第149章

第149章“ileftlowoodnearlyayearsincetobecomeaprivategoverness.iobtainedagoodsituation,andwashappy.thisplaceiwasobligedtoleavefourdaysbeforeicamehere.thereasonofmydepartureicannotandoughtnottoexplain:itwouldbeuseless,dangerous,andwouldsoundincredible.noblameattachedtome:iamasfreefromculpabilityasanyoneofyouthree.miserableiam,andmustbeforatime;forthecatastrophewhichdrovemefromahouseihadfoundaparadisewasofastrangeanddirefulnature.iobservedbuttwopointsinplanningmydeparture—speed,secrecy:tosecurethese,ihadtoleavebehindmeeverythingipossessedexceptasmallparcel;which,inmyhurryandtroubleofmind,iforgottotakeoutofthecoachthatbroughtmetowhitcross.tothisneighbourhood,then,icame,quitedestitute.islepttwonightsintheopenair,andwanderedabouttwodayswithoutcrossingathreshold:buttwiceinthatspaceoftimediditastefood;anditwaswhenbroughtbyhunger,exhaustion,anddespairalmosttothelastgasp,thatyou,mr.rivers,forbademetoperishofwantatyourdoor,andtookmeundertheshelterofyourroof.iknowallyoursistershavedoneformesince—forihavenotbeeninsensibleduringmyseemingtorpor—andiowetotheirspontaneous,genuine,genialcompassionaslargeadebtastoyourevangelicalcharity.”

“don’tmakehertalkanymorenow,st.john,”saiddiana,asipaused;“sheisevidentlynotyetfitforexcitement.cometothesofaandsitdownnow,misselliott.”

igaveaninvoluntaryhalfstartathearingthealias:ihadforgottenmynewname.mr.rivers,whomnothingseemedtoescape,noticeditatonce.

“yousaidyournamewasjaneelliott?”heobserved.

“ididsayso;anditisthenamebywhichithinkitexpedienttobecalledatpresent,butitisnotmyrealname,andwhenihearit,itsoundsstrangetome.”

“yourrealnameyouwillnotgive?”

“no:ifeardiscoveryaboveallthings;andwhateverdisclosurewouldleadtoit,iavoid.”

“youarequiteright,iamsure,”saiddiana.“nowdo,brother,letherbeatpeaceawhile.”

butwhenst.johnhadmusedafewmomentsherecommencedasimperturbablyandwithasmuchacumenasever.

“youwouldnotliketobelongdependentonourhospitality—youwouldwish,isee,todispenseassoonasmaybewithmysisters’compassion,and,aboveall,withmycharity(iamquitesensibleofthedistinctiondrawn,nordoiresentit—itisjust):youdesiretobeindependentofus?”

“ido:ihavealreadysaidso.showmehowtowork,orhowtoseekwork:thatisallinowask;thenletmego,ifitbebuttothemeanestcottage;buttillthen,allowmetostayhere:idreadanotheressayofthehorrorsofhomelessdestitution.”

“indeedyoushallstayhere,”saiddiana,puttingherwhitehandonmyhead.“youshall,”repeatedmary,inthetoneofundemonstrativesinceritywhichseemednaturaltoher.

“mysisters,yousee,haveapleasureinkeepingyou,”saidmr.st.john,“astheywouldhaveapleasureinkeepingandcherishingahalf-frozenbird,somewintrywindmighthavedriventhroughtheircasement.ifeelmoreinclinationtoputyouinthewayofkeepingyourself,andshallendeavourtodoso;butobserve,mysphereisnarrow.iambuttheincumbentofapoorcountryparish:myaidmustbeofthehumblestsort.andifyouareinclinedtodespisethedayofsmallthings,seeksomemoreefficientourthansuchasicanoffer.”

“shehasalreadysaidthatsheiswillingtodoanythinghonestshecando,”answereddianaforme;“andyouknow,st.john,shehasnochoiceofhelpers:sheisforcedtoputupwithsuchcrustypeopleasyou.”

“iwillbeadressmaker;iwillbeaplain-workwoman;iwillbeaservant,anurse-girl,ificanbenobetter,”ianswered.

“right,”saidmr.st.john,quitecoolly.“ifsuchisyourspirit,ipromisetoaidyou,inmyowntimeandway.”

henowresumedthebookwithwhichhehadbeenoccupiedbeforetea.isoonwithdrew,forihadtalkedasmuch,andsatupaslong,asmypresentstrengthwouldpermit.