Chapter59

philippassedtheeveningwretchedly.hehadtoldhislandladythathewouldnotbein,sotherewasnothingforhimtoeat,andhehadtogotogatti’sfordinner.afterwardshewentbacktohisrooms,butgriffithsonthefloorabovehimwashavingaparty,andthenoisymerrimentmadehisownmiserymorehardtobear.hewenttoamusic-hall,butitwassaturdaynightandtherewasstanding-roomonly:afterhalfanhourofboredomhislegsgrewtiredandhewenthome.hetriedtoread,buthecouldnotfixhisattention;andyetitwasnecessarythatheshouldworkhard.hisexaminationinbiologywasinlittlemorethanafortnight,and,thoughitwaseasy,hehadneglectedhislecturesoflateandwasconsciousthatheknewnothing.itwasonlyaviva,however,andhefeltsurethatinafortnighthecouldfindoutenoughaboutthesubjecttoscrapethrough.hehadconfidenceinhisintelligence.hethrewasidehisbookandgavehimselfuptothinkingdeliberatelyofthematterwhichwasinhismindallthetime.

hereproachedhimselfbitterlyforhisbehaviourthatevening.whyhadhegivenherthealternativethatshemustdinewithhimorelseneverseehimagain?ofcoursesherefused.heshouldhaveallowedforherpride.hehadburnthisshipsbehindhim.itwouldnotbesohardtobearifhethoughtthatshewassufferingnow,butheknewhertoowell:shewasperfectlyindifferenttohim.ifhehadn’tbeenafoolhewouldhavepretendedtobelieveherstory;heoughttohavehadthestrengthtoconcealhisdisappointmentandtheself-controltomasterhistemper.hecouldnottellwhyhelovedher.hehadreadoftheidealisationthattakesplaceinlove,buthesawherexactlyasshewas.shewasnotamusingorclever,hermindwascommon;shehadavulgarshrewdnesswhichrevoltedhim,shehadnogentlenessnorsoftness.asshewouldhaveputitherself,shewasonthemake.whatarousedheradmirationwasaclevertrickplayedonanunsuspectingperson;to‘do’somebodyalwaysgavehersatisfaction.philiplaughedsavagelyashethoughtofhergentilityandtherefinementwithwhichsheateherfood;shecouldnotbearacoarseword,sofarasherlimitedvocabularyreachedshehadapassionforeuphemisms,andshescentedindecencyeverywhere;sheneverspokeoftrousersbutreferredtothemasnethergarments;shethoughtitslightlyindelicatetoblowhernoseanddiditinadeprecatingway.shewasdreadfullyanaemicandsufferedfromthedyspepsiawhichaccompaniesthatailing.philipwasrepelledbyherflatbreastandnarrowhips,andhehatedthevulgarwayinwhichshedidherhair.heloathedanddespisedhimselfforlovingher.

thefactremainedthathewashelpless.hefeltjustashehadfeltsometimesinthehandsofaerboyatschool.hehadledagainstthesuperiorstrengthtillhisownstrengthwasgone,andhewasrenderedquitepowerless—herememberedthepeculiarlanguorhehadfeltinhislimbs,almostasthoughhewereparalysed—sothathecouldnothelphimselfatall.hemighthavebeendead.hefeltjustthatsameweaknessnow.helovedthewomansothatheknewhehadneverlovedbefore.hedidnotmindherfaultsofpersonorofcharacter,hethoughthelovedthemtoo:atalleventstheymeantnothingtohim.itdidnotseemhimselfthatwasconcerned;hefeltthathehadbeenseizedbysomestrangeforcethatmovedhimagainsthiswill,contrarytohisinterests;andbecausehehadapassionforfreedomhehatedthechainswhichboundhim.helaughedathimselfwhenhethoughthowoftenhehadlongedtoexperiencetheoverwhelmingpassion.hecursedhimselfbecausehehadgivenwaytoit.hethoughtofthebeginnings;nothingofallthiswouldhavehappenedifhehadnotgoneintotheshopwithdunsford.thewholethingwashisownfault.exceptforhisridiculousvanityhewouldneverhavetroubledhimselfwiththeill-manneredslut.

