第11章

第11章frommydiscoursewithmr.lloyd,andfromtheabovereportedconferencebetweenbessieandabbot,igatheredenoughofhopetosufficeasamotiveforwishingtogetwell:achangeseemednear,—idesiredandwaiteditinsilence.ittarried,however:daysandweekspassed:ihadregainedmynormalstateofhealth,butnonewallusionwasmadetothesubjectoverwhichibrooded.mrs.reedsurveyedmeattimeswithasevereeye,butseldomaddressedme:sincemyillness,shehaddrawnamoremarkedlineofseparationthaneverbetweenmeandherownchildren;appointingmeasmallclosettosleepinbymyself,condemningmetotakemymealsalone,andpassallmytimeinthenursery,whilemycousinswereconstantlyinthedrawing-room.notahint,however,didshedropaboutsendingmetoschool:stillifeltaninstinctivecertaintythatshewouldnotlongenduremeunderthesameroofwithher;forherglance,nowmorethanever,whenturnedonme,expressedaninsuperableandrootedaversion.

elizaandgeorgiana,evidentlyactingaccordingtoorders,spoketomeaslittleaspossible:johnthrusthistongueinhischeekwheneverhesawme,andonceattemptedchastisement;butasiinstantlyturnedagainsthim,rousedbythesamesentimentofdeepireanddesperaterevoltwhichhadstirredmycorruptionbefore,hethoughtitbettertodesist,andranfrommetitteringexecrations,andvowingihadbursthisnose.ihadindeedlevelledatthatprominentfeatureashardablowasmyknucklescouldinflict;andwhenisawthateitherthatormylookdauntedhim,ihadthegreatestinclinationtofollowupmyadvantagetopurpose;buthewasalreadywithhismama.iheardhiminablubberingtonecommencethetaleofhow“thatnastyjaneeyre”hadflownathimlikeamadcat:hewasstoppedratherharshly—

“don’ttalktomeabouther,john:itoldyounottogonearher;sheisnotworthyofnotice;idonotchoosethateitheryouoryoursistersshouldassociatewithher.”

here,leaningoverthebanister,icriedoutsuddenly,andwithoutatalldeliberatingonmywords—

“theyarenotfittoassociatewithme.”

mrs.reedwasratherastoutwoman;but,onhearingthisstrangeandaudaciousdeclaration,sherannimblyupthestair,sweptmelikeawhirlwindintothenursery,andcrushingmedownontheedgeofmycrib,daredmeinanemphaticvoicetorisefromthatplace,orutteronesyllableduringtheremainderoftheday.

“whatwouldunclereedsaytoyou,ifhewerealive?”wasmyscarcelyvoluntarydemand.isayscarcelyvoluntary,foritseemedasifmytonguepronouncedwordswithoutmywillconsentingtotheirutterance:somethingspokeoutofmeoverwhichihadnocontrol.

“what?”saidmrs.reedunderherbreath:herusuallycoldcomposedgreyeyebecametroubledwithalooklikefear;shetookherhandfrommyarm,andgazedatmeasifshereallydidnotknowwhetheriwerechildorfiend.iwasnowinforit.

“myunclereedisinheaven,andcanseeallyoudoandthink;andsocanpapaandmama:theyknowhowyoushutmeupalldaylong,andhowyouwishmedead.”

mrs.reedsoonralliedherspirits:sheshookmemostsoundly,sheboxedbothmyears,andthenleftmewithoutaword.bessiesuppliedthehiatusbyahomilyofanhour’slength,inwhichsheprovedbeyondadoubtthatiwasthemostwickedandabandonedchildeverrearedunderaroof.ihalfbelievedher;forifeltindeedonlybadfeelingssurginginmybreast.

november,december,andhalfofjanuarypassedaway.christmasandthenewyearhadbeencelebratedatgatesheadwiththeusualfestivecheer;presentshadbeeninterchanged,dinnersandeveningpartiesgiven.fromeveryenjoymentiwas,ofcourse,excluded:myshareofthegaietyconsistedinwitnessingthedailyapparellingofelizaandgeorgiana,andseeingthemdescendtothedrawing-room,dressedoutinthinmuslinfrocksandscarletsashes,withhairelaboratelyringleted;andafterwards,inlisteningtothesoundofthepianoortheharpplayedbelow,tothepassingtoandfroofthebutlerandfootman,tothejinglingofglassandchinaasrefreshmentswerehanded,tothebrokenhumofconversationasthedrawing-roomdooropenedandclosed.whentiredofthisoccupation,iwouldretirefromthestairheadtothesolitaryandsilentnursery:there,thoughsomewhatsad,iwasnotmiserable.tospeaktruth,ihadnottheleastwishtogointocompany,forincompanyiwasveryrarelynoticed;andifbessiehadbutbeenkindandcompanionable,ishouldhavedeemeditatreattospendtheeveningsquietlywithher,insteadofpassingthemundertheformidableeyeofmrs.reed,inaroomfullofladiesandgentlemen.butbessie,assoonasshehaddressedheryoungladies,usedtotakeherselfofftothelivelyregionsofthekitchenandhousekeeper’sroom,generallybearingthecandlealongwithher.ithensatwithmydollonmykneetillthefiregotlow,glancingroundoccasionallytomakesurethatnothingworsethanmyselfhauntedtheshadowyroom;andwhentheemberssanktoadullred,iundressedhastily,ingatknotsandstringsasibestmight,andsoughtshelterfromcoldanddarknessinmycrib.tothiscribialwaystookmydoll;humanbeingsmustlovesomething,and,inthedearthofworthierobjectsofaffection,icontrivedtofindapleasureinlovingandcherishingafadedgravenimage,shabbyasaminiaturescarecrow.itpuzzlesmenowtorememberwithwhatabsurdsincerityidoatedonthislittletoy,halffancyingitaliveandcapableofsensation.icouldnotsleepunlessitwasfoldedinmynight-gown;andwhenitlaytheresafeandwarm,iwascomparativelyhappy,believingittobehappylikewise.