CHAPTER31

sonowtheywereintherobeagaintogetheranditwaslateinthelastnight.marialaycloseagainsthimandhefeltthelongsmoothnessofherthighsagainsthisandherbreastsliketwosmallhillsthatriseoutofthelongplainwherethereisawell,andthefarcountrybeyondthehillswasthevalleyofherthroatwherehislipswere.helayveryquietanddidnotthinkandshestrokedhisheadwithherhand.

“roberto,”mariasaidverysoftlyandkissedhim.“iamashamed.idonotwishtodisappointtheebutthereisagreatsorenessandmuchpain.idonotthinkiwouldbeanygoodtothee.”“thereisalwaysagreatsorenessandmuchpain,”hesaid.“nay,rabbit.thatisnothing.wewilldonothingthatmakespain.”

“itisnotthat.itisthatiamnotgoodtoreceivetheeasiwishto.”

“thatisofnoimportance.thatisapassingthing.wearetogetherwhenwelietogether.”

“yes,butiamashamed.ithinkitwasfromwhenthingsweredonetomethatitcomes.notfromtheeandme.”

“letusnottalkofthat.”

“nordoiwishto.imeanticouldnotbeartofailtheenowonthisnightandsoisoughttoexcusemyself.”

“listen,rabbit,”hesaid.“allsuchthingspassandthenthereisnoproblem.”buthethought;itwasnotgoodluckforthelastnight.

thenhewasashamedandsaid,“liecloseagainstme,rabbit.ilovetheeasmuchfeelingtheeagainstmeinhereinthedarkasilovetheemakinglove.”

“iamdeeplyashamedbecauseithoughtitmightbeagaintonightasitwasinthehighcountrywhenwecamedownfromelsordo’s.”

“quéva,”hesaidtoher.“thatisnotforeveryday.ilikeitthusaswellastheother.”helied,puttingasidedisappointment.“wewillbeheretogetherquietlyandwewillsleep.letustalktogether.iknowtheeverylittlefromtalking.”

“shouldwespeakoftomorrowandofthywork?iwouldliketobeintelligentaboutthywork.”

“no,”hesaidandrelaxedcompletelyintothelengthoftherobeandlaynowquietlywithhischeekagainsthershoulder,hisleftarmunderherhead.“themostintelligentisnottotalkabouttomorrownorwhathappenedtoday.inthiswedonotdiscussthelossesandwhatwemustdotomorrowwewilldo.thouartnotafraid?”

“quéva,”shesaid.“iamalwaysafraid.butnowiamafraidfortheesomuchidonotthinkofme.”

“thoumustnot,rabbit.ihavebeeninmanythings.andworsethanthis,”helied.

thensuddenlysurrenderingtosomething,totheluxuryofgoingintounreality,hesaid,“letustalkofmadridandofusinmadrid.”

“good,”shesaid.then,“oh,roberto,iamsorryihavefailedthee.istherenotsomeotherthingthaticandoforthee?”

hestrokedherheadandkissedherandthenlaycloseandrelaxedbesideher,listeningtothequietofthenight.

“thoucansttalkwithmeofmadrid,”hesaidandthought:i’llkeepanyoversupplyofthatfortomorrow.i’llneedallofthatthereistomorrow.therearenopineneedlesthatneedthatnowasiwillneedittomorrow.whowasitcasthisseeduponthegroundinthebible?onan.howdidonanturnout?hethought.idon’tremembereverhearinganymoreaboutonan.hesmiledinthedark.

thenhesurrenderedagainandlethimselfslipintoit,feelingavoluptuousnessofsurrenderintounrealitythatwaslikeasexualacceptanceofsomethingthatcouldcomeinthenightwhentherewasnounderstanding,onlythedelightofacceptance.

“mybeloved,”hesaid,andkissedher.“listen.theothernightiwasthinkingaboutmadridandithoughthowiwouldgetthereandleavetheeatthehotelwhileiwentuptoseepeopleatthehoteloftherussians.butthatwasfalse.iwouldnotleavetheeatanyhotel.”

“whynot?”

“becauseiwilltakecareofthee.iwillnoteverleavethee.iwillgowiththeetotheseguridadtogetpapers.theniwillgowiththeetobuythoseclothesthatareneeded.”

