第252章

第252章“december3.—iwakeduplate,readthescripture,butwasunmovedbyit.afterwardsiwentdownandwalkedupanddownthebighall.itriedtomeditate;butinsteadofthatmyimaginationbroughtbeforemeanincidentwhichoccurredfouryearsago.dolohov,meetingmeaftermyduelinmoscow,saidtomethathehopediwasnowenjoyingcompletementalpeaceinspiteofmywife’sabsence.atthetimeimadehimnoanswer.nowirecalledallthedetailsofthatinterview,andinmymindmadehimthemostvindictiveandbitingretorts.irecoveredmyselfanddroveawaythatidea,onlywhenihadcaughtmyselfinapassionofanger;butididnotrepentofitsufficiently.afterwardsborisdrubetskoycameandbegandescribingvariousincidents.themomenthecameinifeltamazedathisvisitandsaidsomethinghorridtohim.heretorted.igothot,andsaidagreatdealtohimthatwasdisagreeableandevenrude.hedidnotreply,andicheckedmyselfonlywhenitwastoolate.mygod,icannotgetonwithhimatall.itismyselftoothatistoblameforit.isetmyselfabovehim,andsoibecomefarinferiortohim,forheislenienttomyrudeness,whileinourishacontemptforhim.mygod,grantmethatinhispresenceimayseemoreclearlymyownvilenessandactsothatitmaybeprofitabletohimtoo.afterdinneriwenttosleep,andjustasiwasfallingasleep,idistinctlyheardavoicesayinginmyleftear：‘thyday.’

“idreamediwaswalkingalonginthedarkandwasallofasuddensurroundedbydogs,butiwentonundismayed;allatonceonesmalldogseizedmebythethighwithitsteethandwouldnotletgo.itriedtostrangleitwithmyhands.andassoonasitoreitoff,another,aerone,begantobiteme.ilifteditup,andthemoreilifteditup,theerandheavieritbecame.andsuddenlybrothera.cameup,andtakingmebythearm,ledmeawaywithhimandbroughtmeintoabuilding,toenterwhichwehadtopassoveranarrowplank.isteppedonit,andtheplankbentandgaveway,andibeganclamberingonthefence,whichijustmanagedtogetholdofwithmyhands.aftergreateffortsiedmybodyup,sothatmylegswerehangingoverononesideandmybodyontheother.ilookedroundandsawbrothera.standingonthefenceandpointingouttomeagreatavenueandgarden,andinthegardenagreatandbeautifulbuilding.iwakedup.lord,greatarchitectofnature,helpmetotearawaythesedogs—myevilpassionsandespeciallythelast—thatunitesinitselftheviolenceofalltheformerones,andaidmetoenterthattempleofvirtue,ofwhichiwasvouchsafedavisioninmysleep.”

“december7.—idreamedthatosipalexyevitchwassittinginmyhouse,andiwasverygladtoseehimandeagertoentertainhim.butinmydreamikeptchatteringawayincessantlywithotherpeople,andallatonceibethoughtmyselfthatthiscouldnotbetohislikingandiwantedtocomeclosetohimandtoembracehim.butassoonasiapproachedhim,isawthathisfacewastransformed,andhadgrownyoung,andhesaidsomethingtomesoftly,somedoctrineofourorder,butsosoftlythaticouldnotcatchit.thenweallseemedtogooutoftheroom,andsomethingstrangehappened.weweresittingorlyingonthefloor.hewastellingmesomething.butinmydreamilongedtoshowhimmydevotionalfeeling,and,notlisteningtohiswords,ibeganpicturingtomyselfthestateofmyowninnerman,andthegraceofgodsanctifyingme.andtearscameintomyeyes,andiwasgladthathenoticedit.butheglancedatmewithvexation,andjumpedup,breakingoffhisconversationwithme.iwasabashedandaskedhimwhetherwhathehadbeensayingdidnotconcernme.buthemadenoreply,butgavemeafriendlylook,andthenallofasuddenwefoundourselvesinmybedroom,wherestoodabigdoublebed.helaydownontheedgeofit,andiseemedtobefilledwithadesiretoembracehimandtoliedowntoo.andinmydreamheaskedme,‘tellmethetruth,whatisyourchieftemptation？doyouknowit？ibelievethatyoudoknowit.’abashedatthisquestion,iansweredthatslothwasmybesettingtemptation.heshookhisheadincredulously.andevenmoreabashed,itoldhimthatthoughiwaslivingherewithmywife,iwasnotlivingwithherasahusband.tothisherepliedthatihadnorighttodeprivemywifeofmyembraces,andgavemetounderstandthatthiswasmyduty.butiansweredthatishouldbeashamedofit,andsuddenlyeverythingvanished.andiwakedup,andinmymindtherewasthetextofscripture：‘andthelifewasthelightofman,andthelightshinethinthedarkness,andthedarknesscomprehendethitnot.’

“thefaceofosipalexyevitchhadbeenyouthfulandbright-looking.thatdayireceivedaletterfrommybenefactor,inwhichhewrotetomeofmyconjugalduties.

“december9.—ihadadreamfromwhichiwakedupwithathrobbingheart.idreamediwasinmoscowinmyownhouse,inthebigdivan-room,andosipalexyevitchcameoutofthedrawing-room.idreamedthatiknewatoncethattheprocessofregenerationhadbeguninhim,andirushedtomeethim.ikissedhisfaceandhishands,whilehesaid：‘doyounoticethatmyfaceisdifferent？’ilookedathim,stillholdinghiminmyarms,andidreamedthatisawthathisfacewasyoung,buthehadnohaironhisheadandhisfeatureswerequitedifferent.andidreamedthatisaidtohim：‘ishouldhaverecognisedyouifihadmetyoubychance’;andthoughtasisaidit,‘amitellingthetruth？’andallatonceisawhimlyinglikeadeadbody;thenhegraduallycametohimselfagainandwentwithmeintothebigstudy,holdingabigfoliobookofmanuscript.andidreamedisaid：‘iwrotethat.’andheansweredmebyaninclinationofthehead.iopenedthebook,andonallthepageswerefinedrawings.andinmydreamiknewthatthesepicturesdepictedthesoul’sloveadventureswithitsbeloved.andisawabeautifulpresentmentofamaidenintransparentgarmentsandwithatransparentbodyflyinguptotheclouds.andiseemedtoknowthatthismaidenwasnothingelsebutthefigureofthesongofsongs.andinmydream,asilookedatthesepictures,ifeltiwasdoingwrongandcouldnottearmyselfawayfromthem.lord,helpme！mygod,ifthyforsakingmeisthydoing,thenthywillbedone;butifiammyselfthecause,teachmewhatiamtodo.iperishfrommyvilenessasthoughthouwastutterlyforsakingme.”