第151章

第151章incommunicativeashewas,sometimeelapsedbeforeihadanopportunityofgauginghismind.ifirstgotanideaofitscalibrewheniheardhimpreachinhisownchurchatmorton.iwishicoulddescribethatsermon:butitispastmypower.icannotevenrenderfaithfullytheeffectitproducedonme.

itbegancalm—andindeed,asfarasdeliveryandpitchofvoicewent,itwascalmtotheend:anearnestlyfelt,yetstrictlyrestrainedzealbreathedsooninthedistinctaccents,andpromptedthenervouslanguage.thisgrewtoforce—compressed,condensed,controlled.theheartwasthrilled,themindastonished,bythepowerofthepreacher:neitherweresoftened.throughouttherewasastrangebitterness;anabsenceofconsolatorygentleness;sternallusionstocalvinisticdoctrines—election,predestination,reprobation—werefrequent;andeachreferencetothesepointssoundedlikeasentencepronouncedfordoom.whenhehaddone,insteadoffeelingbetter,calmer,moreenlightenedbyhisdiscourse,iexperiencedaninexpressiblesadness;foritseemedtome—iknownotwhetherequallysotoothers—thattheeloquencetowhichihadbeenlisteninghadsprungfromadepthwherelayturbiddregsofdisappointment—wheremovedtroublingimpulsesofinsatiateyearningsanddisquietingaspirations.iwassurest.johnrivers—pure-lived,conscientious,zealousashewas—hadnotyetfoundthatpeaceofgodwhichpassethallunderstanding:hehadnomorefoundit,ithought,thanhadiwithmyconcealedandrackingregretsformybrokenidolandlostelysium—regretstowhichihavelatterlyavoidedreferring,butwhichpossessedmeandtyrannisedovermeruthlessly.

meantimeamonthwasgone.dianaandmaryweresoontoleavemoorhouse,andreturntothefardifferentlifeandscenewhichawaitedthem,asgovernessesinalarge,fashionable,south-of-englandcity,whereeachheldasituationinfamiliesbywhosewealthyandhaughtymemberstheywereregardedonlyashumbledependants,andwhoneitherknewnorsoughtouttheirinnateexcellences,andappreciatedonlytheiracquiredaccomplishmentsastheyappreciatedtheskilloftheircookorthetasteoftheirwaiting-woman.mr.st.johnhadsaidnothingtomeyetabouttheemploymenthehadpromisedtoobtainforme;yetitbecameurgentthatishouldhaveavocationofsomekind.onemorning,beingleftalonewithhimafewminutesintheparlour,iventuredtoapproachthewindow-recess—whichhistable,chair,anddeskconsecratedasakindofstudy—andiwasgoingtospeak,thoughnotverywellknowinginwhatwordstoframemyinquiry—foritisatalltimesdifficulttobreaktheiceofreserveglassingoversuchnaturesashis—whenhesavedmethetroublebybeingthefirsttocommenceadialogue.

lookingupasidrewnear—“youhaveaquestiontoaskofme?”hesaid.

“yes;iwishtoknowwhetheryouhaveheardofanyserviceicanoffermyselftoundertake?”

“ifoundordevisedsomethingforyouthreeweeksago;butasyouseemedbothusefulandhappyhere—asmysistershadevidentlybecomeattachedtoyou,andyoursocietygavethemunusualpleasure—ideemeditinexpedienttobreakinonyourmutualcomforttilltheirapproachingdeparturefrommarshendshouldrenderyoursnecessary.”

“andtheywillgointhreedaysnow?”isaid.

“yes;andwhentheygo,ishallreturntotheparsonageatmorton:hannahwillaccompanyme;andthisoldhousewillbeshutup.”

iwaitedafewmoments,expectinghewouldgoonwiththesubjectfirstbroached:butheseemedtohaveenteredanothertrainofreflection:hislookdenotedabstractionfrommeandmybusiness.iwasobligedtorecallhimtoathemewhichwasofnecessityoneofcloseandanxiousinteresttome.

“whatistheemploymentyouhadinview,mr.rivers?ihopethisdelaywillnothaveincreasedthedifficultyofsecuringit.”

“oh,no;sinceitisinemploymentwhichdependsonlyonmetogive,andyoutoaccept.”

heagainpaused:thereseemedareluctancetocontinue.igrewimpatient:arestlessmovementortwo,andaneagerandexactingglancefastenedonhisface,conveyedthefeelingtohimaseffectuallyaswordscouldhavedone,andwithlesstrouble.

“youneedbeinnohurrytohear,”hesaid:“letmefranklytellyou,ihavenothingeligibleorprofitabletoest.beforeiexplain,recall,ifyouplease,mynotice,clearlygiven,thatifihelpedyou,itmustbeastheblindmanwouldhelpthelame.iampoor;forifindthat,whenihavepaidmyfather’sdebts,allthepatrimonyremainingtomewillbethiscrumblinggrange,therowofscathedfirsbehind,andthepatchofmoorishsoil,withtheyew-treesandholly-bushesinfront.iamobscure:riversisanoldname;butofthethreesoledescendantsoftherace,twoearnthedependant’scrustamongstrangers,andthethirdconsidershimselfanalienfromhisnativecountry—notonlyforlife,butindeath.yes,anddeems,andisboundtodeem,himselfhonouredbythelot,andaspiresbutafterthedaywhenthecrossofseparationfromfleshlytiesshallbelaidonhisshoulders,andwhentheheadofthatchurch-militantofwhosehumblestmembersheisone,shallgivetheword,‘rise,followme!’”

st.johnsaidthesewordsashepronouncedhissermons,withaquiet,deepvoice;withanunflushedcheek,andacoruscatingradianceofglance.heresumed—