第155章

第155章“mycottageiscleanandweather-proof;myfurnituresufficientandcommodious.alliseehasmademethankful,notdespondent.iamnotabsolutelysuchafoolandsensualistastoregrettheabsenceofacarpet,asofa,andsilverplate;besides,fiveweeksagoihadnothing—iwasanoutcast,aar,avagrant;nowihaveacquaintance,ahome,abusiness.iwonderatthegoodnessofgod;thegenerosityofmyfriends;thebountyofmylot.idonotrepine.”

“butyoufeelsolitudeanoppression?thelittlehousetherebehindyouisdarkandempty.”

“ihavehardlyhadtimeyettoenjoyasenseoftranquillity,muchlesstogrowimpatientunderoneofloneliness.”

“verywell;ihopeyoufeelthecontentyouexpress:atanyrate,yourgoodsensewilltellyouthatitistoosoonyettoyieldtothevacillatingfearsoflot’swife.whatyouhadleftbeforeisawyou,ofcourseidonotknow;buticounselyoutoresistfirmlyeverytemptationwhichwouldinclineyoutolookback:pursueyourpresentcareersteadily,forsomemonthsatleast.”

“itiswhatimeantodo,”ianswered.st.johncontinued—

“itishardworktocontroltheworkingsofinclinationandturnthebentofnature;butthatitmaybedone,iknowfromexperience.godhasgivenus,inameasure,thepowertomakeourownfate;andwhenourenergiesseemtodemandasustenancetheycannotget—whenourwillstrainsafterapathwemaynotfollow—weneedneitherstarvefrominanition,norstandstillindespair:wehavebuttoseekanothernourishmentforthemind,asstrongastheforbiddenfooditlongedtotaste—andperhapspurer;andtohewoutfortheadventurousfootaroadasdirectandbroadastheonefortunehasblockedupagainstus,ifrougherthanit.

“ayearagoiwasmyselfintenselymiserable,becauseithoughtihadmadeamistakeinenteringtheministry:itsuniformdutiesweariedmetodeath.iburntforthemoreactivelifeoftheworld—forthemoreexcitingtoilsofaliterarycareer—forthedestinyofanartist,author,orator;anythingratherthanthatofapriest:yes,theheartofapolitician,ofasoldier,ofavotaryofglory,aloverofrenown,alusterafterpower,beatundermycurate’ssurplice.iconsidered;mylifewassowretched,itmustbechanged,orimustdie.afteraseasonofdarknessandling,lightbrokeandrelieffell:mycrampedexistenceallatoncespreadouttoaplainwithoutbounds—mypowersheardacallfromheaventorise,gathertheirfullstrength,spreadtheirwings,andmountbeyondken.godhadanerrandforme;tobearwhichafar,todeliveritwell,skillandstrength,courageandeloquence,thebestqualificationsofsoldier,statesman,andorator,wereallneeded:fortheseallcentreinthegoodmissionary.

“amissionaryiresolvedtobe.fromthatmomentmystateofmindchanged;thefettersdissolvedanddroppedfromeveryfaculty,leavingnothingofbondagebutitsgallingsoreness—whichtimeonlycanheal.myfather,indeed,imposedthedetermination,butsincehisdeath,ihavenotalegitimateobstacletocontendwith;someaffairssettled,aessorformortonprovided,anentanglementortwoofthefeelingsbrokenthroughorcutasunder—alastconflictwithhumanweakness,inwhichiknowishallovercome,becauseihavevowedthatiwillovercome—andileaveeuropefortheeast.”

hesaidthis,inhispeculiar,subdued,yetemphaticvoice;looking,whenhehadceasedspeaking,notatme,butatthesettingsun,atwhichilookedtoo.bothheandihadourbackstowardsthepathleadingupthefieldtothewicket.wehadheardnosteponthatgrass-growntrack;thewaterrunninginthevalewastheonelullingsoundofthehourandscene;wemightwellthenstartwhenagayvoice,sweetasasilverbell,exclaimed—

“goodevening,mr.rivers.andgoodevening,oldcarlo.yourdogisquickertorecognisehisfriendsthanyouare,sir;heprickedhisearsandedhistailwheniwasatthebottomofthefield,andyouhaveyourbacktowardsmenow.”