Chapter90

whenhelefttheathelnys’philipwalkeddownchancerylaneandalongthestrandtogeta‘busatthetopofparliamentstreet.onesunday,whenhehadknownthemaboutsixweeks,hedidthisasusual,buthefoundthekennington‘busfull.itwasjune,butithadrainedduringthedayandthenightwasrawandcold.hewalkeduptoadillycircusinordertogetaseat;the‘buswaitedatthefountain,andwhenitarrivedthereseldomhadmorethantwoorthreepeopleinit.thisserviceraneveryquarterofanhour,andhehadsometimetowait.helookedidlyatthecrowd.thepublic-houseswereclosing,andthereweremanypeopleabout.hismindwasbusywiththeideasathelnyhadthecharminggiftofesting.

suddenlyhisheartstoodstill.hesawmildred.hehadnotthoughtofherforweeks.shewascrossingoverfromthecornerofshaftesburyavenueandstoppedatthesheltertillastringofcabspassedby.shewaswatchingheropportunityandhadnoeyesforanythingelse.sheworealargeblackstrawhatwithamassoffeathersonitandablacksilkdress;atthattimeitwasfashionableforwomentoweartrains;theroadwasclear,andmildredcrossed,herskirttrailingontheground,andwalkeddownadilly.philip,hisheartbeatingexcitedly,followedher.hedidnotwishtospeaktoher,buthewonderedwhereshewasgoingatthathour;hewantedtogetalookatherface.shewalkedslowlyalongandturneddownairstreetandsogotthroughintoregentstreet.shewalkedupagaintowardsthecircus.philipwaspuzzled.hecouldnotmakeoutwhatshewasdoing.perhapsshewaswaitingforsomebody,andhefeltagreatcuriositytoknowwhoitwas.sheovertookashortmaninabowlerhat,whowasstrollingveryslowlyinthesamedirectionasherself;shegavehimasidelongglanceasshepassed.shewalkedafewstepsmoretillshecametoswanandedgar’s,thenstoppedandwaited,facingtheroad.whenthemancameupshesmiled.themanstaredatherforamoment,turnedawayhishead,andsaunteredon.thenphilipunderstood.

hewasoverwhelmedwithhorror.foramomenthefeltsuchaweaknessinhislegsthathecouldhardlystand;thenhewalkedafterherquickly;hetouchedheronthearm.

“mildred.”  sheturnedroundwithaviolentstart.hethought

thatshereddened,butintheobscurityhecouldnotseeverywell.forawhiletheystoodandlookedatoneanotherwithoutspeaking.atlastshesaid:

“fancyseeingyou!”

hedidnotknowwhattoanswer;hewashorriblyshaken;andthephrasesthatchasedoneanotherthroughhisbrainseemedincrediblymelodramatic.

“it’sawful,”hegasped,almosttohimself.

shedidnotsayanythingmore,sheturnedawayfromhim,andlookeddownatthepavement.hefeltthathisfacewasdistortedwithmisery.

“isn’tthereanywherewecangoandtalk?”

“idon’twanttotalk,”shesaidsullenly.“leavemealone,can’tyou?”

thethoughtstruckhimthatperhapsshewasinurgentneedofmoneyandcouldnotaffordtogoawayatthathour.

“i’vegotacoupleofsovereignsonmeifyou’rehardup,”heblurtedout.

“idon’tknowwhatyoumean.iwasjustwalkingalonghereonmywaybacktomylodgings.iexpectedtomeetoneofthegirlsfromwhereiwork.”

“forgod’ssakedon’tlienow,”hesaid.

thenhesawthatshewascrying,andherepeatedhisquestion.

“can’twegoandtalksomewhere?can’ticomebacktoyourrooms?”

“no,youcan’tdothat,”shesobbed.“i’mnotallowedtotakegentlemeninthere.ifyoulikei’llmeetyoutomorrow.”

hefeltcertainthatshewouldnotkeepanappointment.hewasnotgoingtolethergo.

“no.youmusttakemesomewherenow.”

“well,thereisaroomiknow,butthey’llchargesixshillingsforit.”

“idon’tmindthat.whereisit?”

shegavehimtheaddress,andhecalledacab.theydrovetoashabbystreetbeyondthebritishmuseum

intheneighbourhoodofthegray’sinnroad,andshestoppedthecabatthecorner.

