SCENE.—MR.H——'SApartment.

scene.—mr.h——'sapartment.

mr.h.(solus)waseveranythingsomortifying?toberefusedbyoldmotherdamnable!—withsuchpartsandaddress,—andthelittlesqueamishdevils,todislikemeforaname,asound.—omycursedname!thatitwassomethingicouldberevengedon!ifitwerealive,thatimighttreaduponit,orcrushit,orpummelit,orkickit,orspititout—foritsticksinmythroatandwillchoakme.

myplaguyancestors!iftheyhadleftmebutavanoramac,oranirisho',ithadbeensomethingtoqualifyit.—mynheervanhogsflesh—orsawneymachogsflesh,—orsirphelimo'hogsflesh,—butdownrightblunt———.ifithadbeenanyothernameintheworld,icouldhaveborneit.ifithadbeenthenameofabeast,asbull,fox,kid,lamb,wolf,lion;orofabird,assparrow,hawk,buzzard,daw,finch,nightingale;orofafish,assprat,herring,salmon;orthenameofathing,asginger,hay,wood;orofacolour,asblack,grey,white,green;orofasound,asbray;orthenameofamonth,asmarch,may;orofaplace,asbarnet,baldock,hitchin;orthenameofacoin,asfarthing,penny,twopenny;orofaprofession,asbutcher,baker,carpenter,piper,fisher,fletcher,fowler,glover;orajew'sname,assolomons,isaacs,jacobs;orapersonalname,asfoot,leg,crookshanks,heaviside,sidebottom,longbottom,ramsbottom,winterbottom;oralongname,asblanchenhagen,orblanchenhausen;orashortname,ascrib,crisp,crips,tag,trot,tub,phips,padge,papps,orprig,orwig,orpip,ortrip;triphadbeensomething,butho———.

(walksaboutingreatagitation,—recoveringhiscalmnessalittle,sitsdown.)

farewellthemostdistantthoughtsofmarriage;thefinger-circlingring,thepurity-figuringglove,theenvy-piningbride-maids,thewishingparson,andthesimperingclerk.farewell,theambiguousblush-raisingjoke,thetitter-provokingpun,themorning-stirringdrum.—nosonofmineshallexist,tobearmyill-fatedname.nonursecomechuckling,totellmeitisaboy.nomidwife,leeringatmefromunderthelidsofprofessionalgravity.idreamedofcaudle.(singsinamelancholytone)lullaby,lullaby,—hush-a-by-baby—howlikeitspapaitis!—(makesmotionsasifhewasnursing).andthen,whengrownup,"isthisyourson,sir?""yes,sir,apoorcopyofme,—asadyoungdog,—justwhathisfatherwasathisage,—ihavefourmoreathome."oh!oh!oh!

enterlandlord.

mr.h.

landlord,imustpackupto-night;youwillseeallmythingsgotready.

landlordhopeyourhonordoesnotintendtoquittheblueboar,—sorryanythinghashappened.

mr.h.

hehashearditall.

landlordyourhonourhashadsomemortification,tobesure,asamanmaysay;youhavebroughtyourpigstoafinemarket.

mr.h.

pigs!

landlordwhatthen?takeoldpry'sadvice,andnevermindit.don'tscorchyourcracklingfor'em,sir.

mr.h.scorchmycrackling!aqueerphrase;butisupposehedon'tmeantoaffrontme.

landlordwhatisdonecan'tbeundone;youcan'tmakeasilkenpurseoutofasow'sear.

mr.h.

asyousay,landlord,thinkingofathingdoesbutaugmentit.

landlord

doesbuthogmentit,indeed,sir.

mr.h.hogmentit!damnit,isaid,augmentit.

landlordlord,sir,'tisnoteverybodyhassuchgiftoffinephrasesasyourhonour,thatcanlardhisdiscourse.

mr.h.

lard!

landlord

supposetheydosmokeyou—

mr.h.

smokeme?

landlordoneofmyphrases;nevermindmywords,sir,mymeaningisgood.weallmeanthesamething,onlyyouexpressyourselfoneway,andianother,that'sall.themeaning'sthesame;itisallpork.

mr.h.

that'sanotherofyourphrases,ipresume.(bellrings,andthe

landlordcalledfor.)

landlord

anon,anon.

mr.h.

o,iwishiwereanonymous.

[exeuntseveralways.]