Chapter112

josiahgravesinhismasterfulwaymadearrangements,becomingbuteconomical,forthefuneral;andwhenitwasovercamebacktothevicaragewithphilip.thewillwasinhischarge,andwithaduesenseofthefitnessofthingshereadittophilipoveranearlycupoftea.itwaswrittenonhalfasheetofpaperandlefteverythingmr.careyhadtohisnephew.therewasthefurniture,abouteightypoundsatthebank,twentysharesinthea.b.c.company,afewinallsop’sbrewery,someintheoxfordmusic-hall,andafewmoreinalondonrestaurant.theyhadbeenboughtundermr.graves’direction,andhetoldphilipwithsatisfaction:

“yousee,peoplemusteat,theywilldrink,andtheywantamusement.you’realwayssafeifyouputyourmoneyinwhatthepublicthinksnecessities.”  hiswordsshowedanicediscriminationbetweenthegrossnessofthevulgar,whichhedeploredbutaccepted,andthefinertasteoftheelect.altogetherininvestmentstherewasaboutfivehundredpounds;andtothatmustbeaddedthebalanceatthebankandwhatthefurniturewouldfetch.itwasrichestophilip.hewasnothappybutinfinitelyrelieved.

mr.graveslefthim,aftertheyhaddiscussedtheauctionwhichmustbeheldassoonaspossible,andphilipsathimselfdowntogothroughthepapersofthedeceased.therev.williamcareyhadpridedhimselfonneverdestroyinganything,andtherewerepilesofcorrespondencedatingbackforfiftyyearsandbundlesuponbundlesofneatlydocketedbills.hehadkeptnotonlylettersaddressedtohim,butletterswhichhimself

hadwritten.therewasayellowpacketofletterswhichhehadwrittentohisfatherintheforties,whenasanoxfordundergraduatehehadgonetogermanyforthelongvacation.philipreadthemidly.itwasadifferentwilliamcareyfromthewilliamcareyhehadknown,andyetthereweretracesintheboywhichmighttoanacuteobserverhaveestedtheman.theletterswereformalandalittlestilted.heshowedhimselfstrenuoustoseeallthatwasnoteworthy,andhedescribedwithafineenthusiasmthecastlesoftherhine.thefallsofschaffhausenmadehim‘offerreverentthankstotheall-powerfulcreatoroftheuniverse,whoseworkswerewondrousandbeautiful,’andhecouldnothelpthinkingthattheywholivedinsightof‘thishandiworkoftheirblessedmakermustbemovedbythecontemplationtoleadpureandholylives.’amongsomebillsphilipfoundaminiaturewhichhadbeenpaintedofwilliamcareysoonafterhewasordained.itrepresentedathinyoungcurate,withlonghairthatfelloverhisheadinnaturalcurls,withdarkeyes,largeanddreamy,andapaleasceticface.philiprememberedthechucklewithwhichhisuncleusedtotellofthedozensofslipperswhichwereworkedforhimbyadoringladies.

therestoftheafternoonandalltheeveningphiliptoiledthroughtheinnumerablecorrespondence.heglancedattheaddressandatthesignature,thentoretheletterintwoandthrewitintothewashing-basketbyhisside.suddenlyhecameupononesignedhelen.hedidnotknowthewriting.itwasthin,angular,andold-fashioned.itbegan:mydearwilliam,andended:youraffectionatesister.thenitstruckhimthatitwasfromhisownmother.hehadneverseenaletterofhersbefore,andherhandwritingwasstrangetohim.itwasabouthimself.

mydearwilliam,

stephenwrotetoyoutothankyouforyourcongratulationsonthebirthofoursonandyourkindwishestomyself.thankgodwearebothwellandiamdeeplythankfulforthegreatmercywhichhasbeenshownme.nowthaticanholdapeniwanttotellyouanddearlouisamyselfhowtrulygratefuliamtoyoubothforallyourkindnesstomenowandalwayssincemymarriage.iamgoingtoaskyoutodomeagreatfavour.bothstephenandiwishyoutobetheboy’sgodfather,andwehopethatyouwillconsent.iknowiamnotaskingasmallthing,foriamsureyouwilltaketheresponsibilitiesofthepositionveryseriously,butiamespeciallyanxiousthatyoushouldundertakethisofficebecauseyouareaclergymanaswellastheboy’suncle.iamveryanxiousfortheboy’swelfareandipraygodnightanddaythathemaygrowintoagood,honest,andchristianman.withyoutoguidehimihopethathewillbecomeasoldierinchrist’sfaithandbeallthedaysofhislifegod-fearing,humble,andpious.

