第18章TheExactScienceofMatrimony

第18章theexactscienceofmatrimony

"asihavetoldyoubefore,"saidjeffpeters,"ineverhadmuchconfidenceintheperfidiousnessofwoman.aspartnersorcoeducatorsinthemostinnocentlineofgrafttheyarenottrustworthy."

"theydeservethecompliment,"saidi."ithinktheyareentitledtobecalledthehonestsex."

"whyshouldn'ttheybe?"saidjeff."they'vegottheothersexeithergraftingorworkingovertimefor'em.they'reallrightinbusinessuntiltheygettheiremotionsortheirhairtoucheduptoomuch.thenyouwanttohaveaflatfooted,heavybreathingmanwithsandywhiskers,fivekidsandabuildingandloanmortgagereadyasanunderstudytotakeherdesk.nowtherewasthatwidowladythatmeandandytuckerengagedtohelpusinthatlittlematrimonialagencytschemewefloatedontincairo.

"whenyou'vegotenoughadvertisingcapital—sayarollasbigasthelittleendofawagontongue—there'smoneyinmatrimonialagencies,wehadabout$6,000andweexpectedtodoubleitintwomonths,whichisaboutaslongasaschemelikeourscanbecarriedonwithouttakingoutanewjerseycharter.

"wefixedupanadvertisementthatreadaboutlikethis:

charmingwidow,beautiful,homeloving,32years,possessing$3,000cashandowningvaluablecountryproperty,wouldremarry.wouldpreferapoormanwithaffectionatedispositiontoonewithmeans,assherealizesthatthesolidvirtuesareoftenesttobefoundinthehumblewalksoflife.noobjectiontoelderlymanoroneofhomelyappearanceiffaithfulandtrueandcompetenttomanagepropertyandinvestmoneywithjudgment.address,withparticulars,

lonely,

careofpeters&tucker,agents,cairo,iii.

"'sofar,sopernicious,’saysi,whenwehadfinishedtheliterarycuncoction.'andnow,’saysi,'whereisthelady.’"andygivesmeoneofhislooksofcalmirritation.

"'jeff,’sayshe,'ithoughtyouhadlostthemideasofrealisminyourart.whyshouldtherebealady?whentheysellalotofwateredstockonwallstreetwouldyouexpecttofindamermaidinit?whathasamatrimonialadgottodowithalady?’

"'nowlisten,’saysi.'youknowmyrule,andy,thatinallmyillegitimateinroadsagainstthelegalletterofthelawthearticlesoldmustbeexistent,visible,producible.inthatwayandbyacarefulstudyofcityordinancesandtrainschedulesihavekeptoutofalltroublewiththepolicethatafive-dollarbillandacigarcouldnotsquare.now,toworkthisschemewe'vegottobeabletoproducebodilyacharmingwidoworitsequivalentwithorwithoutthebeauty,hereditamentsandappurtenancessetforthinthecatalogueandwritoferrors,orhereafterbeheldbyajusticeofthepeace.’

"'well,’saysandy,reconstructinghismind,'maybeitwouldbesaferincasethepostofficeorthepeacecommissionshouldtrytoinvestigateouragency.butwhere,’hesays,'couldyouhopetofindawidowwhowouldwastetimeonamatrimonialschemethathadnomatrimonyinit?’

"itoldandythatithoughtiknewoftheexactparty.anoldfriendofmine,zeketrotter,whousedtodrawsodawaterandteethinatentshow,hadmadehiswifeawidowayearbeforebydrinkingsomedyspepsiacureoftheolddoctor'sinsteadofthelinimentthathealwaysgotboozedupon.iusedtostopattheirhouseoften,andithoughtwecouldgethertoworkwithus.

"'twasonlysixtymilestothelittletownwhereshelived,soijumpedoutonthei.c.andfindsherinthesamecottagewiththesamesunflowersandroostersstandingonthewashtub.mrs.trotterfittedouradfirstrateexcept,maybeforbeautyandageandpropertyvaluation.butshelookedfeasibleandpraiseworthytotheeye,anditwasakindnesstozeke'smemorytogiveherthejob.

"'isthisanhonestdealyouareputtingon,mr.peters’sheasksmewhenitellherwhatwewant.

"'mrs.trotter,’saysi,'andytuckerandmehavecomputedthecalculationthat3,000meninthisbroadandunfaircountrywillendeavortosecureyourfairhandandostensiblemoneyandpropertythroughouradvertisement.outofthatnumbersomethinglikethirtyhundredwillexpecttogiveyouinexchange,iftheyshouldwinyou,thecarcassofalazyandmercenaryloafer,afailureinlife,aswindlerandcontemptiblefortuneseeker.

"'meandandy,’saysi,'proposetoteachthesepreyersuponsocietyalesson.itwaswithdifficulty,’saysi,'thatmeandandycouldrefrainfromformingacorporationunderthetitleofthegreatmoralandmillennialmalevolentmatrimonialagency.doesthatsatisfyyou?’

"'itdoes,mr.peters,’saysshe.'imighthaveknownyouwouldn'thavegoneintoanythingthatwasn'topprobrious.butwhatwillmydutiesbe?doihavetorejectpersonallythese3,000ramscallionsyouspeakof,orcanithrowthemoutinbunches?’

"'yourjob,mrs.trotter,’saysi,'willbepracticallyacynosure.youwillliveataquiethotelandwillhavenoworktodo.andyandiwillattendtoallthecorrespondenceandbusinessendofit.

"'ofcourse,’saysi,'someofthemoreardentandimpetuoussuitorswhocanraisetherailroadfaremaycometocairotopersonallypresstheirsuitorwhateverfractionofasuittheymaybewearing.inthatcaseyouwillbeprobablyputtotheinconvenienceofkickingthemontfacetoface.wewillpayyou$25perweekandhotelexpenses.’

