第192章

第192章ihavenowbeenmarriedtenyears.iknowwhatitistoliveentirelyforandwithwhatilovebestonearth.iholdmyselfsupremelyblest—blestbeyondwhatlanguagecanexpress;becauseiammyhusband’slifeasfullyisheismine.nowomanwasevernearertohermatethaniam:evermoreabsolutelyboneofhisboneandfleshofhisflesh.iknownowearinessofmyedward’ssociety:heknowsnoneofmine,anymorethanweeachdoofthepulsationoftheheartthatbeatsinourseparatebosoms;consequently,weareevertogether.tobetogetherisforustobeatonceasfreeasinsolitude,asgayasincompany.wetalk,ibelieve,alldaylong:totalktoeachotherisbutamoreanimatedandanaudiblethinking.allmyconfidenceisbestowedonhim,allhisconfidenceisdevotedtome;wearepreciselysuitedincharacter—perfectconcordistheresult.

mr.rochestercontinuedblindthefirsttwoyearsofourunion;perhapsitwasthatcircumstancethatdrewussoverynear—thatknitussoveryclose:foriwasthenhisvision,asiamstillhisrighthand.literally,iwas(whatheoftencalledme)theappleofhiseye.hesawnature—hesawbooksthroughme;andneverdidiwearyofgazingforhisbehalf,andofputtingintowordstheeffectoffield,tree,town,river,cloud,sunbeam—ofthelandscapebeforeus;oftheweatherroundus—andimpressingbysoundonhisearwhatlightcouldnolongerstamponhiseye.neverdidiwearyofreadingtohim;neverdidiwearyofconductinghimwherehewishedtogo:ofdoingforhimwhathewishedtobedone.andtherewasapleasureinmyservices,mostfull,mostexquisite,eventhoughsad—becauseheclaimedtheseserviceswithoutpainfulshameordampinghumiliation.helovedmesotruly,thatheknewnoreluctanceinprofitingbymyattendance:hefeltilovedhimsofondly,thattoyieldthatattendancewastoindulgemysweetestwishes.

onemorningattheendofthetwoyears,asiwaswritingalettertohisdictation,hecameandbentoverme,andsaid—“jane,haveyouaglitteringornamentroundyourneck?”

ihadagoldwatch-chain:ianswered“yes.”

“andhaveyouapalebluedresson?”

ihad.heinformedmethen,thatforsometimehehadfanciedtheobscuritycloudingoneeyewasbecominglessdense;andthatnowhewassureofit.

heandiwentuptolondon.hehadtheadviceofaneminentoculist;andheeventuallyrecoveredthesightofthatoneeye.hecannotnowseeverydistinctly:hecannotreadorwritemuch;buthecanfindhiswaywithoutbeingledbythehand:theskyisnolongerablanktohim—theearthnolongeravoid.whenhisfirst-bornwasputintohisarms,hecouldseethattheboyhadinheritedhisowneyes,astheyoncewere—large,brilliant,andblack.onthatoccasion,heagain,withafullheart,acknowledgedthatgodhadtemperedjudgmentwithmercy.

myedwardandi,then,arehappy:andthemoreso,becausethosewemostlovearehappylikewise.dianaandmaryriversarebothmarried:alternately,onceeveryyear,theycometoseeus,andwegotoseethem.diana’shusbandisacaptaininthenavy,agallantofficerandagoodman.mary’sisaclergyman,acollegefriendofherbrother’s,and,fromhisattainmentsandprinciples,worthyoftheconnection.bothcaptainfitzjamesandmr.whartonlovetheirwives,andarelovedbythem.

astost.johnrivers,heleftengland:hewenttoindia.heenteredonthepathhehadmarkedforhimself;hepursuesitstill.amoreresolute,indefatigablepioneerneverwroughtamidstrocksanddangers.firm,faithful,anddevoted,fullofenergy,andzeal,andtruth,helaboursforhisrace;heclearstheirpainfulwaytoimprovement;hehewsdownlikeagianttheprejudicesofcreedandcastethatencumberit.hemaybestern;hemaybeexacting;hemaybeambitiousyet;buthisisthesternnessofthewarriorgreatheart,whoguardshispilgrimconvoyfromtheonslaughtofapollyon.hisistheexactionoftheapostle,whospeaksbutforchrist,whenhesays—“whosoeverwillcomeafterme,lethimdenyhimself,andtakeuphiscrossandfollowme.”hisistheambitionofthehighmaster-spirit,whichaimstofillaplaceinthefirstrankofthosewhoareredeemedfromtheearth—whostandwithoutfaultbeforethethroneofgod,whosharethelastmightyvictoriesofthelamb,whoarecalled,andchosen,andfaithful.

st.johnisunmarried:heneverwillmarrynow.himselfhashithertosufficedtothetoil,andthetoildrawsnearitsclose:hisglorioussunhastenstoitssetting.thelastletterireceivedfromhimdrewfrommyeyeshumantears,andyetfilledmyheartwithdivinejoy:heanticipatedhissurereward,hisincorruptiblecrown.iknowthatastranger’shandwillwritetomenext,tosaythatthegoodandfaithfulservanthasbeencalledatlengthintothejoyofhislord.andwhyweepforthis?nofearofdeathwilldarkenst.john’slasthour:hismindwillbeunclouded,hisheartwillbeundaunted,hishopewillbesure,hisfaithsteadfast.hisownwordsareapledgeofthis—

“mymaster,”hesays,“hasforewarnedme.dailyheannouncesmoredistinctly,—‘surelyicomequickly!’andhourlyimoreeagerlyrespond,—‘amen;evensocome,lordjesus!’”