youraffectionatesister,helen.

philippushedtheletterawayand,leaningforward,restedhisfaceonhishands.itdeeplytouchedandatthesametimesurprisedhim.hewasastonishedatitsreligioustone,whichseemedtohimneithermawkishnorsentimental.heknewnothingofhismother,deadnowfornearlytwentyyears,butthatshewasbeautiful,anditwasstrangetolearnthatshewassimpleandpious.hehadneverthoughtofthatsideofher.hereadagainwhatshesaidabouthim,whatsheexpectedandthoughtabouthim;hehadturnedoutverydifferently;helookedathimselfforamoment;perhapsitwasbetterthatshewasdead.thenasuddenimpulsecausedhimtotearuptheletter;itstendernessandsimplicitymadeitseempeculiarlyprivate;hehadaqueerfeelingthattherewassomethingindecentinhisreadingwhatexposedhismother’sgentlesoul.hewentonwiththevicar’sdrearycorrespondence.

afewdayslaterhewentuptolondon,andforthefirsttimefortwoyearsenteredbydaythehallofst.luke’shospital.hewenttoseethesecretaryofthemedicalschool;hewassurprisedtoseehimandaskedphilipcuriouslywhathehadbeendoing.philip’sexperienceshadgivenhimacertainconfidenceinhimselfandadifferentoutlookuponmanythings:suchaquestionwouldhaveembarrassedhimbefore;butnowheansweredcoolly,withadeliberatevaguenesswhichpreventedfurtherinquiry,thatprivateaffairshadobligedhimtomakeabreakinthecurriculum;hewasnowanxioustoqualifyassoonaspossible.thefirstexaminationhecouldtakewasinmidwiferyandthediseasesofwomen,andheputhisnamedowntobeaclerkinthewarddevotedtofeminineailments;sinceitwasholidaytimetherehappenedtobenodifficultyingettingapostasobstetricclerk;hearrangedtoundertakethatdutyduringthelastweekofaugustandthefirsttwoofseptember.afterthisinterviewphilipwalkedthroughthemedicalschool,moreorlessdeserted,fortheexaminationsattheendofthesummersessionwereallover;andhewanderedalongtheterracebytheriver-side.hisheartwasfull.hethoughtthatnowhecouldbeginanewlife,andhewouldputbehindhimalltheerrors,follies,andmiseriesofthepast.theflowingriverestedthateverythingpassed,waspassingalways,andnothingmattered;thefuturewasbeforehimrichwithpossibilities.

hewentbacktoblackstableandbusiedhimselfwiththesettlingupofhisuncle’sestate.theauctionwasfixedforthemiddleofaugust,whenthepresenceofvisitorsforthesummerholidayswouldmakeitpossibletogetbetterprices.cataloguesweremadeoutandsenttothevariousdealersinsecond-handbooksattercanbury,maidstone,andashford.

oneafternoonphiliptookitintohisheadtogoovertotercanburyandseehisoldschool.hehadnotbeentheresincethedaywhen,withreliefinhisheart,hehadleftitwiththefeelingthatthenceforwardhewashisownmaster.itwasstrangetowanderthroughthenarrowstreetsoftercanburywhichhehadknownsowellforsomanyyears.helookedattheoldshops,stillthere,stillsellingthesamethings;thebooksellerswithschool-books,piousworks,andthelatestnovelsinonewindowandphotographsofthecathedralandofthecityintheother;thegamesshop,withitscricketbats,fishingtackle,tennisrackets,andfootballs;thetailorfromwhomhehadgotclothesallthroughhisboyhood;andthefishmongerwherehisunclewheneverhecametotercanburyboughtfish.hewanderedalongthesordidstreetinwhich,behindahighwall,laytheredbrickhousewhichwasthepreparatoryschool.furtheronwasthegatewaythatledintoking’sschool,andhestoodinthequadrangleroundwhichwerethevariousbuildings.itwasjustfourandtheboyswerehurryingoutofschool.hesawthemastersintheirgownsandmortar-boards,andtheywerestrangetohim.itwasmorethantenyearssincehehadleftandmanychangeshadtakenplace.hesawtheheadmaster;hewalkedslowlydownfromtheschoolhousetohisown,talkingtoabigboywhophilipsupposedwasinthesixth;hewaslittlechanged,tall,cadaverous,romanticasphiliprememberedhim,withthesamewildeyes;buttheblackbeardwasstreakedwithgraynowandthedark,sallowfacewasmoredeeplylined.philiphadanimpulsetogoupandspeaktohim,buthewasafraidhewouldhaveforgottenhim,andhehatedthethoughtofexplainingwhohewas.