"'givemefiveminutes,’saysmrs.trotter,'togetmypowderragandleavethefrontdoorkeywithaneighborandyoucanletmysalarybegin.’

"soiconveysmrs.trottertocairoandestablishesherinafamilyhotelfarenoughawayfrommineandandy'squarterstobeunsuspiciousandavailable,anditellandy.

"'great,’saysandy.'andnowthatyourconscienceisappeasedastothetangibilityandproximityofthebait,andleavingmuttonaside,supposewerevenooanotfish.’

"so,webegantoinsertouradvertisementinnewspaperscoveringthecountryfarandwide.oneadwasallweused.wecouldn'thaveusedmorewithouthiringsomanyclerksandmarcelledparaphernaliathatthesoundofthegumchewingwouldhavedisturbedthepostmaster-general.

"weplaced$2,000inabanktomrs.trotter'screditandgaveherthebooktoshowincaseanybodymightquestionthehonestyandgoodfaithoftheagency.iknewmrs.trotterwassquareandreliableanditwassafetoleaveitinhername.

"withthatoneadandyandmeputintwelvehoursadayansweringletters.

"aboutonehundredadaywaswhatcamein.ineverknewtherewassomanylargeheartedbutindigentmeninthecountrywhowerewillingtoacquireacharmingwidowandassumetheburdenofinvestinghermoney.

"mostofthemadmittedthattheyranprincipallytowhiskersandlostjobsandweremisunderstoodbytheworld,butallof'emweresurethattheyweresochockfullofaffectionandmanlyqualitiesthatthewidowwouldbemakingthebargainofherlifetoget'em.

"everyapplicantgotareplyfrompeters&tuckerinforminghimthatthewidowhadbeendeeplyimpressedbyhisstraightforwardandinterestingletterandrequestingthemtowriteagain;statingmoreparticulars;andenclosingphotographifconvenient.peters&tuckeralsoinformedtheapplicantthattheirfeeforhandingoverthesecondlettertotheirfairclientwouldbe$2,enclosedtherewith.

"thereyouseethesimplebeautyofthescheme.about90percentofthemdomesticforeignnoblemenraisedthepricesomehowandsentitin.thatwasalltherewastoit.exceptthatmeandandycomplainedanamountaboutbeingputtothetroubleofslicingopenthemenvelopes,andtakingthemoneyout.

"somefewclientscalledinperson.wesent'emtomrs.trotterandshedidtherest;exceptforthreeorfourwhocamebacktostrikeusforcarfare.afterthelettersbegantogetinfromther.f.d.districtsandyandmeweretakinginabout$200aday.

"oneafternoonwhenwewerebusiestandiwasstuffingthetwoandonesintocigarboxesandandywaswhistling"noweddingbellsforher"asmallslickmandropsinandrunshiseyeoverthewallslikehewasonthetrailofalostgainsboroughpaintingortwo.assoonasisawhimifeltaglowofpride,becausewewererunningourbusinessonthelevel.

"'iseeyouhavequitealargemailtoday,’saystheman.

"ireachedandgotmyhat.

"'comeon,’saysi.'we'vebeenexpectingyou.i'llshowyouthegoods.howwasteddywhenyouleftwashington?’

"itookhimdowntotheriverviewhotelandhadhimshakehandswithmrs.trotter.thenishowedhimherbankbookwiththe$2,000tohercredit.

"'itseemstobeallright,’saysthesecretservice.

"'itis,’saysi.'andifyou'renotamarriedmani'llleaveyoutotalkawhilewiththelady.wewon'tmentionthetwodollars.’

"'thanks,’sayshe.'ifiwasn't,imight.goodday,mrs.peters.’

"towardtheendofthreemonthswehadtakeninsomethingover$5,000,andwesawitwastimetoquit.wehadagoodmanycomplaintsmadetous;andmrs.trotterseemedtobetiredofthejob.agoodmanysuitorshadbeencallingtoseeher,andshedidn'tseemtolikethat.

"sowedecidestopullout,andigoesdowntomrs.trotter'shoteltopayherlastweek'ssalaryandsayfarewellandgethercheckforthe$2,000.

"whenigotthereifoundhercryinglikeakidthatdon'twanttogotoschool.

"'now,now,’saysi,'what'sitallabout?somebodysassedyouoryougettinghomesick?’

"'no,mr.peters,’saysshe.'i'lltellyou.youwasalwaysafriendofzeke's,andidon'tmind.mr.peters,i'minlove.ijustloveamansohardican'tbearnottogethim.he'sjusttheideali'vealwayshadinmind.’

"'thentakehim,’saysi.'thatis,ifit'samutualcase.doeshereturnthesentimentaccordingtothespecificationsandpainfulnessyouhavedescribed?’

"'hedoes,’saysshe.'buthe'soneofthegentlementhat'sbeencomingtoseemeabouttheadvertisementandhewon'tmarrymeunlessigivehimthe$2,000.hisnameiswilliamwilkinson."andthenshegoesoffagainintheagitationsandhystericsofromance.

"'mrs.trotter,’saysi,'there'snomanmoresympathizingwithawoman'saffectionsthaniam.besides,youwasoncethelifepartnerofoneofmybestfriends.ifitwaslefttomei'dsaytakethis$2,000andthemanofyourchoiceandbehappy.

"'wecouldaffordtodothat,becausewehavecleanedupover$5,000fromthesesuckersthatwantedtomarryyou.but,’saysi,'andytuckeristobeconsulted.

"'heisagoodman,butkeeninbusiness,heismyequalpartnerfinancially.iwilltalktoandy,’saysi,'andseewhatcanbedone.’