第549章

第549章“yes,love（hethoughtagainwithperfectdistinctness）,butnotthatlovethatlovesforsomething,togainsomething,orbecauseofsomething,butthatlovethatifeltforthefirsttime,whendying,isawmyenemyandyetlovedhim.iknewthatfeelingoflovewhichistheveryessenceofthesoul,forwhichnoobjectisneeded.andiknowthatblissfulfeelingnowtoo.toloveone’sneighbours;toloveone’senemies.toloveeverything—tolovegodinallhismanifestations.someonedeartoonecanbelovedwithhumanlove;butanenemycanonlybelovedwithdivinelove.andthatwaswhyifeltsuchjoywhenifeltthatilovedthatman.whathappenedtohim？ishealive？…lovingwithhumanlove,onemaypassfromlovetohatred;butdivinelovecannotchange.nothing,notevendeath,nothingcanshatterit.itistheverynatureofthesoul.andhowmanypeopleihavehatedinmylife.andofallpeoplenoneihavelovedandhatedmorethanher.”andhevividlypicturednatashatohimself,notashehadpicturedherinthepast,onlywiththecharmthathadbeenajoytohim;forthefirsttimehepicturedtohimselfhersoul.andheunderstoodherfeeling,hersufferings,hershame,andherpenitence.now,forthefirsttime,hefeltallthecrueltyofhisabandonment,sawallthecrueltyofhisrupturewithher.“ifitwereonlypossibleformetoseeheroncemore…once,lookingintothoseeyes,tosay…”

piti-piti-pitiiti-ti,ipiti-piti—boom,theflyflapped…andhisattentionpassedallatonceintoanotherworldofrealityanddelirium,inwhichsomethingpeculiarwastakingplace.inthatplacetheedificewasstillrising,unshattered;somethingwasstillstretchingout,thecandlewasstillburning,witharedringroundit;thesameshirt-sphinxstilllaybythedoor.butbesideallthis,somethingcreaked,therewasawhiffoffreshair,andanewwhitesphinxappearedstandingbeforethedoorway.andthatsphinxhadthewhitefaceandshiningeyesofthatverynatashahehadbeendreamingofjustnow.

“oh,howwearisomethiseverlastingdeliriumis！”thoughtprinceandrey,tryingtodispelthatfacefromhisvision.butthatfacestoodbeforehimwiththefaceofreality,andthatfacewascomingcloser.princeandreytriedtogobacktotheworldofpurethought,buthecouldnot,andhewasdrawnbackintotherealmofdelirium.thesoftmurmuringvoicekeptupitsrhythmicwhisper,somethingwasoppressinghim,andrisingup,andthestrangefacestoodbeforehim.princeandreyralliedallhisforcestoregainhissenses;hestirredalittle,andsuddenlytherewasaringinginhisearsandadimnessbeforehiseyes,andlikeamansinkingunderwater,helostconsciousness.

whenhecametohimself,natasha,theverylivingnatasha,whomofallpeopleintheworldhemostlongedtolovewiththatnew,pure,divinelovethathadnowbeenrevealedtohim,wasonherkneesbeforehim.heknewthatitwasthereal,livingnatasha,anddidnotwonder,butquietlyrejoiced.natasha,onherknees,interror,butwithoutmoving（shecouldnothavemoved）,gazedathim,restraininghersobs.herfacewaswhiteandrigid.therewasonlyasortofquiverinthelowerpartofit.

princeandreydrewasighofrelief,smiled,andheldouthishand.

“you？”hesaid.“whathappiness！”

withaswiftbutcircumspectmovement,natashacamenearer,stillkneeling,andcarefullytakinghishandshebentherfaceoveritandbegankissingit,softlytouchingitwithherlips.

“forgiveme！”shesaidinawhisper,liftingherheadandglancingathim.“forgiveme！”

“iloveyou,”saidprinceandrey.

“forgive…”

“forgivewhat？”askedprinceandrey.

“forgivemeforwhatidi…id,”natashamurmuredinahardlyaudible,brokenwhisper,andagainandagainshesoftlyputherlipstohishand.

“ilovetheemore,betterthanbefore,”saidprinceandrey,liftingherfacewithhishandsothathecouldlookintohereyes.

thoseeyes,swimmingwithhappytears,gazedathimwithtimidcommiserationandjoyfullove.natasha’sthin,paleface,withitsswollenlips,wasmorethanugly—itlookedterrible.butprinceandreydidnotseeherface,hesawtheshiningeyes,whichwerebeautiful.theyheardtalkbehindthem.

pyotr,thevalet,bynowwideawake,hadwakedupthedoctor.timohin,whohadnotsleptallnightforthepaininhisleg,hadbeenlongwatchingallthatwashappening,andhuddleduponhisbench,carefullywrappinghisbarepersonupinthesheet.

“why,what’sthis？”saidthedoctor,gettingupfromhisbedonthefloor.“kindlyretire,madame.”

atthatmomenttherewasaknockatthedoor;amaidhadbeensentbythecountessinsearchofherdaughter.

likeasleep-walkerawakenedinthemidstofhertrance,natashawalkedoutoftheroom,andgettingbacktoherhut,sanksobbingonherbed.

fromthatdayatallthehaltsandresting-placesontheremainderoftherostovs’journey,natashaneverleftbolkonsky’sside,andthedoctorwasforcedtoadmitthathehadnotexpectedfromayounggirlsomuchfortitude,norskillinnursingawoundedman.

terribleasitwastothecountesstothinkthatprinceandreymight（andveryprobably,too,fromwhatthedoctorsaid）dieontheroadinherdaughter’sarms,shecouldnotresistnatasha.althoughwiththerenewalofaffectionaterelationsbetweenprinceandreyandnatashatheideadidoccurthatincaseherecoveredtheiroldengagementwouldberenewed,noone—leastofallnatashaandprinceandrey—spokeofthis.theunsettledquestionoflifeanddeathhanging,notonlyoverprinceandrey,butoverallrussia,shutoffallotherconsiderations.