第36章TheChairOfPhilanthromathematics

第36章thechairofphilanthromathematics

"iseethatthecauseofeducationhasreceivedtheprincelygiftofmortthanfiftymillionsofdollars,"saidi.

iwasgleaningthestrayitemsfromtheeveningpaperswhilejeffpeterspackedhisbriarpipewithplugcut.

"whichsame,"saidjeff,"callsforanewdeck,andarecitationbytheentireclassinphilanthromathematics."

"isthatanallusion?"iasked.

"itis,"saidjeff."inevertoldyouaboutthetimewhenmeandandytuckerwasphilanthropists,didi?itwaseightyearsagoinarizona.andyandmewasoutinthegilamountainswithatwohorsewagonprospectingforsilver.westruckit,andsoldouttopartiesintucsonfor$25,000.theypaidourcheckatthebankinsilver—athousanddollarsinasack.weloadeditinourwagonanddroveeastahundredmilesbeforewerecoveredourpresenceofintellect.twenty-fivethousanddollarsdoesn'tsoundlikesomuchwhenyou'rereadingtheannualreportofthepennsylvaniarailroadorlisteningtoanactortalkingabouthissalary;butwhenyoucanraiseupawagonsheetandkickaroundyourbootheelandheareveryoneof'emringagainstanotheritmakesyoufeellikeyouwasanight-anddaybankwiththeclockstrikingtwelve.

"thethirddayoutwedroveintooneofthemostspeciousandt-idylittletownsthatnatureorrandandmcnallyeverturnedout.itwasinthefoothills,andmitigatedwithtreesandflowersandabout2,000headofcordialanddilatoryinhabitants.thetownseemedtobecalledfloresville,andnaturehadnotcontaminateditwithmanyrailroads,fleasoreasterntourists.

"meandandydepositedourmoneytothecreditofpetersandtuckerintheesperanzasavingsbank,andgotroomsattheskyviewhotel.aftersupperwelitup,andsatoutonthegalleryandsmoked.thenwaswhenthephilanthropyideastruckme.isupposeeverygraftergetsitsometime.

"whenamanswindlesthepublicoutofacertainamounthebeginstogetscaredandwantstoreturnpartofit.andifyou'llwatchcloseandnoticethewayhischarityrunsyou'llseethathetriestorestoreittothesamepeoplehegotitfrom.asahydrostaticalcase,take,let'ssay,a.amadehismillionssellingoiltopoorstudentswhositupnightsstudyingpoliticaleconomyandmethodsforregulatingthetrusts.so,backtotheuniversitiesandcollegesgoeshisconsciencedollars.

"there'sbgothisfromthecommonlaboringmanthatworkswithhishandsandtools.how'shetogetsomeoftheremorsefundhackintostheiroveralls?

"'aha!’saysb,'i'lldoitinthenameofeducation.i'veskinnedthelaboringman,’sayshetohimself,'but,accordingtotheoldproverb,charitycoversamultitudeofskins.’"soheputsupeightymilliondottars'worthoflibraries;andtheboyswiththedinnerpailthatbuilds'emgetsthebenefit.

"'where'sthebooks?'asksthereadingpublic.

"'idinnaken’,saysb.'iofferedyelibraries;andtheretheyare.isupposeifi'dgivenyepreferredsteeltruststockinsteadye'dhavewantedthewaterinitsetoutincutglassdecanters.hoot,foryet!’

"but,asisaid,theowningofsomuchmoneywasbeginningtogivemephilanthropitis.itwasthefirsttimemeandandyhadevermadeapilebigenoughtomakeusstopandthinkhowwegotit.

"'andy,’saysi,'we'rewealthy—notbeyondthedreamsofaverage;butinourhumblewaywearecomparativelyasrichasgreasers.ifeelasifi'dliketodosomethingforaswellastohumanity.’

"'iwasthinkingthesamething,jeff,’sayshe.'we'vebeengougingthepublicforalongtimewithallkindsoflittleschemesfromsellingselfignitingcelluloidcollarstofloodinggeorgiawithhokesmithpresidentialcampaignbuttons.i'dlike,myself,tohedgeabetortwointhegraftgamelificoulddoitwithoutactuallybangingthecymbaline'sinthesalvationarmyorteachtingabibleclassbythebertillonsystem.’

"'what'llwedo?’saysandy.'givefreegrubtothepoororsendacoupleofthousandtogeorgecortelyou?’

"'neither,’saysi.'we'vegottoomuchmoneytobeimplicatedinplaincharity;andwehaven'tgotenoughtomakerestitution.so,we'lllookaboutforsomethingthat'sabouthalfwaybetweenthetwo.’

"thenextdayinwalkingaroundfloresvilleweseeonahillabigredbrickbuildingthatappearstobedisinhabited.thecitizensspeakupandtellusthatitwasbegunforaresidenceseveralyearsbeforebyamineowner.afterrunningupthehousehefindsheonlyhad$2.80lefttofurnishitwith,soheinveststhatinwhiskeyandjumpsofftheroofonaspotwherehenowrequiescatsinpieces.

"assoonasmeandandysawthatbuildingthesameideastruckbothofus.wewouldfixitupwithlightsandpenwipersandprofessors,andputanirondogandstatuesofherculesandfatherjohnonthelawn,andstartoneofthefinestfreeeducattonalinstitutionsintheworldrightthere.

"sowetalksitovertotheprominentcitizensoffloresville,whofallsinfinewiththeidea.theygiveabanquetintheenginehousetous,andwemakeourbowforthefirsttimeasbenefactorstothecauseofprogressandenlightenment.andymakesanhour-and-a-halfspeechonthesubjectofirrigationinloweregypt,andwehaveamoraltuneonthephonographandpineapplesherbet.