“theydon’tlikeyoutodriveuptothedoor,”shesaid.

theywerethefirstwordseitherofthemhadspokensincegettingintothecab.theywalkedafewyardsandmildredknockedthreetimes,sharply,atadoor.philipnoticedinthefanlightacardboardonwhichwasanannouncementthatapartmentsweretolet.thedoorwasopenedquietly,andanelderly,tallwomanletthemin.shegavephilipastareandthenspoketomildredinanundertone.mildredledphilipalongapassagetoaroomattheback.itwasquitedark;sheaskedhimforamatch,andlitthegas;therewasnoglobe,andthegasflaredshrilly.philipsawthathewasinadingylittlebed-roomwithasuiteoffurniture,paintedtolooklikepinemuchtoolargeforit;thelacecurtainswereverydirty;thegratewashiddenbyalargepaperfan.mildredsankonthechairwhichstoodbythesideofthechimney-piece.philipsatontheedgeofthebed.hefeltashamed.hesawnowthatmildred’scheekswerethickwithrouge,hereyebrowswereblackened;butshelookedthinandill,andtheredonhercheekseratedthegreenishpallorofherskin.shestaredatthepaperfaninalistlessfashion.philipcouldnotthinkwhattosay,andhehadachokinginhisthroatasifheweregoingtocry.hecoveredhiseyeswithhishands.

“mygod,itisawful,”hegroaned.

“idon’tknowwhatyou’vegottofussabout.ishouldhavethoughtyou’dhavebeenratherpleased.”

philipdidnotanswer,andinamomentshebrokeintoasob.

“youdon’tthinkidoitbecauseilikeit,doyou?”

“oh,mydear,”hecried.“i’msosorry,i’msoawfullysorry.”

“that’lldomeafatlotofgood.”

againphilipfoundnothingtosay.hewasdesperatelyafraidofsayinganythingwhichshemighttakeforareproachorasneer.

“where’sthebaby?”heaskedatlast.

“i’vegotherwithmeinlondon.ihadn’tgotthemoneytokeepheronatbrighton,soihadtotakeher.i’vegotaroomuphighburyway.itoldthemiwasonthestage.it’salongwaytohavetocomedowntothewestendeveryday,butit’sararejobtofindanyonewho’lllettoladiesatall.”

“wouldn’ttheytakeyoubackattheshop?”

“icouldn’tgetanyworktodoanywhere.iwalkedmylegsofflookingforwork.ididgetajobonce,butiwasoffforaweekbecauseiwasqueer,andwheniwentbacktheysaidtheydidn’twantmeanymore.youcan’tblamethemeither,canyou?themplaces,theycan’taffordtohavegirlsthataren’tstrong.”

“youdon’tlookverywellnow,”saidphilip.

“iwasn’tfittocomeouttonight,buticouldn’thelpmyself,iwantedthemoney.iwrotetoemilandtoldhimiwasbroke,butheneverevenansweredtheletter.”

“youmighthavewrittentome.”

“ididn’tliketo,notafterwhathappened,andididn’twantyoutoknowiwasindifficulties.ishouldn’thavebeensurprisedifyou’djusttoldmei’donlygotwhatideserved.”

“youdon’tknowmeverywell,doyou,evennow?”

foramomentherememberedalltheanguishhehadsufferedonheraccount,andhewassickwiththerecollectionofhispain.butitwasnomorethanrecollection.whenhelookedatherheknewthathenolongerlovedher.hewasverysorryforher,buthewasgladtobefree.watchinghergravely,heaskedhimselfwhyhehadbeensobesottedwithpassionforher.

“you’reagentlemanineverysenseoftheword,”shesaid.“you’retheonlyonei’veevermet.”shepausedforaminuteandthenflushed.“ihateasking

you,philip,butcanyousparemeanything?”

“it’sluckyi’vegotsomemoneyonme.i’mafraidi’veonlygottwopounds.”

hegaveherthesovereigns.

“i’llpayyouback,philip.”

“oh,that’sallright,”hesmiled.“youneedn’tworry.”

hehadsaidnothingthathewantedtosay.theyhadtalkedasifthewholethingwerenatural;anditlookedasthoughshewouldgonow,backtothehorrorofherlife,andhewouldbeabletodonothingtopreventit.shehadgotuptotakethemoney,andtheywerebothstanding.