atalleventstheoccurrencesofthateveninghadfinishedthewholeaffair.unlesshewaslosttoallsenseofshamehecouldnotgoback.hewantedpassionatelytogetridofthelovethatobsessedhim;itwasdegradingandhateful.hemustpreventhimselffromthinkingofher.inalittlewhiletheanguishhesufferedmustgrowless.hismindwentbacktothepast.hewonderedwhetheremilywilkinsonandfannypricehadenduredonhisaccountanythinglikethetormentthathesufferednow.hefeltapangofremorse.

“ididn’tknowthenwhatitwaslike,”hesaidtohimself.

hesleptverybadly.thenextdaywassunday,andheworkedathisbiology.hesatwiththebookinfrontofhim,formingthewordswithhislipsinordertofixhisattention,buthecouldremembernothing.hefoundhisthoughtsgoingbacktomildredeveryminute,andherepeatedtohimselftheexactwordsofthequarreltheyhadhad.hehadtoforcehimselfbacktohisbook.hewentoutforawalk.thestreetsonthesouthsideoftheriverweredingyenoughonweek-days,buttherewasanenergy,acomingandgoing,whichgave

themasordidvivacity;butonsundays,withnoshopsopen,nocartsintheroadway,silentanddepressed,theywereindescribablydreary.philipthoughtthatdaywouldneverend.buthewassotiredthathesleptheavily,andwhenmondaycameheentereduponlifewithdetermination.christmaswasapproaching,andagoodmanyofthestudentshadgoneintothecountryfortheshortholidaybetweenthetwopartsofthewintersession;butphiliphadrefusedhisuncle’sinvitationtogodowntoblackstable.hehadgiventheapproachingexaminationashisexcuse,butinpointoffacthehadbeenunwillingtoleavelondonandmildred.hehadneglectedhisworksomuchthatnowhehadonlyafortnighttolearnwhatthecurriculumallowedthreemonthsfor.hesettoworkseriously.hefounditeasiereachdaynottothinkofmildred.hecongratulatedhimselfonhisforceofcharacter.thepainhesufferedwasnolongeranguish,butasortofsoreness,likewhatonemightbeexpectedtofeelifonehadbeenthrownoffahorseand,thoughnoboneswerebroken,werebruisedalloverandshaken.philipfoundthathewasabletoobservewithcuriositytheconditionhehadbeeninduringthelastfewweeks.heanalysedhisfeelingswithinterest.hewasalittleamusedathimself.onethingthatstruckhimwashowlittleunderthosecircumstancesitmatteredwhatonethought;thesystemofpersonalphilosophy,whichhadgivenhimgreatsatisfactiontodevise,hadnotservedhim.hewaspuzzledbythis.

butsometimesinthestreethewouldseeagirlwholookedsolikemildredthathisheartseemedtostopbeating.thenhecouldnothelphimself,hehurriedontocatchherup,eagerandanxious,onlytofindthatitwasatotalstranger.mencamebackfromthecountry,andhewentwithdunsfordtohaveteaatana.b.c.shop.thewell-knownuniformmadehimsomiserablethathecouldnotspeak.thethoughtcametohimthatperhapsshehadbeentransferredtoanotherestablishmentofthefirmforwhichsheworked,andhemightsuddenlyfindhimselffacetofacewithher.theideafilledhimwithpanic,sothathefeareddunsfordwouldseethatsomethingwasthematterwithhim:hecouldnotthinkofanythingtosay;hepretendedtolistentowhatdunsfordwastalkingabout;theconversationmaddenedhim;anditwasallhecoulddotopreventhimselffromcryingouttodunsfordforheaven’ssaketoholdhistongue.