"andyandmedidn'tloseanytimeinphilanthropping.weputeverymanintownthatcouldtellahammerfromastepladdertoworkonthebuilding,dividingitupintoclassroomsandlecturehalts.wewiretofriscoforacarloadofdesks,footballs,arithmetic's,penholders,dictionaries,chairsfortheprofessors,slates,skeletons,sponges,twenty-sevencravenettedgownsandcapsfortheseniorclass,andanopenorderforallthetruckthatgoeswithafirst-classuniversity.itookitonmyselftoputacampusandacurriculumonthelist;butthetelegraphoperatormusthavegotthewordswrong,beinganignorantman,forwhenthegoodscomewefoundacanofpeasandacurry-combamong'em.

"whiletheweeklypaperswashavingchalk-patecutsofmeandandywewiredanemploymentagencyinchicagotoexpressusf.o.b.,sixprofessorsimmediately—oneenglishliterature,oneup-todatedeadlanguages,onechemistry,onepoliticaleconomy—democratpreferred—onelogic,andonewisetopainting,italianandmusic,withunioncard.theesperanzabankguaranteedsalaries,whichwastorunbetween$800and$800.50.

"welt,sir,wefinallygotinshape.overthefrontdoorwascarvedthewords:'theworld'suniversity;peters&tucker,patronsandproprietors.’andwhenseptemberthefirstgotacrossmarkonthecalendar,thecome-onsbeguntorollin.firstthefacultygotoffthetri-weeklyexpressfromtucson.theywasmostlyyoung,sprctacled,andred-headed,withsentimentsdividedbetweenambitionandfood.andyandmegot'embilletedonthefloresvilliansandthenlaidforthestudents.

"theycameinbunches.wehadadvertisedtheuniversityinallthestatepapres,anditdidusgoodtoseehowquickthecountryresponded.twohundredandnineteenhuskyladsagingalongfrom18uptochinwhiskersansweredtheclarioncalloffreeeducation.theyrippedopenthattown,spongedtheseams,turnedit,lineditwithnewmohair;andyoucouldn'thavetolditfromharvardorgoldfieldsatthemarchtermofcourt.

"theymarchedupanddownthestreetswavingflagswiththeworld'suniversitycolors—ultra-marineandblue—andtheycertainlymadealivelyplaceoffloresville.andymadethemaspeechfromthebalconyoftheskyviewhotel,andthewholetownwasoutcelebrating.

"inabouttwoweekstheprofessorsgotthestudentsdisarmedandherdedintoclasses.idon'tbelivevethere'sanypleasureequaltobeingaphilanthropist.meandandyboughthighsilkhatsandpretendedtododgethetworeportersofthefloresvillegazette.thepaperhadamantokodakuswheneverweappearedonthestreet,andranourpictureseveryweekoverthecolumnheaded'educationalnotes.’andylecturedtwiceaweekattheuniversity;andafterwardiwouldriseandtellahumorousstory.oncethegazetteprintedmypictureswithabelincolnononesideandmarshallp.wilderontheother.

"andywasasinterestedinphilanthropyasiwas.weusedtowakeupofnightsandtelleachothernewideasforboomingtheuniversity.

"'andy,’saysitohimoneday,'there’ssomethingweoverlooked.theboysoughttohavedromedaries.’

"'what'sthat?’andyasks.

"'why,somethingtosleepin,ofcourse,’saysi.'allcollegeshave'em.’

"'oh,youmeanpajamas,’saysandy.

"'idonot,’saysi.'imeandromedaries.’butinevercouldmakeandyunderstand;soweneverordered'em.ofcourse,imeantthemlongbedroomsincollegeswherethescholarssleepinarow.

"well,sir,theworld'suniversitywasaess.wehadscholarsfromfivestatesandterritories,andfloresvillehadaboom.anewshootinggalleryandapawnshopandtwomoresaloonsstarted;andtheboysgotupacollegeyellthatwentthisway:

raw,raw,raw,

done,done,done,

peters,tucker,

lotsoffun,

bow-wow-wow,

haw-hee-haw,

worlduniversity,

hip,hurrah!

"thescholarswasafinelotofyoungmen,andmeandandywasasproudof'emasiftheybelongedtoourownfamily.

"butonedayaboutthelastofoctoberandycomestomeandasksifihaveanyideahowmuchmoneywehadleftinthebank.iguessesaboutsixteenthousand.'ourbalance,’saysandy,'is$821.62.’

"'what!’saysi,withakindofayell.'doyoumeantotellmethattheminfernalclod-hopping,dough-headed,pup-faced,goosebrained,gate-stealing,rabbit-earedsonsofhorsethieveshavesoakedusforthatmuch?’

"'noless,’saysandy.

"'then,tohelvetiawithphilanthropy,’saysi.

"'notnecessarily,’saysandy.'philanthropy,’sayshe,'whenrunonagoodbusinessbasisisoneofthebestgraftsgoing.i'lllookintothematterandseeifitcan'tbestraightenedout.’

"thenextweekiamlookingoverthepayrollofourfacultywhenirunacrossanewname—professorjamesdarnleymccorkle,chairofmathematics;salary$100perweek.iyellssoloudthatandyrunsinquick.

"'what'sthis,’saysi.'aprofessorofmathematicsatmorethan$5,000ayear?howdidthishappen?didhegetinthroughthewindowandappointhimself?’