第314章

第314章inmomentsofpride,whenhewasreviewinghisposition,itseemedtohimthathewasquitedifferent,distinguishedinsomewayfromtheretiredkammerherrshehadlookeduponwithcontemptinthepast;thattheywerevulgarandstupid,ateaseandsatisfiedwiththeirposition,“whileiamevennowstilldissatisfied;istilllongtodosomethingforhumanity,”hewouldassurehimselfinmomentsofpride.“butpossiblyallofthemtoo,myfellows,ledjustasido,triedaftersomethingnew,soughtapathinlifeforthemselves,andhavebeenbroughttothesamepointasihavebytheforceofsurroundings,ofsociety,offamily,thatelementalforceagainstwhichmanispowerless,”hesaidtohimselfinmomentsofmodesty.andafterspendingsometimeinmoscowhenolongerscornedhiscompanionsindestiny,butbeganeventolovethem,respectthem,andpitythemlikehimself.

pierrenolongersufferedfrommomentsofdespair,melancholy,andloathingforlifeashehaddone.butthesamemaladythathadmanifesteditselfinacuteattacksinformerdayswasdriveninwardsandnevernowlefthimforaninstant.“whatfor？what’stheuse？whatisitisgoingonintheworld？”heaskedhimselfinperplexityseveraltimesaday,instinctivelybeginningtosoundthehiddensignificanceinthephenomenaoflife.butknowingbyexperiencethattherewasnoanswertothesequestions,hemadehastetotryandturnawayfromthem,tookupabook,orhurriedofftotheclub,ortoapollonnikolaevitch’stochatoverthescandalsofthetown.

“elenavassilyevna,whohasnevercaredforanythingbutherownbody,andisoneofthestupidestwomenintheworld,”pierrethought,“isregardedbypeopleastheacmeofwitandrefinement,andistheobjectoftheirhomage.napoleonbonapartewasdespisedbyeveryonewhilehewasreallygreat,andsincehebecameapitifulbuffoontheemperorfrancisseekstoofferhimhisdaughterinanillegalmarriage.thespaniards,throughtheircatholicchurch,returnthankstogodfortheirvictoryoverthefrenchonthe14thofjune,andthefrench,throughthesamecatholicchurch,returnthankstogodfortheirvictoryoverthespaniardsonthesame14thofjune.mymasonicbrothersswearinbloodthattheyarereadytosacrificeallfortheirneighbour,buttheydon’tgiveasmuchasoneroubletothecollectionsforthepoor,andtheyintriguebetweenastraeaandthemanna-seekers,andareinafermentabouttheauthenticscottishrug,andanact,ofwhichthemanwhowroteitdidnotknowthemeaningandnoonehasanyneed.weallprofessthechristianlawofforgivenessofsinsandloveforone’sneighbour—thelaw,inhonourofwhichwehaveraisedfortytimesfortychurchesinmoscow—butyesterdayweknoutedtodeathadeserter;andtheministerofthatsamelawofloveandforgiveness,thepriest,gavethesoldierthecrosstokissbeforehispunishment.”

suchwerepierre’sreflections,andallthisuniversaldeceptionrecognisedbyall,usedashewastoseeingit,wasalwaysastoundinghim,asthoughitweresomethingnew.“iunderstandthisdeceitandtangleofcross-purposes,”hethought,“butnowamitotellthemalliunderstand？ihavetriedandalwaysfoundthattheyunderstooditasidid,atthebottomoftheirhearts,butwereonlytryingnottoseeit.soisupposeitmustbeso！butme—whatrefugeisthereforme？”thoughtpierre.

hesufferedfromanunluckyfaculty—commontomanymen,especiallyrussians—thefacultyofseeingandbelievinginthepossibilityofgoodandtruth,andatthesametimeseeingtooclearlytheevilandfalsityoflifetobecapableoftakingaseriouspartinit.everysphereofactivitywasinhiseyesconnectedwithevilanddeception.whateverhetriedtobe,whateverhetookup,evilandfalsitydrovehimbackagainandcuthimofffromeveryfieldofenergy.andmeanwhilehehadtolive,hehadtobeoccupied.itwastooawfultolieundertheburdenofthoseinsolubleproblemsoflife,andheabandonedhimselftothefirstdistractionthatoffered,simplytoforgetthem.hevisitedeverypossiblesociety,drankagreatdeal,wentinforbuyingpictures,building,andaboveallreading.

hereadandre-readeverythinghecameacross.ongettinghomehewouldtakeupabook,evenwhilehisvaletswereundressinghim,andreadhimselftosleep;andfromsleepturnedatoncetogossipinthedrawing-roomsandtheclub;fromgossiptocarousalsandwomen;fromdissipationbackagaintogossip,reading,andwine.winewasmoreandmorebecomingaphysicalnecessitytohim,andatthesametimeamoralnecessity.althoughthedoctorstoldhimthatinviewofhiscorpulencewinewasinjurioustohim,hedrankaverygreatdeal.heneverfeltquitecontentexceptwhenhehad,almostunconsciously,liftedseveralglassesofwinetohisbigmouth.thenhefeltagreeablywarmalloverhisbody,amiablydisposedtowardsallhisfellows,andmentallyreadytorespondsuperficiallytoeveryidea,withoutgoingtoodeeplyintoit.itwasonlyafterdrinkingabottleortwoofwinethathefeltvaguelythattheterribletangledskeinoflifewhichhadterrifiedhimsobeforewasnotsoterribleashehadfancied.withabuzzinginhishead,chatting,listeningtotalkorreadingafterdinnerandsupper,heinvariablysawthattangledskeinonsomeoneofitssides.itwasonlyundertheinfluenceofwinethathesaidtohimself：“nevermind.i’lldisentangleitall;hereihaveasolutionallready.butnow’snotthetime.i’llgointoallthatlateron！”butthatlateronnevercame.

inthemorning,beforebreakfast,alltheoldquestionslookedasinsolubleandfearfulasever,andpierrehurriedlysnatchedupabookandrejoicedwhenanyonecameintoseehim.

sometimespierrerememberedwhathehadbeentoldofsoldiersunderfireinambuscadewhentheyhavenothingtodo,howtheytryhardtofindoccupationsoastobeartheirdangermoreeasily.andpierrepicturedallmenassuchsoldierstryingtofindarefugefromlife：someinambition,someincards,someinframinglaws,someinwomen,someinplaythings,someinhorses,someinpolitics,someinsport,someinwine,someinthegovernmentservice.“nothingistrivial,nothingisimportant,everythingisthesame;onlytoescapefromitasbestonecan,”thoughtpierre.“onlynottoseeit,thatterribleit.”