第17章TheHandthatRilestheWorld

第17章thehandthatrilestheworld

"manyofourgreatmen,"saidi(aproposofmanythings),"havedeclaredthattheyowetheiresstotheaidandencouragementofsomebrilliantwoman."

"iknow,"saidjeffpeters."i'vereadinhistoryandmythologyaboutjoanofarcandmme.yaleandmrs.caudleandeveandothernotedfemalesofthepast.but,inmyopinion,thewomanoftodayisoflittleuseinpoliticsorbusiness,what'sshebestin,anyway?—menmakethebestcooks,milliners,nurses,housekeepers,stenographers,clerks,hairdressersandlaunderers.abouttheonlyjobleftthatawomancanbeatamaninisfemaleimpersonatorinvaudeville."

"iwouldhavethought,"saidi,"thatoccasionally,anyhow,youwouldhavefoundthewitandintuitionofwomanvaluabletoyouinyourlinesof—er—business."

"now,wouldn'tyou,"saidjeff,withanemphaticnod—"wouldn'tyouhaveimaginedthat?butawomanisanabsolutelyunreliablepartnerinanystraightswindle.she'sliabletoturnhonestonyouwhenyouaredependinguponherthemost.itried'emonce.

"billhumble,anoldfriendofmineintheterritories,conceivedtheillusionthathewantedtobeappointedunitedstatesmarshal.atthattimemeandandywasdoingasquare,legitimatebusinessofsellingwalkingcanes.ifyouunscrewedtheheadofoneandtumedituptoyourmouthahalfpintofgoodryewhiskeywouldgotricklingdownyourthroattorewardyouforyouractofintelligence.thedeputieswasannoyingmeandandysome,andwhenbillspoketomeabouthisofficiousaspirations,isawhowtheappointmentasmarshallmighthelpalongthefirmofpeters&tucker.

"'jeff,’saysbilltome,'youareamanoflearningandeducation,besideshavingknowledgeandinformationconcerningnotonlyrudimentsbutfactsandattainments.’"'ido,’saysi,'andihaveneverregrettedit.iamnotone,’saysi,'whowouldcheapeneducationbymakingitfree.tellme,’saysi,'whichisofthemostvaluetomankind,literatureorhorseracking?’

"'why—er—,playingthepo—imean,ofcourse,thepoetsandthegreatwritershavegotthecall,ofcourse,’saysbill.

"'exactly,’saysi.'thenwhydothemastermindsoffinanceandphilanthropy,’saysi,'chargeus$2togetintoarace-trackandletusintoalibraryfree?isthatdistillingintothemasses,’saysi,'acorrectestimateoftherelativevalueofthetwomeansofself-cultureanddisorder?’

"'youarearguingoutsideofmyfacultiesofsenseandrhetoric,’saysbill.'whatiwantedyoutodoistogotowashingtonanddigoutthisappointmentforme.ihaven'tnoideasofcultivationandintrigue.i'maplaincitizenandineedthejob.i'vekilledsevenmen,’saysbill;'i'vegotninechildren;i'vebeenagoodrepublicaneversincethefirstofmay;ican'treadnorwrite,andiseenoreasonwhyiain'tillegiblefortheoffice.andithinkyourpartner,mr.tucker,’goesonbill,'isalsoamanofsufficientingratiationandconnectedsystemofmentaldelinquencytoassistyouinsecuringtheappointment.iwillgiveyoupreliminary,’saysbill,'$1,000fordrinks,bribesandcarfaceinwashington.ifyoulandthejobiwillpayyou$1,000more,cashdown,andguaranteeyouimpunityinboot-ingwhiskyfortwelvemonths.areyuupatriotictothewesteuoughtohelpmeputthisthingthroughthewhitewashedwigwamofthegreatfatherofthemusteasternflagstationofthepennsylvaniarailroad?’saysbill.

"well,italkedtoandyaboutit,andhelikedtheideaimmense.andywasamanofaninvolvednature.hewasnevercontenttoplodalong,asiwas,sellingtothepeasantrysomelittletoollikeacombinationsteakbeater,shoehorn,marcelwaver,monkeywrench,nailfile,potatomasherandmultominparvotuningfork.andyhadtheartistictemper,whichisnottobejudgedasapreacher'soramoralman'sisbypurelycommercialdeflections.soweacceptedbill'soffer,andstrikesoutforwashington.

