第59章

第59章“allrightthen;limpid,salubrious:nogushofbilgewaterhadturnedittofetidpuddle.iwasyourequalateighteen—quiteyourequal.naturemeantmetobe,onthewhole,agoodman,misseyre;oneofthebetterkind,andyouseeiamnotso.youwouldsayyoudon’tseeit;atleastiflattermyselfireadasmuchinyoureye(beware,by-the-bye,whatyouexpresswiththatorgan;iamquickatinterpretingitslanguage).thentakemywordforit,—iamnotavillain:youarenottosupposethat—nottoattributetomeanysuchbademinence;but,owing,iverilybelieve,rathertocircumstancesthantomynaturalbent,iamatritecommonplacesinner,hackneyedinallthepoorpettydissipationswithwhichtherichandworthlesstrytoputonlife.doyouwonderthatiavowthistoyou?know,thatinthecourseofyourfuturelifeyouwilloftenfindyourselfelectedtheinvoluntaryconfidantofyouracquaintances’secrets:peoplewillinstinctivelyfindout,asihavedone,thatitisnotyourfortetotellofyourself,buttolistenwhileotherstalkofthemselves;theywillfeel,too,thatyoulistenwithnomalevolentscornoftheirindiscretion,butwithakindofinnatesympathy;notthelesscomfortingandencouragingbecauseitisveryunobtrusiveinitsmanifestations.”

“howdoyouknow?—howcanyouguessallthis,sir?”

“iknowitwell;thereforeiproceedalmostasfreelyasifiwerewritingmythoughtsinadiary.youwouldsay,ishouldhavebeensuperiortocircumstances;soishould—soishould;butyouseeiwasnot.whenfatewrongedme,ihadnotthewisdomtoremaincool:iturneddesperate;thenidegenerated.now,whenanyvicioussimpletonexcitesmydisgustbyhispaltryribaldry,icannotflattermyselfthatiambetterthanhe:iamforcedtoconfessthatheandiareonalevel.iwishihadstoodfirm—godknowsido!dreadremorsewhenyouaretemptedtoerr,misseyre;remorseisthepoisonoflife.”

“repentanceissaidtobeitscure,sir.”

“itisnotitscure.reformationmaybeitscure;andicouldreform—ihavestrengthyetforthat—if—butwhereistheuseofthinkingofit,hampered,burdened,cursedasiam?besides,sincehappinessisirrevocablydeniedme,ihavearighttogetpleasureoutoflife:andiwillgetit,costwhatitmay.”

“thenyouwilldegeneratestillmore,sir.”

“possibly:yetwhyshouldi,ificangetsweet,freshpleasure?andimaygetitassweetandfreshasthewildhoneythebeegathersonthemoor.”

“itwillsting—itwilltastebitter,sir.”

“howdoyouknow?—younevertriedit.howveryserious—howverysolemnyoulook:andyouareasignorantofthematterasthiscameohead”(takingonefromthemantelpiece).“youhavenorighttopreachtome,youneophyte,thathavenotpassedtheporchoflife,andareabsolutelyunacquaintedwithitsmysteries.”

“ionlyremindyouofyourownwords,sir:yousaiderrorbroughtremorse,andyoupronouncedremorsethepoisonofexistence.”

“andwhotalksoferrornow?iscarcelythinkthenotionthatflitteredacrossmybrainwasanerror.ibelieveitwasaninspirationratherthanatemptation:itwasverygenial,verysoothing—iknowthat.hereitcomesagain!itisnodevil,iassureyou;orifitbe,ithasputontherobesofanangeloflight.ithinkimustadmitsofairaguestwhenitasksentrancetomyheart.”

“distrustit,sir;itisnotatrueangel.”

“oncemore,howdoyouknow?bywhatinstinctdoyoupretendtodistinguishbetweenafallenseraphoftheabyssandamessengerfromtheeternalthrone—betweenaguideandaseducer?”

“ijudgedbyyourcountenance,sir,whichwastroubledwhenyousaidtheestionhadreturneduponyou.ifeelsureitwillworkyoumoremiseryifyoulistentoit.”

“notatall—itbearsthemostgraciousmessageintheworld:fortherest,youarenotmyconscience-keeper,sodon’tmakeyourselfuneasy.here,comein,bonnywanderer!”

hesaidthisasifhespoketoavision,viewlesstoanyeyebuthisown;then,foldinghisarms,whichhehadhalfextended,onhischest,heseemedtoencloseintheirembracetheinvisiblebeing.

“now,”hecontinued,againaddressingme,“ihavereceivedthepilgrim—adisguiseddeity,asiverifybelieve.alreadyithasdonemegood:myheartwasasortofcharnel;itwillnowbeashrine.”

“tospeaktruth,sir,idon’tunderstandyouatall:icannotkeepuptheconversation,becauseithasgotoutofmydepth.onlyonething,iknow:yousaidyouwerenotasgoodasyoushouldliketobe,andthatyouregrettedyourownimperfection;—onethingicancomprehend:youintimatedthattohaveasulliedmemorywasaperpetualbane.itseemstome,thatifyoutriedhard,youwouldintimefinditpossibletobecomewhatyouyourselfwouldapprove;andthatiffromthisdayyoubeganwithresolutiontocorrectyourthoughtsandactions,youwouldinafewyearshavelaidupanewandstainlessstoreofrecollections,towhichyoumightrevertwithpleasure.”

“justlythought;rightlysaid,misseyre;and,atthismoment,iampavinghellwithenergy.”

“sir?”

“iamlayingdowngoodintentions,whichibelievedurableasflint.certainly,myassociatesandpursuitsshallbeotherthantheyhavebeen.”