第75章
第75章hecomesinlast:iamnotlookingatthearch,yetiseehimenter.itrytoconcentratemyattentiononthosenetting-needles,onthemeshesofthepurseiamforming—iwishtothinkonlyoftheworkihaveinmyhands,toseeonlythesilverbeadsandsilkthreadsthatlieinmylap;whereas,idistinctlybeholdhisfigure,andiinevitablyrecallthemomentwhenilastsawit;justafterihadrenderedhim,whathedeemed,anessentialservice,andhe,holdingmyhand,andlookingdownonmyface,surveyedmewitheyesthatrevealedaheartfullandeagertooverflow;inwhoseemotionsihadapart.hownearhadiapproachedhimatthatmoment!whathadoccurredsince,calculatedtochangehisandmyrelativepositions?yetnow,howdistant,howfarestrangedwewere!sofarestranged,thatididnotexpecthimtocomeandspeaktome.ididnotwonder,when,withoutlookingatme,hetookaseatattheothersideoftheroom,andbeganconversingwithsomeoftheladies.
nosoonerdidiseethathisattentionwasrivetedonthem,andthatimightgazewithoutbeingobserved,thanmyeyesweredrawninvoluntarilytohisface;icouldnotkeeptheirlidsundercontrol:theywouldrise,andtheiridswouldfixonhim.ilooked,andhadanacutepleasureinlooking,—apreciousyetpoignantpleasure;puregold,withasteelypointofagony:apleasurelikewhatthethirst-perishingmanmightfeelwhoknowsthewelltowhichhehascreptispoisoned,yetstoopsanddrinksdivinedraughtsnevertheless.
mosttrueisitthat“beautyisintheeyeofthegazer.”mymaster’scolourless,oliveface,square,massivebrow,broadandjettyeyebrows,deepeyes,strongfeatures,firm,grimmouth,—allenergy,decision,will,—werenotbeautiful,accordingtorule;buttheyweremorethanbeautifultome;theywerefullofaninterest,aninfluencethatquitemasteredme,—thattookmyfeelingsfrommyownpowerandfetteredtheminhis.ihadnotintendedtolovehim;thereaderknowsihadwroughthardtoextirpatefrommysoulthegermsoflovetheredetected;andnow,atthefirstrenewedviewofhim,theyspontaneouslyarrived,greenandstrong!hemademelovehimwithoutlookingatme.
icomparedhimwithhisguests.whatwasthegallantgraceofthelynns,thelanguideleganceoflordingram,—eventhemilitarydistinctionofcoloneldent,contrastedwithhislookofnativepithandgenuinepower?ihadnosympathyintheirappearance,theirexpression:yeticouldimaginethatmostobserverswouldcallthemattractive,handsome,imposing;whiletheywouldpronouncemr.rochesteratonceharsh-featuredandmelancholy-looking.isawthemsmile,laugh—itwasnothing;thelightofthecandleshadasmuchsoulinitastheirsmile;thetinkleofthebellasmuchsignificanceastheirlaugh.isawmr.rochestersmile:—hissternfeaturessoftened;hiseyegrewbothbrilliantandgentle,itsraybothsearchingandsweet.hewastalking,atthemoment,tolouisaandamyeshton.iwonderedtoseethemreceivewithcalmthatlookwhichseemedtomesopenetrating:iexpectedtheireyestofall,theircolourtoriseunderit;yetiwasgladwhenifoundtheywereinnosensemoved.“heisnottothemwhatheistome,”ithought:“heisnotoftheirkind.ibelieveheisofmine;—iamsureheis—ifeelakintohim—iunderstandthelanguageofhiscountenanceandmovements:thoughrankandwealthseveruswidely,ihavesomethinginmybrainandheart,inmybloodandnerves,thatassimilatesmementallytohim.didisay,afewdayssince,thatihadnothingtodowithhimbuttoreceivemysalaryathishands?didiforbidmyselftothinkofhiminanyotherlightthanasapaymaster?blasphemyagainstnature!everygood,true,vigorousfeelingihavegathersimpulsivelyroundhim.iknowimustconcealmysentiments:imustsmotherhope;imustrememberthathecannotcaremuchforme.forwhenisaythatiamofhiskind,idonotmeanthatihavehisforcetoinfluence,andhisspelltoattract;imeanonlythatihavecertaintastesandfeelingsincommonwithhim.imust,then,repeatcontinuallythatweareforeversundered:—andyet,whileibreatheandthink,imustlovehim.”
coffeeishanded.theladies,sincethegentlemenentered,havebecomelivelyaslarks;conversationwaxesbriskandmerry.coloneldentandmr.eshtonargueonpolitics;theirwiveslisten.thetwoprouddowagers,ladylynnandladyingram,confabulatetogether.sirgeorge—whom,by-the-bye,ihaveforgottentodescribe,—averybig,andveryfresh-lookingcountrygentleman,standsbeforetheirsofa,coffee-cupinhand,andoccasionallyputsinaword.mr.frédéricklynnhastakenaseatbesidemaryingram,andisshowinghertheengravingsofasplendidvolume:shelooks,smilesnowandthen,butapparentlysayslittle.thetallandphlegmaticlordingramleanswithfoldedarmsonthechair-backofthelittleandlivelyamyeshton;sheglancesupathim,andchatterslikeawren:shelikeshimbetterthanshedoesmr.rochester.henrylynnhastakenpossessionofanottomanatthefeetoflouisa:adèlesharesitwithhim:heistryingtotalkfrenchwithher,andlouisalaughsathisblunders.withwhomwillblancheingrampair?sheisstandingaloneatthetable,bendinggracefullyoveranalbum.sheseemswaitingtobesought;butshewillnotwaittoolong:sheherselfselectsamate.
mr.rochester,havingquittedtheeshtons,standsonthehearthassolitaryasshestandsbythetable:sheconfrontshim,takingherstationontheoppositesideofthemantelpiece.
“mr.rochester,ithoughtyouwerenotfondofchildren?”
“norami.”
“then,whatinducedyoutotakechargeofsuchalittledollasthat?”(pointingtoadèle).“wheredidyoupickherup?”
“ididnotpickherup;shewasleftonmyhands.”
“youshouldhavesenthertoschool.”
“icouldnotaffordit:schoolsaresodear.”