thencamethedayofhisexamination.philip,whenhisturnarrived,wentforwardtotheexaminer’stablewiththeutmostconfidence.heansweredthreeorfourquestions.thentheyshowedhimvariousspecimens;hehadbeentoveryfewlecturesand,assoonashewasaskedaboutthingswhichhecouldnotlearnfrombooks,hewasfloored.hedidwhathecouldtohidehisignorance,theexaminerdidnotinsist,andsoonhistenminuteswereover.hefeltcertainhehadpassed;butnextday,whenhewentuptotheexaminationbuildingstoseetheresultpostedonthedoor,hewasastoundednottofindhisnumberamongthosewhohadsatisfiedtheexaminers.inamazementhereadthelistthreetimes.dunsfordwaswithhim.

“isay,i’mawfullysorryyou’reploughed,”hesaid.

hehadjustinquiredphilip’snumber.philipturnedandsawbyhisradiantfacethatdunsfordhadpassed.

“oh,itdoesn’tmatterabit,”saidphilip.“i’mjollygladyou’reallright.ishallgoupagaininjuly.”  hewasveryanxioustopretendhedidnotmind,andontheirwaybackalongtheembankmentinsistedontalkingofindifferentthings.dunsfordgood-naturedlywantedtodiscussthecausesofphilip’sfailure,butphilipwasobstinatelycasual.hewashorriblymortified;andthefactthatdunsford,whomhelookeduponasaverypleasantbutquitestupidfellow,hadpassedmadehisownrebuffhardertobear.hehadalwaysbeenproudofhisintelligence,andnowheaskedhimselfdesperatelywhetherhewasnotmistakenintheopinionheheldofhimself.inthethreemonthsofthewintersessionthestudentswhohadjoinedinoctoberhadalreadyshakendownintogroups,anditwasclearwhichwerebrilliant,whichwerecleverorindustrious,andwhichwere‘rotters.’philipwasconsciousthathisfailurewasasurprisetonoonebuthimself.itwastea-time,andheknewthatalotofmenwouldbehavingteainthebasementofthemedicalschool:thosewhohadpassedtheexaminationwouldbeexultant,thosewhodislikedhimwouldlookathimwithsatisfaction,andthepoordevilswhohadfailedwouldsympathisewithhiminordertoreceivesympathy.hisinstinctwasnottogonearthehospitalforaweek,whentheaffairwouldbenomorethoughtof,but,becausehehatedsomuchtogojustthen,hewent:hewantedtoinflictsufferinguponhimself.heforgotforthemomenthismaximoflifetofollowhisinclinationswithdueregardforthepolicemanroundthecorner;or,ifheactedinaccordancewithit,theremusthavebeensomestrangemorbidityinhisnaturewhichmadehimtakeagrimpleasureinself-torture.butlateron,whenhehadenduredtheordealtowhichheforcedhimself,goingoutintothenightafterthenoisyconversationinthesmoking-room,hewasseizedwithafeelingofutterloneliness.heseemedtohimselfabsurdandfutile.hehadanurgentneedofconsolation,andthetemptationtoseemildredwasirresistible.hethoughtbitterlythattherewassmallchanceofconsolationfromher;buthewantedtoseeherevenifhedidnotspeaktoher;afterall,shewasawaitressandwouldbeobligedtoservehim.shewastheonlypersonintheworldhecaredfor.therewasnouseinhidingthatfactfromhimself.ofcourseitwouldbehumiliatingtogobacktotheshopasthoughnothinghadhappened,buthehadnotmuchself-respectleft.thoughhewouldnotconfessittohimself,hehadhopedeachdaythatshewouldwritetohim;sheknewthataletteraddressedtothehospitalwouldfindhim;butshehadnotwritten:itwasevidentthatshecarednothingifshesawhimagainornot.andhekeptonrepeatingtohimself:

“imustseeher.imustseeher.”

thedesirewassogreatthathecouldnotgivethetimenecessarytowalk,butjumpedinacab.hewastoothriftytouseonewhenitcouldpossiblybeavoided.hestoodoutsidetheshopforaminuteortwo.thethoughtcametohimthatperhapsshehadleft,andinterrorhewalkedinquickly.hesawheratonce.hesatdownandshecameuptohim.