“theyarefew,andicanbuythem.”

“nay,theyaremanyandwewillgotogetherandbuygoodonesandthouwiltbebeautifulinthem.”

“iwouldratherwestayedintheroominthehotelandsentoutfortheclothes.whereisthehotel?”

“itisontheplazadelcallao.wewillbemuchinthatroominthathotel.thereisawidebedwithcleansheetsandthereishotrunningwaterinthebathtubandtherearetwoclosetsandiwillkeepmythingsinoneandthouwilttaketheother.andtherearetall,widewindowsthatopen,andoutside,inthestreets,thereisthespring.alsoiknowgoodplacestoeatthatareillegalbutwithgoodfood,andiknowshopswherethereisstillwineandwhiskey.andwewillkeepthingstoeatintheroomforwhenwearehungryandalsowhiskeyforwheniwishadrinkandiwillbuytheemanzanilla.”

“iwouldliketotrythewhiskey.”

“butsinceitisdifficulttoobtainandifthoulikestmanzanilla.”

“keepthywhiskey,roberto,”shesaid.“oh,ilovetheeverymuch.thouandthywhiskeythaticouldnothave.whatapigthouart.”

“nay,youshalltryit.butitisnotgoodforawoman.”

“andihaveonlyhadthingsthatweregoodforawoman,”mariasaid.“thenthereinbediwillstillwearmyweddingshirt?”

“nay.iwillbuytheevariousnightgownsandpajamastooifyoushouldpreferthem.”

“iwillbuysevenweddingshirts,”shesaid.“oneforeachdayoftheweek.andiwillbuyacleanweddingshirtforthee.dosteverwashthyshirt?”

“sometimes.”

“iwillkeepeverythingcleanandiwillpourthywhiskeyandputthewaterinitasitwasdoneatsordo’s.iwillobtainolivesandsaltedcodfishandhazelnutsfortheetoeatwhilethoudrinkestandwewillstayintheroomforamonthandneverleaveit.ifiamfittoreceivethee,”shesaid,suddenlyunhappy.

“thatisnothing,”robertjordantoldher.“trulyitisnothing.itispossiblethouwerthurtthereonceandnowthereisascarthatmakesafurtherhurting.suchathingispossible.allsuchthingspass.andalsotherearegooddoctorsinmadridifthereistrulyanything.”

“butallwasgoodbefore,”shesaidpleadingly.

“thatisthepromisethatallwillbegoodagain.”

“thenletustalkagainaboutmadrid.”shecurledherlegsbetweenhisandrubbedthetopofherheadagainsthisshoulder.“butwillinotbesouglytherewiththiscroppedheadthatthouwiltbeashamedofme?”

“nay.thouartlovely.thouhastalovelyfaceandabeautifulbody,longandlight,andthyskinissmoothandthecolorofburntgoldandeveryonewilltrytotaketheefromme.”

“quéva,takemefromthee,”shesaid.“noothermanwillevertouchmetillidie.takemefromthee!quéva.”

“butmanywilltry.thouwiltsee.”

“theywillseeilovetheesothattheywillknowitwouldbeasunsafeasputtingtheirhandsintoacauldronofmeltedleadtotouchme.butthou?whenthouseestbeautifulwomenofthesamecultureasthee?thouwiltnotbeashamedofme?”

“never.andiwillmarrythee.”

“ifyouwish,”shesaid.“butsincewenolongerhavethechurchidonotthinkitcarriesimportance.”

“iwouldlikeustobemarried.”

“ifyouwish.butlisten.ifwewereeverinanothercountrywheretherestillwasthechurchperhapswecouldbemarriedinitthere.”

“inmycountrytheystillhavethechurch,”hetoldher.“therewecanbemarriedinitifitmeansaughttothee.ihaveneverbeenmarried.thereisnoproblem.”

“iamgladthouhastneverbeenmarried,”shesaid.“butiamgladthouknowestaboutsuchthingsasyouhavetoldmeforthatmeansthouhastbeenwithmanywomenandthepilartoldmethatitisonlysuchmenwhoarepossibleforhusbands.butthouwiltnotrunwithotherwomennow?becauseitwouldkillme.”