第424章

第424章strangeasitwasfortheprincesstoownittoherself,shehadthisfeelinginherheart.andwhatwasstillmorehorribletoprincessmaryawasthefactthateversinceherfather’sillness（ifnotevenbefore,whensheresolvedtostaywithhim,invagueexpectationofsomething）alltheforgottenhopesanddesiresslumberingwithinherheadawakened.ideasthathadnotenteredherheadforyears—dreamsofalifefreefromtheterrorofherfather,evenofthepossibilityofloveandahappymarriedlife,hauntedherimaginationliketemptationsofthedevil.invainshetriedtodriveawaythethought;questionswerecontinuallyinhermindhowshewouldorderherlifenow,afterthis.itwasatemptationofthedevil,andprincessmaryaknewit.sheknewthatthesoleweaponofavailagainsthimwasprayer,andshestrovetopray.shethrewherselfintotheattitudeofprayer,gazedattheholypictures,repeatedthewordsoftheprayer,butstillshecouldnotpray.shefeltherselfcarriedoffintoanewworldofreallife,oflabourandfreeactivity,utterlyopposedtothemoralatmosphereinwhichshehadbeenkeptinbondageandinwhichtheoneconsolationwasprayer.shecouldnotprayandcouldnotweep,andpracticalcaresabsorbedhermind.

toremainatbogutcharovowasbecomingunsafe.rumourscamefromallsidesofthefrenchbeingnear,andinonevillage,fifteenverstsfrombogutcharovo,ahousehadbeensackedbyfrenchmarauders.thedoctorinsistedonthenecessityofmovingtheprince;themarshaloftheprovincesentanofficialtoprincessmaryatopersuadehertogetawayasquicklyaspossible.thecaptainofthepolicevisitedbogutcharovotoinsistonthesamething,tellingherthatthefrenchwereonlyfortyverstsaway;thatfrenchproclamationswerecirculatinginthevillages,andthatiftheprincessdidnotmoveherfatherbeforethe15th,hecouldnotanswerfortheconsequences.

theprincessmadeuphermindtoleaveonthe15th.thepreparationsandgivingallthenecessaryinstructions,forwhicheveryoneappliedtoher,keptherbusythewholeofthepreviousday.thenightofthe14thshespentasusual,withoutundressing,intheroomnexttotheonewheretheoldprincelay.severaltimesshewakedup,hearinghisgroaningandmuttering,thecreakofthebedstead,andthestepsoftihonandthedoctormovinghim.severaltimesshelistenedatthedoor,anditseemedtoherthathewasmutteringmoreloudlythanusualandturningmorerestlessly.shecouldnotsleep,andseveraltimesshewenttothedoor,listening,temptedtogoin,butunabletomakeuphermindtodoso.althoughhecouldnotspeak,princessmaryasawandknewhowhedislikedanyexpressionofanxietyabouthim.shehadnoticedhowheturnedindispleasureawayfromhereyes,whichweresometimesunconsciouslyfixedpersistentlyonhim.sheknewhergoinginatnight,atanunusualtime,wouldirritatehim.

butneverhadshefeltsosorryforhim;neverhadshefeltitsodreadfultolosehim.shewentoverallherlifewithhim,andineveryword,everyaction,shesawanexpressionofhisloveforher.occasionallythesereminiscenceswereinterruptedbythetemptationofthedevil;dreamscamebacktoherimaginationofwhatwouldhappenafterhisdeath,andhowshewouldorderhernewindependentexistence.butshedroveawaysuchthoughtswithhorror.towardsmorninghewasquieter,andshefellasleep.

shewakeduplate.theperfectsincerity,whichoftenaccompaniesthemomentofwaking,showedherunmistakablywhatitwasthatwasofmostinteresttoherinherfather’sillness.shewakedup,listenedtowhatwaspassingthroughthedoor,andcatchingthesoundofhismuttering,shetoldherselfwithasighthattherewasnochange.

“butwhatshouldtherebe？whatdidihopefor？ihopeforhisdeath,”shecried,withinwardloathingofherself.

shewashed,dressed,saidherprayers,andwentoutontothesteps.attheentrancethecarriagesinwhichtheiragewaspackedwerestandingwithouthorses.

themorningwaswarmandgrey.princessmaryalingeredonthesteps,stillhorrifiedatherownspiritualinfamy,andtryingtogetherideasintoshapebeforegoingintoseehim.

thedoctorcamedownstairsandouttoher.

“heisalittlebetterto-day,”saidthedoctor.“iwaslookingforyou.onecanmakeoutalittleofwhathesays.hisheadisclearer.comein.heisaskingforyou…”

princessmarya’sheartbeatsoviolentlyatthisnewsthatsheturnedpaleandleanedagainstthedoortokeepfromfalling.toseehim,totalktohim,tobeunderhiseyesnow,whenallhersoulwasfilledwiththesefearful,sinfulimaginingswasfullofanagonisingjoyandterrorforher.

“letusgoin,”saidthedoctor.

princessmaryawentintoherfather,andwentuptohisbedside.hewaslyingraisedhighonhisback;hislittlebonyhands,coveredwithknottedpurpleveins,werelaidonthequilt;hislefteyewasgazingstraightbeforehim,whiletherighteyewasdistorted,andhislipsandeyebrowsweremotionless.helookedsothin,sosmall,andpitiable.hisfacelookedwitheredupormeltedaway;hisfeaturesallseemedsmaller.princessmaryawentupandkissedhishand.hislefthandclaspedherhandinawaythatshowedhehadlongbeenwantingher.hetwitchedherhand,andhiseyebrowsandlipsquiveredangrily.

shelookedathimindismay,tryingtofathomwhathewantedofher.whenshechangedherpositionsothathislefteyecouldseeher,heseemedsatisfied,andforseveralsecondskepthiseyefixedonher.thenhislipsandtonguetwitched;soundscame,andhetriedtospeak,lookingwithimploringtimidityather,evidentlyafraidshewouldnotunderstandhim.