第145章

第145章therecollectionofaboutthreedaysandnightseedingthisisverydiminmymind.icanrecallsomesensationsfeltinthatinterval;butfewthoughtsframed,andnoactionsperformed.iknewiwasinasmallroomandinanarrowbed.tothatbediseemedtohavegrown;ilayonitmotionlessasastone;andtohavetornmefromitwouldhavebeenalmosttokillme.itooknonoteofthelapseoftime—ofthechangefrommorningtonoon,fromnoontoevening.iobservedwhenanyoneenteredorlefttheapartment:icouldeventellwhotheywere;icouldunderstandwhatwassaidwhenthespeakerstoodneartome;buticouldnotanswer;toopenmylipsormovemylimbswasequallyimpossible.hannah,theservant,wasmymostfrequentvisitor.hercomingdisturbedme.ihadafeelingthatshewishedmeaway:thatshedidnotunderstandmeormycircumstances;thatshewasprejudicedagainstme.dianaandmaryappearedinthechamberonceortwiceaday.theywouldwhispersentencesofthissortatmybedside—

“itisverywellwetookherin.”

“yes;shewouldcertainlyhavebeenfounddeadatthedoorinthemorninghadshebeenleftoutallnight.iwonderwhatshehasgonethrough?”

“strangehardships,iimagine—poor,emaciated,pallidwanderer?”

“sheisnotanuneducatedperson,ishouldthink,byhermannerofspeaking;heraccentwasquitepure;andtheclothesshetookoff,thoughsplashedandwet,werelittlewornandfine.”

“shehasapeculiarface;fleshlessandardasitis,iratherlikeit;andwheningoodhealthandanimated,icanfancyherphysiognomywouldbeagreeable.”

neveronceintheirdialoguesdidihearasyllableofregretatthehospitalitytheyhadextendedtome,orofsuspicionof,oraversionto,myself.iwascomforted.

mr.st.johncamebutonce:helookedatme,andsaidmystateoflethargywastheresultofreactionfromexcessiveandprotractedfatigue.hepronounceditneedlesstosendforadoctor:nature,hewassure,wouldmanagebest,lefttoherself.hesaideverynervehadbeenoverstrainedinsomeway,andthewholesystemmustsleeptorpidawhile.therewasnodisease.heimaginedmyrecoverywouldberapidenoughwhenoncecommenced.theseopinionshedeliveredinafewwords,inaquiet,lowvoice;andadded,afterapause,inthetoneofamanlittleaccustomedtoexpansivecomment,“ratheranunusualphysiognomy;certainly,notindicativeofvulgarityordegradation.”

“farotherwise,”respondeddiana.“tospeaktruth,st.john,myheartratherwarmstothepoorlittlesoul.iwishwemaybeabletobenefitherpermanently.”

“thatishardlylikely,”wasthereply.“youwillfindsheissomeyoungladywhohashadamisunderstandingwithherfriends,andhasprobablyinjudiciouslyleftthem.wemay,perhaps,eedinrestoringhertothem,ifsheisnotobstinate:butitracelinesofforceinherfacewhichmakemescepticalofhertractability.”hestoodconsideringmesomeminutes;thenadded,“shelookssensible,butnotatallhandsome.”

“sheissoill,st.john.”

“illorwell,shewouldalwaysbeplain.thegraceandharmonyofbeautyarequitewantinginthosefeatures.”

onthethirddayiwasbetter;onthefourth,icouldspeak,move,riseinbed,andturn.hannahhadbroughtmesomegruelanddrytoast,about,asisupposed,thedinner-hour.ihadeatenwithrelish:thefoodwasgood—voidofthefeverishflavourwhichhadhithertopoisonedwhatihadswallowed.whensheleftme,ifeltcomparativelystrongandrevived:erelongsatietyofreposeanddesireforactionstirredme.iwishedtorise;butwhatcouldiputon?onlymydampandbemiredapparel;inwhichihadsleptonthegroundandfalleninthemarsh.ifeltashamedtoappearbeforemybenefactorssoclad.iwassparedthehumiliation.

onachairbythebedsidewereallmyownthings,cleananddry.myblacksilkfrockhungagainstthewall.thetracesofthebogwereremovedfromit;thecreasesleftbythewetsmoothedout:itwasquitedecent.myveryshoesandstockingswerepurifiedandrenderedpresentable.therewerethemeansofwashingintheroom,andacombandbrushtosmoothmyhair.afterawearyprocess,andrestingeveryfiveminutes,ieededindressingmyself.myclotheshunglooseonme;foriwasmuchwasted,buticovereddeficiencieswithashawl,andoncemore,cleanandrespectablelooking—nospeckofthedirt,notraceofthedisorderisohated,andwhichseemedsotodegrademe,left—icreptdownastonestaircasewiththeaidofthebanisters,toanarrowlowpassage,andfoundmywaypresentlytothekitchen.

itwasfullofthefragranceofnewbreadandthewarmthofagenerousfire.hannahwasbaking.prejudices,itiswellknown,aremostdifficulttoeradicatefromtheheartwhosesoilhasneverbeenloosenedorfertilisedbyeducation:theygrowthere,firmasweedsamongstones.hannahhadbeencoldandstiff,indeed,atthefirst:latterlyshehadbeguntorelentalittle;andwhenshesawmecomeintidyandwell-dressed,sheevensmiled.

“what,youhavegotup!”shesaid.“youarebetter,then.youmaysityoudowninmychaironthehearthstone,ifyouwill.”

shepointedtotherocking-chair:itookit.shebustledabout,examiningmeeverynowandthenwiththecornerofhereye.turningtome,asshetooksomeloavesfromtheoven,sheaskedbluntly—

“didyouevergoa-ingaforeyoucamehere?”

iwasindignantforamoment;butrememberingthatangerwasoutofthequestion,andthatihadindeedappearedasaartoher,iansweredquietly,butstillnotwithoutacertainmarkedfirmness—

“youaremistakeninsupposingmeaar.iamnoar;anymorethanyourselforyouryoungladies.”

afterapauseshesaid,“idunnutunderstandthat:you’velikenohouse,nornobrass,iguess?”

“thewantofhouseorbrass(bywhichisupposeyoumeanmoney)doesnotmakeaarinyoursenseoftheword.”

“areyoubook-learned?”sheinquiredpresently.

“yes,very.”

“butyou’veneverbeentoaboarding-school?”