第665章

第665章thejoyfulsenseoffreedom—thatfull,inalienablefreedominherentinman,ofwhichhehadfirsthadaconsciousnessatthefirsthalting-placeoutsidemoscow—filledpierre’ssoulduringhisconvalescence.hewassurprisedthatthisinnerfreedom,independentasitwasofallexternalcircumstances,wasnowasitweredeckedoutinaluxury,asuperfluityofexternalfreedom.hewasaloneinastrangetownwithoutacquaintances.noonemadeanydemandsonhim;noonesenthimanywhere.hehadallhewanted;thethoughtofhiswife,thathadinolddaysbeenacontinualtorturetohim,wasnomore,sincesheherselfwasnomore.

“ah,howhappyiam！howsplendiditis！”hesaidtohimself,whenacleanlycoveredtablewasmoveduptohim,withsavoury-smellingbroth,orwhenhegotintohissoft,cleanbedatnight,orwhenthethoughtstruckhimthathiswifeandthefrenchwerenomore.“ah,howgooditis！howsplendid！”andfromoldhabitheaskedhimselfthequestion,“well,andwhatthen？whatamigoingtodo？”andatonceheansweredhimself：“iamgoingtolive.ah,howsplendiditis！”

whathadworriedhiminolddays,whathehadalwaysbeenseekingtosolve,thequestionoftheobjectoflife,didnotexistforhimnow.thatseekingforanobjectinlifewasoverforhimnow;anditwasnotfortuitouslyortemporarilythatitwasover.hefeltthattherewasnosuchobject,andcouldnotbe.anditwasjusttheabsenceofanobjectthatgavehimthatcompleteandjoyfulsenseoffreedomthatatthistimemadehishappiness.

hecouldseeknoobjectinlifenow,becausenowhehadfaith—notfaithinanysortofprinciples,orwords,orideas,butfaithinaliving,ever-palpablegod.inolddayshehadsoughthimintheaimshesetbeforehimself.thatsearchforanobjectinlifehadbeenonlyaseekingaftergod;andallatonceinhiscaptivityhehadcometoknow,notthroughwordsorarguments,butbyhisownimmediatefeeling,whathisoldnursehadtoldhimlongbefore;thatgodishere,andeverywhere.inhiscaptivityhehadcometoseethatthegodinkarataevwasgrander,moreinfinite,andmoreunfathomablethanthearchitectoftheuniverserecognisedbythemasons.hefeltlikeamanwhofindswhathehassoughtathisfeet,whenhehasbeenstraininghiseyestoseekitinthedistance.allhislifehehadbeenlookingfarawayovertheheadsofallaroundhim,whileheneednothavestrainedhiseyes,buthadonlytolookinfrontofhim.

inolddayshehadbeenunabletoseethegreat,theunfathomable,andtheinfiniteinanything.hehadonlyfeltthatitmustbesomewhere,andhadbeenseekingit.ineverythingnearandcomprehensible,hehadseenonlywhatwaslimited,petty,everyday,andmeaningless.hehadarmedhimselfwiththetelescopeofintellect,andgazedfarawayintothedistance,wherethatpetty,everydayworld,hiddeninthemistsofdistance,hadseemedtohimgreatandinfinite,simplybecauseitwasnotclearlyseen.suchhadbeeneuropeanlife,politics,freemasonry,philosophy,andphilanthropyinhiseyes.buteventhen,inmomentswhichhehadlookedonastimesofweakness,histhoughthadpenetratedeventotheseremoteobjects,andthenhehadseeninthemthesamepettiness,thesameordinarinessandmeaninglessness.

nowhehadlearnttoseethegreat,theeternal,andtheinfiniteineverything;andnaturallytherefore,inordertoseeit,torevelinitscontemplation,heflungasidethetelescopethroughwhichhehadhithertobeengazingovermen’sheads,andlookedjoyfullyattheever-changing,evergrand,unfathomable,andinfinitelifearoundhim.andthecloserhelookedatit,thecalmerandhappierhewas.theterriblequestionthathadshatteredallhisintellectualedificesinolddays,thequestion：whatfor？hadnoexistenceforhimnow.tothatquestion,whatfor？hehadnowalwaysreadyinhissoulthesimpleanswer：becausethereisagod,thatgodwithoutwhomnotonehairofaman’sheadfalls.