiaja.lookatwhatmiajadidtokleber.thebaldegotisticalswine.thestupidegg-headedbastard.muckalltheinsane,egotistical,treacherousswinethathavealwaysgovernedspainandruledherarmies.muckeverybodybutthepeopleandthenbedamnedcarefulwhattheyturnintowhentheyhavepower.

hisragebegantothinasheeratedmoreandmoreandspreadhisscornandcontemptsowidelyandunjustlythathecouldnolongerbelieveinithimself.ifthatweretruewhatareyouherefor?it’snottrueandyouknowit.lookatallthegoodones.lookatallthefineones.hecouldnotbeartobeunjust.hehatedinjusticeashehatedcrueltyandhelayinhisragethatblindedhisminduntilgraduallytheangerdieddownandthered,black,blinding,killingangerwasallgoneandhismindnowasquiet,empty-calmandsharp,cold-seeingasamanisafterhehashadsexualintercoursewithawomanthathedoesnotlove.

“andyou,youpoorrabbit,”heleanedoverandsaidtomaria,whosmiledinhersleepandmovedcloseagainsthim.“iwouldhavestrucktheethereawhilebackifthouhadspoken.whatananimalamanisinarage.”helayclosetothegirlnowwithhisarmsaroundherandhischinonhershoulderandlyingtherehefiguredoutexactlywhathewouldhavetodoandhowhewouldhavetodoit.

anditisn’tsobad,hethought.itreallyisn’tsobadatall.idon’tknowwhetheranyonehaseverdoneitbefore.buttherewillalwaysbepeoplewhowilldoitfromnowon,givenasimilarjam.ifwedoitandiftheyhearaboutit.iftheyhearaboutit,yes.iftheydonotjustwonderhowitwaswedidit.wearetooshortofpeoplebutthereisnosensetoworryaboutthat.iwilldothebridgewithwhatwehave.god,i’mgladigotoverbeingangry.itwaslikenotbeingabletobreatheinastorm.thatbeingangryisanotherdamnedluxuryyoucan’tafford.

“it’sallfiguredout,guapa,”hesaidsoftlyagainstmaria’sshoulder.“youhaven’tbeenbotheredbyanyofit.youhavenotknownaboutit.we’llbekilledbutwe’llblowthebridge.youhavenothadtoworryaboutit.thatisn’tmuchofaweddingpresent.butisnotagoodnight’ssleepsupposedtobepriceless?youhadagoodnight’ssleep.seeifyoucanwearthatlikearingonyourfinger.sleep,guapa.sleepwell,mybeloved.idonotwakethee.thatisallicandofortheenow.”

helaythereholdingherverylightly,feelingherbreatheandfeelingherheartbeat,andkeepingtrackofthetimeonhiswristwatch.