第93章

第93章“wellthen,jane,calltoaidyourfancy:—supposeyouwerenolongeragirlwellrearedanddisciplined,butawildboyindulgedfromchildhoodupwards;imagineyourselfinaremoteforeignland;conceivethatyoutherecommitacapitalerror,nomatterofwhatnatureorfromwhatmotives,butonewhoseconsequencesmustfollowyouthroughlifeandtaintallyourexistence.mind,idon’tsayacrime;iamnotspeakingofsheddingofbloodoranyotherguiltyact,whichmightmaketheperpetratoramenabletothelaw:mywordiserror.theresultsofwhatyouhavedonebecomeintimetoyouutterlyinsupportable;youtakemeasurestoobtainrelief:unusualmeasures,butneitherunlawfulnorculpable.stillyouaremiserable;forhopehasquittedyouontheveryconfinesoflife:yoursunatnoondarkensinaneclipse,whichyoufeelwillnotleaveittillthetimeofsetting.bitterandbaseassociationshavebecomethesolefoodofyourmemory:youwanderhereandthere,seekingrestinexile:happinessinpleasure—imeaninheartless,sensualpleasure—suchasdullsintellectandblightsfeeling.heart-wearyandsoul-withered,youcomehomeafteryearsofvoluntarybanishment:youmakeanewacquaintance—howorwherenomatter:youfindinthisstrangermuchofthegoodandbrightqualitieswhichyouhavesoughtfortwentyyears,andneverbeforeencountered;andtheyareallfresh,healthy,withoutsoilandwithouttaint.suchsocietyrevives,regenerates:youfeelbetterdayscomeback—higherwishes,purerfeelings;youdesiretorecommenceyourlife,andtospendwhatremainstoyouofdaysinawaymoreworthyofanimmortalbeing.toattainthisend,areyoujustifiedinoverleapinganobstacleofcustom—amereconventionalimpedimentwhichneitheryourconsciencesanctifiesnoryourjudgmentapproves?”

hepausedforananswer:andwhatwasitosay?oh,forsomegoodspirittoestajudiciousandsatisfactoryresponse!vainaspiration!thewestwindwhisperedintheivyroundme;butnogentlearielborroweditsbreathasamediumofspeech:thebirdssanginthetree-tops;buttheirsong,howeversweet,wasinarticulate.

againmr.rochesterpropoundedhisquery:

“isthewanderingandsinful,butnowrest-seekingandrepentant,manjustifiedindaringtheworld’sopinion,inordertoattachtohimforeverthisgentle,gracious,genialstranger,therebysecuringhisownpeaceofmindandregenerationoflife?”

“sir,”ianswered,“awanderer’sreposeorasinner’sreformationshouldneverdependonafellow-creature.menandwomendie;philosophersfalterinwisdom,andchristiansingoodness:ifanyoneyouknowhassufferedanderred,lethimlookhigherthanhisequalsforstrengthtoamendandsolacetoheal.”

“buttheinstrument—theinstrument!god,whodoesthework,ordainstheinstrument.ihavemyself—itellityouwithoutparable—beenaworldly,dissipated,restlessman;andibelieveihavefoundtheinstrumentformycurein—”

hepaused:thebirdswentoncarolling,theleaveslightlyrustling.ialmostwonderedtheydidnotchecktheirsongsandwhisperstocatchthesuspendedrevelation;buttheywouldhavehadtowaitmanyminutes—solongwasthesilenceprotracted.atlastilookedupatthetardyspeaker:hewaslookingeagerlyatme.

“littlefriend,”saidhe,inquiteachangedtone—whilehisfacechangedtoo,losingallitssoftnessandgravity,andbecomingharshandsarcastic—“youhavenoticedmytenderpenchantformissingram:don’tyouthinkifimarriedhershewouldregeneratemewithavengeance?”

hegotupinstantly,wentquitetotheotherendofthewalk,andwhenhecamebackhewashummingatune.

“jane,jane,”saidhe,stoppingbeforeme,“youarequitepalewithyourvigils:don’tyoucursemefordisturbingyourrest?”

“curseyou?no,sir.”

“shakehandsinconfirmationoftheword.whatcoldfingers!theywerewarmerlastnightwhenitouchedthematthedoorofthemysteriouschamber.jane,whenwillyouwatchwithmeagain?”

“whenevericanbeuseful,sir.”

“forinstance,thenightbeforeiammarried!iamsureishallnotbeabletosleep.willyoupromisetositupwithmetobearmecompany?toyouicantalkofmylovelyone:fornowyouhaveseenherandknowher.”

“yes,sir.”

“she’sarareone,isshenot,jane?”

“yes,sir.”

“astrapper—arealstrapper,jane:big,brown,andbuxom;withhairjustsuchastheladiesofcarthagemusthavehad.blessme!there’sdentandlynninthestables!goinbytheshrubbery,throughthatwicket.”

asiwentoneway,hewentanother,andiheardhimintheyard,sayingcheerfully—

“masongotthestartofyouallthismorning;hewasgonebeforesunrise:iroseatfourtoseehimoff.”