第16章JeffPetersasaPersonalMagnet

第16章jeffpetersasapersonalmagnet

jeffpetershasbeenengagedinasmanyschemesformakingmoneyastherearerecipesforcookingriceincharleston，s.c.bestofalliliketohearhimtellofhisearlierdayswhenhesoldlinimentsandcoughcuresonstreetcomers，livinghandtomouth，hearttoheartwiththepeople，throwingheadsortailswithfortuneforhislastcoin.

"istruckfisherhill，arkansaw，"saidhe，"inabuckskinsuit，asins，longhairandathirty-caratdiamondringthatigotfromanactorintexarkana.idon'tknowwhatheeverdidwiththepocketknifeiswappedhimforit.

"iwasdr.waugh-hoo，thecelebratedindianmedicineman.icarriedonlyonebestbetjustthen，andthatwasresurrectionbitters.itwasmadeoflife-givingplantsandherbsaccidentallydiscoveredbyta-qua-la，thebeautifulwifeofthechiefofthechoctawnation，whilegatheringtrucktogarnishaplatterofboileddogfortheannualcorndance.

"businesshadn'tbeengoodinthelasttown，soionlyhadfivedollars.iwenttothefisherhillistandhecreditedmeforhalfagrossofeight-ouncebottlesandcorks.ihadthelabelsandingredientsinmyvalise，leftoverfromthelasttown.lifebegantolookrosyagainafterigotinmyhotelroomwiththewaterrunningfromthetap，andtheresurrectionbitterslininguponthetablebythedozen.

"fake？no，sir.therewastwodollars'worthoffluidextractofcinchonaandadime'sworthofanilineinthathalf-grossofbitters.i'vegonethroughtownsyearsafterwardsandhadfolksaskfor'emagain.

"ihiredawagonthatnightandcommencedsellingthebittersonmainstreet.fisherhillwasalow，malarialtown；andacompoundhypotheticalpneumocardiacanti-scorbutictonicwasiustwhatidiagnosedthecrowdasneeding.thebittersstartedofflikesweetbreadson-toastatavegetariandinner.ihadsoldtwodozenatfiftycentsapiecewhenifeltsomebodypullmycoattail.iknewwhatthatmeant；soiclimbeddownandsneakedafivedollarbillintothehandofamanwithagermansilverstaronhislapel.

"'constable，’saysi，'it'safinenight.’"'haveyougotacitylicence，’heasks，'tosellthisillegitimateessenceofspoojuthatyouflatterbythenameofmedicine？’

"'ihavenot，’saysi.'ididn'tknowyouhadacity.ificanfindittomorrowi'lltakeoneoutifit'snecessary.’

"'i'llhavetocloseyouuptillyoudo，’saystheconstable.

"iquitsellingandwentbacktothehotel.iwastalkingtothelandlordaboutit.

"'oh，youwon'tstandanyshowinfisherhill，’sayshe.'dr.hoskins，theonlydoctorhere，isabrother-in-lawofthemayor，andtheywon'tallownofakedoctortopractiseintown.’

"'idon'tpractisemedicine，’saysi，'i'vegotastatepeddle'slicence，anditakeoutacityonewherevertheydemandit.’

"iwenttothemayor'sofficethenextmorningandtheytoldmehehadn'tshowedupyet.theydidn'tknowwhenhe'dbedown.sodocwaugh-hoohunchesdownagaininahotelchairandlightsajimpson-weedregalia，andwaits.

"byandbyayoungmaninabluenecktieslipsintothechairnexttomeandasksthetime.

"'half-pastten，’saysi，'andyouareandytucker.i'veseenyouwork.wasn'tityouthatputupthegreatcupidcombinationpackageonthesouthernstates？let'ssee，itwasachileandiamondengagementring，aweddingring，apotatomasher，abottleofsoothingsyrupanddorothyvernon—allforfiftycents.’

"andywaspleasedtohearthatirememberedhim.hewasagoodstreetman；andhewasmorethanthat—herespectedhisprofession，andhewassatisfiedwith300percentprofit.hehadplentyofofferstogointotheillegitimatedrugandgardenseedbusiness；buthewasnevertobetemptedoffofthestraightpath.

"iwantedapartner，soandyandmeagreedtogoouttogether.itoldhimaboutthesituationinfisherhillandhowfinanceswaslowonaccountofthelocalmixtureofpolitics.andjalap.andyhadjustgotinonthetrainthatmorning.hewasprettylowhimself，andwasgoingtocanvassthewholetownforafewdollarstobuildanewbattleshipbypopularsubionateurekasprings.sowewentoutandsatontheporchandtalkeditover.

"thenextmorningateleveno'clockwheniwassittingtherealone，anuncletomshufflesintothehotelandaskedforthedoctortocomeandseejudgebanks，who，itseems，wasthemayorandamightysickmall.

