CHAPTER7

hewasasleepintherobeandhehadbeenasleep,hethought,foralongtime.therobewasspreadontheforestfloorintheleeoftherocksbeyondthecavemouthandasheslept,heturned,andturningrolledonhispistolwhichwasfastenedbyalanyardtoonewristandhadbeenbyhissideunderthecoverwhenhewenttosleep,shoulderandbackweary,leg-tired,hismusclespulledwithtirednesssothatthegroundwassoft,andsimplystretchingintherobeagainsttheflannelliningwasvoluptuouswithfatigue.waking,hewonderedwherehewas,knew,andthenshiftedthepistolfromunderhissideandsettledhappilytostretchbackintosleep,hishandonthepillowofhisclothingthatwasbundledneatlyaroundhisrope-soledshoes.hehadonearmaroundthepillow.

thenhefeltherhandonhisshoulderandturnedquickly,hisrighthandholdingthepistolundertherobe.

“oh,itisthee,”hesaidanddroppingthepistolhereachedbotharmsupandpulledherdown.withhisarmsaroundherhecouldfeelhershivering.

“getin,”hesaidsoftly.“itiscoldoutthere.”“no.imustnot.”

“getin,”hesaid.“andwecantalkaboutitlater.”

shewastremblingandheheldherwristnowwithonehandandheldherlightlywiththeotherarm.shehadturnedherheadaway.

“getin,littlerabbit,”hesaidandkissedheronthebackoftheneck.

“iamafraid.”

“no.donotbeafraid.getin.”

“how?”

“justslipin.thereismuchroom.doyouwantmetohelpyou?”

“no,”shesaidandthenshewasintherobeandhewasholdinghertighttohimandtryingtokissherlipsandshewaspressingherfaceagainstthepillowofclothingbutholdingherarmsclosearoundhisneck.thenhefeltherarmsrelaxandshewasshiveringagainasheheldher.

“no,”hesaidandlaughed.“donotbeafraid.thatisthepistol.”

helifteditandslippeditbehindhim.

“iamashamed,”shesaid,herfaceawayfromhim.

“no.youmustnotbe.here.now.”

“no,imustnot.iamashamedandfrightened.”

“no.myrabbit.please.”

“imustnot.ifthoudostnotloveme.”

“ilovethee.”

“ilovethee.oh,ilovethee.putthyhandonmyhead,”shesaidawayfromhim,herfacestillinthepillow.heputhishandonherheadandstrokeditandthensuddenlyherfacewasawayfromthepillowandshewasinhisarms,pressedcloseagainsthim,andherfacewasagainsthisandshewascrying.

heheldherstillandclose,feelingthelonglengthoftheyoungbody,andhestrokedherheadandkissedthewetsaltinessofhereyes,andasshecriedhecouldfeeltherounded,firm-pointedbreaststouchingthroughtheshirtshewore.

“icannotkiss,”shesaid.“idonotknowhow.”

“thereisnoneedtokiss.”

“yes.imustkiss.imustdoeverything.”

“thereisnoneedtodoanything.weareallright.butthouhastmanyclothes.”

“whatshouldido?”

“iwillhelpyou.”

“isthatbetter?”

“yes.much.itisnotbettertothee?”

“yes.muchbetter.andicangowiththeeaspilarsaid?”

“yes.”

“butnottoahome.withthee.”

“no,toahome.”

“no.no.no.withtheeandiwillbethywoman.”

nowastheylayallthatbeforehadbeenshieldedwasunshielded.wheretherehadbeenroughnessoffabricallwassmoothwithasmoothnessandfirmroundedpressingandalongwarmcoolness,cooloutsideandwarmwithin,longandlightandcloselyholding,closelyheld,lonely,hollow-makingwithcontours,happymaking,youngandlovingandnowallwarmlysmoothwithahollowing,chest-aching,tight-heldlonelinessthatwassuchthatrobertjordanfelthecouldnotstanditandhesaid,“hastthoulovedothers?”

“never.”

thensuddenly,goingdeadinhisarms,“butthingsweredonetome.”

“bywhom?”

“byvarious.”

nowshelayperfectlyquietlyandasthoughherbodyweredeadandturnedherheadawayfromhim.

“nowyouwillnotloveme.”

“iloveyou,”hesaid.

butsomethinghadhappenedtohimandsheknewit.

“no,”shesaidandhervoicehadgonedeadandflat.“thouwiltnotloveme.butperhapsthouwilttakemetothehome.andiwillgotothehomeandiwillneverbethywomannoranything.”

“ilovethee,maria.”

“no.itisnottrue,”shesaid.thenasalastthingpitifullyandhopefully.

“butihaveneverkissedanyman.”

“thenkissmenow.”

“iwantedto,”shesaid.“butiknownothow.wherethingsweredonetomeifoughtuntilicouldnotsee.ifoughtuntil—until—untilonesatuponmyhead——andibithim—andthentheytiedmymouthandheldmyarmsbehindmyhead—andothersdidthingstome.”