“acupofteaandamuffin,please,”heordered.

hecouldhardlyspeak.hewasafraidforamomentthathewasgoingtocry.

“ialmostthoughtyouwasdead,”shesaid.

shewassmiling.smiling!sheseemedtohaveforgottencompletelythatlastscenewhichphiliphadrepeatedtohimselfahundredtimes.

“ithoughtifyou’dwantedtoseemeyou’dwrite,”heanswered.

“i’vegottoomuchtodotothinkaboutwritingletters.”

itseemedimpossibleforhertosayagraciousthing.philipcursedthefatewhichchainedhimtosuchawoman.shewentawaytofetchhistea.“wouldyoulikemetositdownforaminuteortwo?”shesaid,whenshebroughtit.

“yes.”

“wherehaveyoubeenallthistime?”

“i’vebeeninlondon.”

“ithoughtyou’dgoneawayfortheholidays.whyhaven’tyoubeeninthen?”

philiplookedatherwithard,passionateeyes.

“don’tyourememberthatisaidi’dneverseeyouagain?”

“whatareyoudoingnowthen?”

sheseemedanxioustomakehimdrinkupthecupofhishumiliation;butheknewherwellenoughtoknow

thatshespokeatrandom;shehurthimfrightfully,andnevereventriedto.hedidnotanswer.

“itwasanastytrickyouplayedonme,spyingonmelikethat.ialwaysthoughtyouwasagentlemanineverysenseoftheword.”

“don’tbebeastlytome,mildred.ican’tbearit.”

“youareafunnyfeller.ican’tmakeyouout.”

“it’sverysimple.i’msuchablastedfoolastoloveyouwithallmyheartandsoul,andiknowthatyoudon’tcaretwopenceforme.”

“ifyouhadbeenagentlemanithinkyou’dhavecomenextdayandedmypardon.”

shehadnomercy.helookedatherneckandthoughthowhewouldliketojabitwiththeknifehehadforhismuffin.heknewenoughanatomytomakeprettycertainofgettingthecarotidartery.andatthesametimehewantedtocoverherpale,thinfacewithkisses.

“ificouldonlymakeyouunderstandhowfrightfullyi’minlovewithyou.”

“youhaven’tedmypardonyet.”

hegrewverywhite.shefeltthatshehaddonenothingwrongonthatoccasion.shewantedhimnowtohumblehimself.hewasveryproud.foroneinstanthefeltinclinedtotellhertogotohell,buthedarednot.hispassionmadehimabject.hewaswillingtosubmittoanythingratherthannotseeher.

“i’mverysorry,mildred.ibegyourpardon.”

hehadtoforcethewordsout.itwasahorribleeffort.

“nowyou’vesaidthatidon’tmindtellingyouthatiwishihadcomeoutwithyouthatevening.ithoughtmillerwasagentleman,buti’vediscoveredmymistakenow.isoonsenthimabouthisbusiness.”

philipgavealittlegasp.

“mildred,won’tyoucomeoutwithmetonight?let’sgoanddinesomewhere.”

“oh,ican’t.myaunt’llbeexpectingmehome.”

“i’llsendherawire.youcansayyou’vebeendetainedintheshop;shewon’tknowanybetter.oh,docome,forgod’ssake.ihaven’tseenyouforsolong,andiwanttotalktoyou.”

shelookeddownatherclothes.

“nevermindaboutthat.we’llgosomewherewhereitdoesn’tmatterhowyou’redressed.andwe’llgotoamusic-hallafterwards.pleasesayyes.itwouldgivemesomuchpleasure.”

shehesitatedamoment;helookedatherwithpitifullyappealingeyes.

“well,idon’tmindifido.ihaven’tbeenoutanywheresinceidon’tknowhowlong.”