"saysitoandy,whenwegetlocatedatahotelonsouthdakotaavenue,g.s.s.w.'nowandy,forthefirsttimeinourliveswe'vegottodoarealdishonestact.lobbyingissomethingwe'veneverbeenusedto;butwe'vegottoscandalizeourselvesforbillhumble'ssake.inastraightandlegitimatebusiness,’saysi,'wecouldaffordtointroducealittlefoulplayandchicanery,butinadisorderlyandheinouspieceofmalpracticelikethisitseemstomethatthestraightforwardandaboveboardwayisthebest.ipropose,’saysi,'thatwehandover$500ofthismoneytothechairmanofthenationalcampaigncommittee,getareceipt,laythereceiptonthepresident'sdeskandtellhimaboutbill.thepresidentisamanwhowouldappreciateacandidatewhowentaboutgettingofficethatwayinsteadofpullingwires.’

"audyagreedwithme,butafterwetalkedtheschemeoverwiththehotelclerkwegivethatplanup.hetoldusthattherewasonlyonewaytogetanappointmentinwashington,andthatwasthroughaladylobbyist.hegaveustheaddressofoneherecommended,amrs.avery,whohesaidwashighupinsociableanddiplomaticringsandeircles.

"thenextmorningat10o'clockmeandandycalledatherhotel,andwasshownuptoherreceptionroom.

"thismrs.averywasasolaceandabalmtotheeyesight.shehadhairthecolorofthebackofatwentydollargoldcertificate,blueeyesandasystemofbeautythatwouldmakethegirlonthecoverofajulymagazinelooklikeacookonamonongahelacoalbarge.

"shehadonalowneckeddresscoveredwithsilverspangles,anddiamondringsandearbobs.herarmswasbare;andshewasusingadesktelephonewithonehand,anddrinkingteawiththeother.

"'well,boys,’sayssheafterabit,'whatisit?’

"itoldherinasfewwordsaspossiblewhatwewantedforbill,andthepricewecouldpay.

"'thosewesternappointments,’saysshe,'areeasy.le'mesee,now,’saysshe,'whocouldputthatthroughforus.nousefoolingwiththeterritorialdelegates.iguess,’saysshe,'thatsenatorsniperwouldbeabouttheman.he'sfromsomewhereinthewest.let'sseehowhestandsonmyprivatemenucard.’shetakessomepapersoutofapigeon-holewiththeletter's’overit.

"'yes,’saysshe,'he'smarkedwithastar;thatmeans"readytoserve."now,let'ssee."age55;marriedtwice;presbyterian,likesblondes,tolstoi,pokerandstewedterrapin;sentimentalatthirdbottleofwine."yes,’shegoeson,'iamsureicanhaveyourfriend,mr.bummer,appointedministertobrazil.’

"'humble,’saysi.'andunitedstatesmarshalwastheberth.’

"'oh,yes,’saysmrs.avery.'ihavesomanydealsofthissortisometimesgetthemconfused.givemeallthememorandayouhaveofthecase,mr.peters,andcomebackinfourdays.ithinkitcanbearrangedbythen.’

"someandandygoesbacktoourhotelandwaits.andywalksupanddownandchewstheleftendofhismustache.

"'awomanofhighintellectandperfectbeautyisararething,jeff,’sayshe.

"'asrare,’saysi,'asanomeletmadefromtheeggsofthefabulousbirdknownastheepidermis,’saysi.

"'awomanlikethat,’saysandy,'oughttoleadamalltothehighestpositionsofopulenceandfame.’

