第301章

第301章thecountesswrotedirectlytomadamekaragininmoscow,estingtoherthemarriageofherdaughtertoherownson,andreceivedafavourablereplyfromher.madamekaraginrepliedthatshewasquitereadyforherparttoconsenttothematch,buteverythingmustdependonherdaughter’sinclinations.madamekaragininvitednikolaytocometomoscow.severaltimesthecountess,withtearsinhereyes,hadtoldhersonthatnowthatbothherdaughtersweresettled,heronlywishwastoseehimmarried.shesaidthatshecouldrestquietlyinhergraveifthisweresettled.thenshewouldsaythatshehadanexcellentgirlinhereye,andwouldtryandgetfromhimhisviewsonmatrimony.

onotheroccasionsshepraisedjulieandadvisednikolaytogotomoscowfortheholidaystoamusehimselfalittle.nikolayguessedwhathismother’shintswereaimingat,andononesuchoccasionheforcedhertocompletefrankness.shetoldhimplainlythatallhopeofimprovingtheirpositionrestednowonhismarryingjuliekaragin.

“what,ifilovedagirlwithnofortunewouldyoureallydesireme,mamma,tosacrificemyfeelingandmyhonourforthesakeofmoney？”heaskedhismother,withnonotionofthecrueltyofhisquestion,butsimplywishingtoshowhisnoblesentiments.

“no;youmisunderstandme,”saidhismother,notknowinghowtoretrievehermistake.“youmisunderstandme,nikolenka.itisyourhappinessiwishfor,”sheadded,andshefeltshewasspeakingfalsely,thatshewasblundering.sheburstintotears.

“mamma,don’tcry,andonlytellmethatyouwishit,andyouknowthatiwouldgivemywholelife,everythingforyourpeaceofmind,”saidnikolay;“iwillsacrificeeverythingforyou,evenmyfeelings.”

butthecountessdidnotwantthequestionputlikethat;shedidnotwanttoreceivesacrificesfromherson,shewouldhavelikedtosacrificeherselftohim.

“no;youdon’tunderstandme,don’tletustalkofit,”shesaid,wipingawayhertears.

“yes,perhapsireallydoloveapoorgirl,”nikolaysaidtohimself;“what,amitosacrificemyfeelingandmyhonourforfortune？iwonderhowmammacouldsaysuchathing.becausesonyaispoorimustnotloveher,”hethought;“imustnotrespondtoherfaithful,devotedlove.anditiscertainishouldbehappierwithherthanwithanydollofajulie.tosacrificemyfeelingsforthewelfareofmyfamilyicanalwaysdo,”hesaidtohimself,“butican’tcontrolmyfeelings.ifilovesonya,thatfeelingismorethananythingandaboveanythingforme.”

nikolaydidnotgotomoscow,thecountessdidnotrenewherconversationswithhimaboutmatrimony,andwithgrief,andsometimeswithexasperation,sawsymptomsofagrowingattachmentbetweenhersonandtheportionlesssonya.sheblamedherselfforit,yetcouldnotrefrainfromscoldingandupbraidingsonya,oftenreprovingherwithoutcauseandaddressingheras“mygoodgirl.”whatirritatedthekind-heartedcountessmorethananythingwasthatthispoor,dark-eyedniecewassomeek,sogood,sodevoutlygratefultoherbenefactors,andsotruly,soconstantly,andsounselfishlyinlovewithnikolaythatitwasimpossibletofindanyfaultwithher.

nikolaywentonspendinghistermofleavewithhisparents.fromprinceandreyafourthletterhadbeenreceivedfromrome.inithewrotethathewouldlongagohavebeenonhiswaybacktorussia,butthatinthewarmclimatehiswoundhadsuddenlyre-opened,whichwouldcompelhimtodeferhisreturntillthebeginningofthenewyear.natashawasasmuchinlovewithherbetrothed,asuntroubledinherlove,andasreadytothrowherselfintoallthepleasuresoflifeasever.buttowardstheendofthefourthmonthoftheirseparationshebegantosufferfromfitsofdepression,againstwhichshewasunabletocontend.shefeltsorryforherself,sorrythatallthistimeshouldbewastedandbeofnousetoanyone,whileshefeltsuchcapacityforlovingandbeingloved.

lifewasnotgayintherostovs’household.