"'i'mnodoctor，’saysi.'whydon'tyougoandgetthedoctor？’

"'boss，’sayshe.'dochoskinsamdonegonetwentymilesindecountrytoseesomesickpersons.he'sdeonlydoctorindetown，andmassabanksampowerfulbadoff.hesentmetoaxyoutoplease，suh，come.’

"'asmantoman，’saysi，'i'llgoandlookhimover.’soiputabottleofresurrectionbittersinmypocketandgoesuponthehilltothemayor'smansion，thefinesthouseintown，withamanneredroofandtwocastirondogsonthelawn.

"thismayorbankswasinbedallbuthiswhiskersandfeet.hewasmakinginternalnoisesthatwouldhavehadeverybodyinsanfranciscohikingfortheparks.ayoungmanwasstandingbythebedholdingacupofwater.

"'doc，’saysthemayor，'i'mawfulsick.i'mabouttodie.can'tyoudonothingforme？’

"'mr.mayor，’saysi，'i'mnotaregularpreordaineddiscipleofs.q.lapius.inevertookacourseinamedicalcollege，’saysi.'i'vejustcomeasafellowmantoseeificouldbeoffassistance.’

"'i'mdeeplyobliged，’sayshe.'docwaugh-hoo，thisismynephew，mr.biddle.hehastriedtoalleviatemydistress，butwithoutess.oh，lordy！ow-ow-ow！！’hesingsout.

"inodsatmr.biddleandsetsdownbythebedandfeelsthemayor'spulse.'letmeseeyourliver—ourtongue，imean，’saysi.theniturnsupthelidsofhiseyesandlooksclosethatthepupilsof'em.

"'howlonghaveyoubeensick？’iasked.

"'iwastakendown—ow-ouch—lastnight，’saysthemayor.'gimmesomethingforit，doe，won'tyou？’

"'mr.fiddle，’saysi，'raisethewindowshadeabit，willyou？’

"'biddle，’saystheyoungman.'doyoufeellikeyoucouldeatsomehamandeggs，unclejames？’

"'mr.mayor，’saysi，afterlayingmyeartohisrightshoulderbladeandlistening，'you'vegotabadattackofsuper-inflammationoftherightclavicleoftheharpsichord！’

"'goodlord！’sayshe，withagroan.'can'tyourubsomethingonit，orsetitoranything？’

"ipicksupmyhatandstartsforthedoor.

"'youain'tgoing，doc？’saysthemayorwithahowl.'youain'tgoingawayandleavemetodiewiththis—superfluityoftheclapboards，areyou？’

"'commonhumanity，dr.whoa-ha，’saysmr.biddle，'oughttopreventyourdesertingafellow-humanindistress.’"

"'dr.waugh-hoo，whenyougetthroughplowhing，’saysi.andtheniwalksbacktothebedandthrowsbackmylonghair.

"'mr.mayor，’saysi，'thereisonlyonehopeforyou.drugswilldoyounogood.butthereisanotherpowerhigheryet，althoughdrugsarehighenough，’saysi.

"'andwhatisthat？’sayshe.

"'scientificdemonstrations，’saysi.'thetriumphofmindoversarsaparilla.thebeliefthatthereisnopainandsicknessexceptwhatisproducedwhenweain'tfeelingwell.declareyourselfinarrears.demonstrate.’

"'whatisthisparaphernaliayouspeakof，doc？’saysthemayor.'youain'tasocialist，areyou？’

"'iamspeaking，’saysi，'ofthegreatdoctrineofpsychicfinanciering—oftheenlightenedschooloflong-distance，subconscientioustreatmentoffallaciesandmeningitis—ofthatwonderfulindoorsportknownaspersonalmagnetism.’

"'canyouworkit，doc？’asksthemayor.

"'i'moneofthesolesanhedrimsandostensiblehooplasoftheinnerpulpit，’saysi.'thelametalkandtheblindrubberwheneverimakeapassat'em.iamamedium，acoloraturahypnotistandaspirituouscontrol.itwasonlythroughmeattherecentséancesatannarborthatthelatepresidentofthevinegarbitterscompanycouldrevisittheearthtocommunicatewithhissisterjane.youseemepeddlingmedicineonthestreet，’saysi，'tothepoor.idon'tpracticepersonalmagnetismonthem.idonotdragitinthedust，’saysi，'becausetheyhaven'tgotthedust.’

"'willyoutreatmycase？’asksthemayor.

"'listen，’saysi.'i'vehadagooddealoftroublewithmedicalsocietieseverywherei'vebeen.idon'tpracticemedicine.but，tosaveyourlife，i'llgiveyouthepsychictreatmentifyou'llagreeasmayornottopushthelicencequestion.’

"'ofcourseiwill，’sayshe.'andnowgettowork，doe，forthempainsarecomingonagain.’

"'myfeewillbe$250.00，cureguaranteedintwotreatments，’saysi.

"'allright，’saysthemayor.'i'llpayit.iguessmylife'sworththatmuch.’

"isatdownbythebedandlookedhimstraightintheeye.