第121章BOOKTHETHIRD：THETRACKOFASTORM(36)

第121章bookthethird：thetrackofastorm(36)

nevertheless，itwasnoteasy，withthefaceofhisbelovedwifefreshbeforehim，tocomposehismindtowhatitmustbear.hisholdonlifewasstrong，anditwasvery，veryhard，toloosen；bygradualeffortsanddegreesunclosedalittlehere，itclenchedthetighterthere；andwhenhebroughthisstrengthtobearonthathandandityielded，thiswasclosedagain.therewasahurry，too，inallhisthoughts，aturbulentandheatedworkingofhisheart，thatcontendedagainstresignation.if，foramoment，hedidfeelresigned，thenhiswifeandchildwhohadtoliveafterhim，seemedtoprotestandtomakeitaselfishthing.

but，allthiswasatfirst.beforelong，theconsiderationthattherewasnodisgraceinthefatehemustmeet，andthatnumberswentthesameroadwrongfully，andtroditfirmlyeveryday，spranguptostimulatehim.nextfollowedthethoughtthatmuchofthefuturepeaceofmindenjoyablebythedearones，dependedonhisquietfortitude.so，bydegreeshecalmedintothebetterstate，whenhecouldraisehisthoughtsmuchhigheranddrawcomfortdown.

beforeithadsetindarkonthenightofhiscondemnation，hehadtravelledthusfaronhislastway.beingallowedtopurchasethemeansofwriting，andalight，hesatdowntowriteuntilsuchtimeastheprisonlampsshouldbeextinguished.

hewrotealonglettertolucie，showingherthathehadknownnothingofherfather'simprisonment，untilhehadheardofitfromherself，andthathehadbeenasignorantassheofhisfather'sanduncle'sresponsibilityforthatmisery，untilthepaperhadbeenread.hehadalreadyexplainedtoherthathisconcealmentfromherselfofthenamehehadrelinquished，wastheonecondition—fullyintelligiblenow—thatherfatherhadattachedtotheirbetrothal，andwastheonepromisehehadstillexactedonthemorningoftheirmarriage.heentreatedher，forherfather'ssake，nevertoseektoknowwhetherherfatherhadbecomeobliviousoftheexistenceofthepaper，orhadhaditrecalledtohim（forthemomentor，forgood），bythestoryofthetower，onthatoldsundayunderthedearoldplane-treeinthegarden.ifhehadpreservedanydefiniteremembranceofit，therecouldbenodoubtthathehadsupposeditdestroyedwiththebastille，whenhehadfoundnomentionofitamongtherelicsofprisonerswhichthepopulacehaddiscoveredthere，andwhichhadbeendescribedtoalltheworld.hebesoughther—thoughheaddedthatheknewitwasneedless—toconsoleherfather，byimpressinghimthrougheverytendermeansshecouldthinkof，withthetruththathehaddonenothingforwhichhecouldjustlyreproachhimself，buthaduniformlyforgottenhimselffortheirjointsakes.nexttoherpreservationofhisownlastgratefulloveandblessing，andherovercomingofhersorrow，todevoteherselftotheirdearchild，headjuredher，astheywouldmeetinheaven，tocomfortherfather.

toherfatherhimself，hewroteinthesamestrain；but，hetoldherfatherthatheexpresslyconfidedhiswifeandchildtohiscare.andhetoldhimthis，verystrongly，withthehopeofrousinghimfromanydespondencyordangerousretrospecttowardswhichheforesawhemightbetending.

tomr.lorry，hecommendedthemall，andexplainedhisworldlyaffairs.thatdone，withmanyaddedsentencesofgratefulfriendshipandwarmattachment，allwasdone.heneverthoughtofcarton.hismindwassofulloftheothers，thatheneveroncethoughtofhim.

hehadtimetofinishtheselettersbeforethelightswereputout.whenhelaydownonhisstrawbed，hethoughthehaddonewiththisworld.

but，itbeckonedhimbackinhissleep，andshoweditselfinshiningforms.freeandhappy，backintheoldhouseinsoho（thoughithadnothinginitliketherealhouse），ountablyreleasedandlightofheart，hewaswithlucieagain，andshetoldhimitwasalladream，andhehadnevergoneaway.apauseofforgetfulness，andthenhehadevensuffered，andhadcomebacktoher，deadandatpeace，andyettherewasnodifferenceinhim.anotherpauseofoblivion，andheawokeinthesombremorning，unconsciouswherehewasorwhathadhappened，untilitflasheduponhismind，'thisisthedayofmydeath！'

thus，hadhecomethroughthehours，tothedaywhenthefifty-twoheadsweretofall.andnow，whilehewascomposed，andhopedthathecouldmeettheendwithquietheroism，anewactionbeganinhiswakingthoughts，whichwasverydifficulttomaster.

hehadneverseentheinstrumentthatwastoterminatehislife.howhighitwasfromtheground，howmanystepsithad，wherehewouldbestood，howhewouldbetouched，whetherthetouchinghandswouldbedyedred，whichwayhisfacewouldbeturned，whetherhewouldbethefirst，ormightbethelast：theseandmanysimilarquestions，innowisedirectedbyhiswill，obtrudedthemselvesoverandoveragain，countlesstimes.neitherweretheyconnectedwithfear：hewasconsciousofnofear.rather，theyoriginatedinastrangebesettingdesiretoknowwhattodowhenthetimecame；adesiregiganticallydisproportionatetothefewswiftmomentstowhichitreferred；awonderingthatwasmorelikethewonderingofsomeotherspiritwithinhis，thanhisown.

thehourswentonashewalkedtoandfro，andtheclocksstruckthenumbershewouldneverhearagain.ninegoneforever，tengoneforever，elevengoneforever，twelvecomingontopassaway.afterahardcontestwiththeeccentricactionofthoughtwhichhadlastperplexedhim，hehadgotthebetterofit.hewalkedupanddownsoftlyrepeatingtheirnamestohimself.theworstofthestrifewasover.hecouldwalkupanddown，freefromdistractingfancies，prayingforhimselfandforthem.

twelvegoneforever.