CHAPTER26

itwasthreeo’clockintheafternoonbeforetheplanescame.thesnowhadallbeengonebynoonandtherockswerehotnowinthesun.therewerenocloudsintheskyandrobertjordansatintherockswithhisshirtoffbrowninghisbackinthesunandreadingthelettersthathadbeeninthepocketsofthedeadcavalryman.fromtimetotimehewouldstopreadingtolookacrosstheopenslopetothelineofthetimber,lookoverthehighcountryaboveandthenreturntotheletters.nomorecavalryhadappeared.atintervalstherewouldbethesoundofashotfromthedirectionofelsordo’scamp.butthefiringwasdesultory.

fromexamininghismilitarypapersheknewtheboywasfromtafallainnavarra,twenty-oneyearsold,unmarried,andthesonofablacksmith.hisregimentwasthenthcavalry,whichsurprisedrobertjordan,forhehadbelievedthatregimenttobeinthenorth.hewasacarlist,andhehadbeenwoundedatthefightingforirunatthestartofthewar.

i’veprobablyseenhimrunthroughthestreetsaheadofthebullsattheferiainpamplona,robertjordanthought.youneverkillanyonethatyouwanttokillinawar,hesaidtohimself.well,hardlyever,heamendedandwentonreadingtheletters.

thefirstlettershereadwereveryformal,verycarefullywrittenanddealtalmostentirelywithlocalhappenings.theywerefromhissisterandrobertjordanlearnedthateverythingwasallrightintafalla,thatfatherwaswell,thatmotherwasthesameasalwaysbutwithcertaincomplaintsaboutherback,thatshehopedhewaswellandnotintoogreatdangerandshewashappyhewasdoingawaywiththeredstoliberatespainfromthedominationofthemarxisthordes.thentherewasalistofthoseboysfromtafallawhohadbeenkilledorbadlywoundedsinceshewrotelast.shementionedtenwhowerekilled.thatisagreatmanyforatownthesizeoftafalla,robertjordanthought.

therewasquitealotofreligionintheletterandsheprayedtosaintanthony,totheblessedvirginofpilar,andtoothervirginstoprotecthimandshewantedhimnevertoforgetthathewasalsoprotectedbythesacredheartofjesusthatheworestill,shetrusted,atalltimesoverhisownheartwhereithadbeenproveninnumerable——thiswasunderlined——timestohavethepowerofstoppingbullets.shewasasalwayshislovingsisterconcha.

thisletterwasalittlestainedaroundtheedgesandrobertjordanputitcarefullybackwiththemilitarypapersandopenedaletterwithalessseverehandwriting.itwasfromtheboy’snovia,hisfiancée,anditwasquietly,formally,andcompletelyhystericalwithconcernforhissafety.robertjordanreaditthroughandthenputalltheletterstogetherwiththepapersintohishippocket.hedidnotwanttoreadtheotherletters.

iguessi’vedonemygooddeedfortoday,hesaidtohimself.iguessyouhaveallright,herepeated.

“whatarethoseyouwerereading?”primitivoaskedhim.

“thedocumentationandthelettersofthatrequetéweshotthismorning.doyouwanttoseeit?”“ican’tread,”primitivosaid.“wasthereanythinginteresting?”

“no,”robertjordantoldhim.“theyarepersonalletters.”

“howarethingsgoingwherehecamefrom?canyoutellfromtheletters?”

“theyseemtobegoingallright,”robertjordansaid.“therearemanylossesinhistown.”helookeddowntowheretheblindfortheautomaticriflehadbeenchangedalittleandimprovedafterthesnowmelted.itlookedconvincingenough.helookedoffacrossthecountry.

“fromwhattownishe?”primitivoasked.

“tafalla,”robertjordantoldhim.

allright,hesaidtohimself.i’msorry,ifthatdoesanygood.

itdoesn’t,hesaidtohimself.

allrightthen,dropit,hesaidtohimself.

allright,it’sdropped.

butitwouldnotdropthateasily.howmanyisthatyouhavekilled?heaskedhimself.idon’tknow.doyouthinkyouhavearighttokillanyone?no.butihaveto.howmanyofthoseyouhavekilledhavebeenrealfascists?veryfew.buttheyarealltheenemytowhoseforceweareopposingforce.butyoulikethepeopleofnavarrabetterthanthoseofanyotherpartofspain.yes.andyoukillthem.yes.ifyoudon’tbelieveitgodowntheretothecamp.don’tyouknowitiswrongtokill?yes.butyoudoit?yes.andyoustillbelieveabsolutelythatyourcauseisright?yes.

itisright,hetoldhimself,notreassuringly,butproudly.ibelieveinthepeopleandtheirrighttogovernthemselvesastheywish.butyoumustn’tbelieveinkilling,hetoldhimself.youmustdoitasanecessitybutyoumustnotbelieveinit.ifyoubelieveinitthewholethingiswrong.

