第20章
第20章“youhadthismorningabreakfastwhichyoucouldnoteat;youmustbehungry:—ihaveorderedthatalunchofbreadandcheeseshallbeservedtoall.”
theteacherslookedatherwithasortofsurprise.“itistobedoneonmyresponsibility,”sheadded,inanexplanatorytonetothem,andimmediatelyafterwardslefttheroom.
thebreadandcheesewaspresentlybroughtinanddistributed,tothehighdelightandrefreshmentofthewholeschool.theorderwasnowgiven“tothegarden!”eachputonacoarsestrawbonnet,withstringsofcolouredcalico,andacloakofgreyfrieze.iwassimilarlyequipped,and,followingthestream,imademywayintotheopenair.
thegardenwasawideinclosure,surroundedwithwallssohighastoexcludeeveryglimpseofprospect;acoveredverandahrandownoneside,andbroadwalksborderedamiddlespacedividedintoscoresoflittlebeds:thesebedswereassignedasgardensforthepupilstocultivate,andeachbedhadanowner.whenfullofflowerstheywoulddoubtlesslookpretty;butnow,atthelatterendofjanuary,allwaswintryblightandbrowndecay.ishudderedasistoodandlookedroundme:itwasaninclementdayforoutdoorexercise;notpositivelyrainy,butdarkenedbyadrizzlingyellowfog;allunderfootwasstillsoakingwetwiththefloodsofyesterday.thestrongeramongthegirlsranaboutandengagedinactivegames,butsundrypaleandthinonesherdedtogetherforshelterandwarmthintheverandah;andamongstthese,asthedensemistpenetratedtotheirshiveringframes,iheardfrequentlythesoundofahollowcough.
asyetihadspokentonoone,nordidanybodyseemtotakenoticeofme;istoodlonelyenough:buttothatfeelingofisolationiwasaccustomed;itdidnotoppressmemuch.ileantagainstapillaroftheverandah,drewmygreymantlecloseaboutme,and,tryingtoforgetthecoldwhichnippedmewithout,andtheunsatisfiedhungerwhichgnawedmewithin,deliveredmyselfuptotheemploymentofwatchingandthinking.myreflectionsweretooundefinedandfragmentarytomeritrecord:ihardlyyetknewwhereiwas;gatesheadandmypastlifeseemedfloatedawaytoanimmeasurabledistance;thepresentwasvagueandstrange,andofthefutureicouldformnoconjecture.ilookedroundtheconvent-likegarden,andthenupatthehouse—alargebuilding,halfofwhichseemedgreyandold,theotherhalfquitenew.thenewpart,containingtheschoolroomanddormitory,waslitbymullionedandlatticedwindows,whichgaveitachurch-likeaspect;astonetabletoverthedoorborethisinscription:—
“lowoodinstitution.—thisportionwasrebuilta.d.—,bynaomibrocklehurst,ofbrocklehursthall,inthiscounty.”“letyourlightsoshinebeforemen,thattheymayseeyourgoodworks,andglorifyyourfatherwhichisinheaven.”—st.matt.v.16.
ireadthesewordsoverandoveragain:ifeltthatanexplanationbelongedtothem,andwasunablefullytopenetratetheirimport.iwasstillponderingthesignificationof“institution,”andendeavouringtomakeoutaconnectionbetweenthefirstwordsandtheverseofscripture,whenthesoundofacoughclosebehindmemademeturnmyhead.isawagirlsittingonastonebenchnear;shewasbentoverabook,ontheperusalofwhichsheseemedintent:fromwhereistoodicouldseethetitle—itwas“rasselas;”anamethatstruckmeasstrange,andconsequentlyattractive.inturningaleafshehappenedtolookup,andisaidtoherdirectly—
“isyourbookinteresting?”ihadalreadyformedtheintentionofaskinghertolendittomesomeday.
“ilikeit,”sheanswered,afterapauseofasecondortwo,duringwhichsheexaminedme.
“whatisitabout?”icontinued.ihardlyknowwhereifoundthehardihoodthustoopenaconversationwithastranger;thestepwascontrarytomynatureandhabits:butithinkheroccupationtouchedachordofsympathysomewhere;foritoolikedreading,thoughofafrivolousandchildishkind;icouldnotdigestorcomprehendtheseriousorsubstantial.
“youmaylookatit,”repliedthegirl,offeringmethebook.
ididso;abriefexaminationconvincedmethatthecontentswerelesstakingthanthetitle:“rasselas”lookeddulltomytriflingtaste;isawnothingaboutfairies,nothingaboutgenii;nobrightvarietyseemedspreadovertheclosely-printedpages.ireturnedittoher;shereceiveditquietly,andwithoutsayinganythingshewasabouttorelapseintoherformerstudiousmood:againiventuredtodisturbher—
“canyoutellmewhatthewritingonthatstoneoverthedoormeans?whatislowoodinstitution?”
“thishousewhereyouarecometolive.”