boyslingeredtalkingtooneanother,andpresentlysomewhohadhurriedtochangecameouttoplayfives;othersledoutintwosandthreesandwentoutofthegateway,philipknewtheyweregoinguptothecricketground;othersagainwentintotheprecincts

tobatatthenets.philipstoodamongthemastranger;oneortwogavehimanindifferentglance;butvisitors,attractedbythenormanstaircase,werenotrareandexcitedlittleattention.philiplookedatthemcuriously.hethoughtwithmelancholyofthedistancethatseparatedhimfromthem,andhethoughtbitterlyhowmuchhehadwantedtodoandhowlittledone.itseemedtohimthatallthoseyears,vanishedbeyondrecall,hadbeenutterlywasted.theboys,freshandbuoyant,weredoingthesamethingsthathehaddone,itseemedthatnotadayhadpassedsincehelefttheschool,andyetinthatplacewhereatleastbynamehehadknowneverybodynowheknewnotasoul.inafewyearsthesetoo,otherstakingtheirplace,wouldstandalienashestood;butthereflectionbroughthimnosolace;itmerelyimpresseduponhimthefutilityofhumanexistence.eachgenerationrepeatedthetrivialround.hewonderedwhathadbecomeoftheboyswhowerehiscompanions:theywerenearlythirtynow;somewouldbedead,butothersweremarriedandhadchildren;theyweresoldiersandparsons,doctors,lawyers;theywerestaidmenwhowerebeginningtoputyouthbehindthem.hadanyofthemmadesuchahashoflifeashe?hethoughtoftheboyhehadbeendevotedto;itwasfunny,hecouldnotrecallhisname;herememberedexactlywhathelookedlike,hehadbeenhisgreatestfriend;buthisnamewouldnotcomebacktohim.helookedbackwithamusementonthejealousemotionshehadsufferedonhisaccount.itwasirritatingnottorecollecthisname.helongedtobeaboyagain,likethosehesawsaunteringthroughthequadrangle,sothat,avoidinghismistakes,hemightstartfreshandmakesomethingmoreoutoflife.hefeltanintolerableloneliness.healmostregrettedthepenurywhichhehadsufferedduringthelasttwoyears,sincethedesperatelemerelytokeepbodyandsoultogetherhaddeadenedthepainofliving.inthesweatofthybrowshaltthouearnthydailybread:itwasnotacurseuponmankind,butthebalmwhichreconciledittoexistence.

butphilipwasimpatientwithhimself;hecalledtomindhisideaofthepatternoflife:theunhappinesshehadsufferedwasnomorethanpartofadecorationwhichwaselaborateandbeautiful;hetoldhimselfstrenuouslythathemustacceptwithgaietyeverything,drearinessandexcitement,pleasureandpain,becauseitaddedtotherichnessofthedesign.hesoughtforbeautyconsciously,andherememberedhowevenasaboyhehadtakenpleasureinthegothiccathedralasonesawitfromtheprecincts;hewentthereandlookedatthemassivepile,grayunderthecloudysky,withthecentraltowerthatroselikethepraiseofmentotheirgod;buttheboyswerebattingatthenets,andtheywerelissomandstrongandactive;hecouldnothelphearingtheirshoutsandlaughter.thecryofyouthwasinsistent,andhesawthebeautifulthingbeforehimonlywithhiseyes.