buthowmanydoyousupposeyouhavekilled?idon’tknowbecauseiwon’tkeeptrack.butdoyouknow?yes.howmany?youcan’tbesurehowmany.blowingthetrainsyoukillmany.verymany.butyoucan’tbesure.butofthoseyouaresureof?morethantwenty.andofthosehowmanywererealfascists?twothatiamsureof.becauseihadtoshootthemwhenwetookthemprisonersatusera.andyoudidnotmindthat?no.nordidyoulikeit?no.idecidednevertodoitagain.ihaveavoidedit.ihaveavoidedkillingthosewhoareunarmed.

listen,hetoldhimself.youbettercutthisout.thisisverybadforyouandforyourwork.thenhimselfsaidbacktohim,youlisten,see?becauseyouaredoingsomethingveryseriousandihavetoseeyouunderstanditallthetime.ihavetokeepyoustraightinyourhead.becauseifyouarenotabsolutelystraightinyourheadyouhavenorighttodothethingsyoudoforallofthemarecrimesandnomanhasarighttotakeanotherman’slifeunlessitistopreventsomethingworsehappeningtootherpeople.sogetitstraightanddonotlietoyourself.

butiwon’tkeepacountofpeopleihavekilledasthoughitwereatrophyrecordoradisgustingbusinesslikenotchesinagun,hetoldhimself.ihavearighttonotkeepcountandihavearighttoforgetthem.

no,himselfsaid.youhavenorighttoforgetanything.youhavenorighttoshutyoureyestoanyofitnoranyrighttoforgetanyofitnortosoftenitnortochangeit.

shutup,hetoldhimself.you’regettingawfullypompous.

norevertodeceiveyourselfaboutit,himselfwenton.

allright,hetoldhimself.thanksforallthegoodadviceandisitallrightformetolovemaria?

yes,himselfsaid.

evenifthereisn’tsupposedtobeanysuchthingasloveinapurelymaterialisticconceptionofsociety?

sincewhendidyoueverhaveanysuchconception?himselfasked.never.andyounevercouldhave.you’renotarealmarxistandyouknowit.youbelieveinliberty,equalityandfraternity.youbelieveinlife,libertyandthepursuitofhappiness.don’teverkidyourselfwithtoomuchdialectics.theyareforsomebutnotforyou.youhavetoknowtheminordernottobeasucker.youhaveputmanythingsinabeyancetowinawar.ifthiswarislostallofthosethingsarelost.

butafterwardsyoucandiscardwhatyoudonotbelievein.thereisplentyyoudonotbelieveinandplentythatyoudobelievein.

andanotherthing.don’teverkidyourselfaboutlovingsomeone.itisjustthatmostpeoplearenotluckyenoughevertohaveit.youneverhaditbeforeandnowyouhaveit.whatyouhavewithmaria,whetheritlastsjustthroughtodayandapartoftomorrow,orwhetheritlastsforalonglifeisthemostimportantthingthatcanhappentoahumanbeing.therewillalwaysbepeoplewhosayitdoesnotexistbecausetheycannothaveit.butitellyouitistrueandthatyouhaveitandthatyouareluckyevenifyoudietomorrow.

cutoutthedyingstuff,hesaidtohimself.that’snotthewaywetalk.that’sthewayourfriendstheanarchiststalk.wheneverthingsgetreallybadtheywanttosetfiretosomethingandtodie.it’saveryoddkindofmindtheyhave.veryodd.well,we’regettingthroughtoday,oldtimer,hetoldhimself.it’snearlythreeo’clocknowandthereisgoingtobesomefoodsoonerorlater.theyarestillshootingupatsordo’s,whichmeansthattheyhavehimsurroundedandarewaitingtobringupmorepeople,probably.thoughtheyhavetomakeitbeforedark.

iwonderwhatitislikeupatsordo’s.that’swhatweallhavetoexpect,givenenoughtime.iimagineitisnottoojovialupatsordo’s.wecertainlygotsordointoafinejamwiththathorsebusiness.howdoesitgoinspanish?uncallejonsinsalida.apassagewaywithnoexit.isupposeicouldgothroughwithitallright.youonlyhavetodoitonceanditissoonoverwith.butwouldn’titbeluxurytofightinawarsometimewhere,whenyouweresurrounded,youcouldsurrender?estamoscopados.wearesurrounded.thatwasthegreatpaniccryofthiswar.thenthenextthingwasthatyouwereshot;withnothingbadbeforeifyouwerelucky.sordowouldn’tbeluckythatway.neitherwouldtheywhenthetimeevercame.

itwasthreeo’clock.thenheheardthefar-off,distantthrobbingand,lookingup,hesawtheplanes.