"'imisdoubt,’saysi,'ifanywomaneverhelpedamantosecureajobanymorethantohavehismealsreadypromptlyandspreadareportthattheothercandidate'swifehadoncebeenashoplifter.theyarenomoreadaptedforbusinessandpolitics,’saysi,'thanalgernoncharlesswinburneistobefloormanageratoneofchuckconnor'sannualballs.iknow,’saysitoandy,'thatsometimesawomanseemstostepoutintothekalsominelightasthecharged'affairesofherman'spoliticaljob.buthowdoesitcomeout?say,theyhaveaneatlittleberthsomewhereasforeignconsulofrecordtoafghanistanorlockkeeperonthedelawareandraritancanal.onedaythismanfindshiswifeputtingonherovershoesandthreemonthssupplyofbirdseedintotheeanary'scage."siouxfalls?"heaskswithakindofhopefullightinhiseye."no,arthur,"saysshe,"washington.we'rewastedhere,"saysshe."yououghttobetoadyextraordinarytothecourtofst.bridgetorheadporteroftheislandofportorico.i'mgoingtoseeaboutit."’

"'thenthislady,’isaystoandy,'movesagainsttheauthor-itiesatwashingtonwithherageandmunitions,consistingoffivedozenindiseriminatingletterswrittentoherbyamemberofthecabinetwhenshewas15;aletterofintroductionfromkingleopoldtothesmithsonianinstitution,andapinksilkcostumewithcanarycoloredspats.

"'well,andthenwhat?’igoes.'shehasthelettersprintedintheeveningpapersthatmatchhercostuine,shelecturesataninformalteagiveninthepalmroomoftheb.&o.depotandthencallsonthepresident.theninthassistantsecretaryofcommerceandlabor,thefirstaide-de-campoftheblueroomandanunidentifiedcoloredmanarewaitingtheretograspherbythehands—andfeet.theycarryherouttos.w.b.streetandleaveheronacellardoor.thatendsit.thenexttimewehearofhersheiswritingpostcardstothechineseministeraskinghimtogetarthurajobinateastore.’

"'then,’says.andy,'youdon'tthinkmrs.averywilllandthemarshalshipforbill?’

"'idonot,’saysi.'idonotwishtobeasceptic,butidoubtifshecandoaswellasyouandmecouldhavedone.’

"'idon'tagreewithyou,’saysandy.'i'llbetyoushedoes.i'mproudofhavingahigheropinionofthetalentandthepowersofnegotiationofladies.’

"wewasbackatmrs.avery'shotelatthetimesheappointed.shewaslookingprettyandfineenough,asfarasthatwent,tomakeanymanlethernameeveryofficerinthecountry.butihadn'tmuchfaithinlooks,soiwascertainlysurprisedwhenshepullsoutadocumentwiththegreatsealoftheunitedslatesonit,and'williamhenryhumble’inafine,bighandontheback.

"'youmighthavehaditthenextday,boys,’saysmrs.avery,smiling.'ihadn'ttheslightesttroubleingettingit,’saysshe.'ijustaskedforit,that'sall.now,i'dliketotalktoyouawhile,’shegoeson,'buti'mawfullybusy,andiknowyou'llexcuseme.i'vegotanambassadorship,twoconsulatesandadozenotherminorapplicationstolookafter.icanhardlyfindtimetosleepatall.you'llgivemycomplimentstomr.humblewhenyougethome,ofcourse.’

"well,ihandedherthe$500,whichshepitchedintoherdeskdrawerwithoutcounting.iputbill'sappointmentinmypocketandmeandandymadeouradieus.

"westartedbackfortheterritorythesameday.wewiredbill:'joblanded;getthetallglassesready,’andwefeltprettygood.

"andyjoshedmeallthewayabouthowlittleiknewaboutwomen.

"'allright,’saysi.'i'lladmitthatshesurprisedme.butit'sthefirsttimeieverknewoneof'emtomanipulateapieceofbusinessontimewithoutgettingitbungledupinsomeway,’saysi.

"downabouttheedgeofarkansasigotoutbill'sappointmentandlookeditover,andthenihandedittoandytoread.andyreadit,butdidn'taddanyremarkstomysilence.

"thepaperwasforbill,allfight,andagenuinedocument,butitappointedhimpostmasterofdadecity,fla.

"meandandygotoffthetrainatlittlerockandsentbil'lsappointmenttohimbymail.thenwestrucknortheasttowardlakesuperior.

"ineversawbillhumbleafterthat."