第91章

第91章“h’m,yes.whatshallitellyou?idon’tremembermuchindeed.shewassuchasicklygirl,”hewenton,growingdreamyandlookingdownagain.“quiteaninvalid.shewasfondofgivingalmstothepoor,andwasalwaysdreamingofanunnery,andoncesheburstintotearswhenshebegantalkingtomeaboutit.yes,yes,iremember.irememberverywell.shewasanuglylittlething.ireallydon’tknowwhatdrewmetoherthen—ithinkitwasbecauseshewasalwaysill.ifshehadbeenlameorhunchback,ibelieveishouldhavelikedherbetterstill,”hesmileddreamily.“yes,itwasasortofspringdelirium.”

“no,itwasnotonlyspringdelirium,”saiddounia,withwarmfeeling.

hefixedastrainedintentlookonhissister,butdidnothearordidnotunderstandherwords.then,completelylostinthought,hegotup,wentuptohismother,kissedher,wentbacktohisplaceandsatdown.

“youloveherevennow?”saidpulcheriaalexandrovna,touched.

“her?now?oh,yes.…youaskabouther?no…that’sallnow,asitwere,inanotherworld…andsolongago.andindeedeverythinghappeninghereseemssomehowfaraway.”helookedattentivelyatthem.“you,now…iseemtobelookingatyoufromathousandmilesaway…but,goodnessknowswhywearetalkingofthat!andwhat’stheuseofaskingaboutit?”headdedwithannoyance,andbitinghisnails,fellintodreamysilenceagain.

“whatawretchedlodgingyouhave,rodya!it’slikeatomb,”saidpulcheriaalexandrovna,suddenlybreakingtheoppressivesilence.“iamsureit’squitehalfthroughyourlodgingyouhavebecomesomelancholy.”

“mylodging,”heanswered,listlessly.“yes,thelodginghadagreatdealtodowithit.…ithoughtthat,too.…ifonlyyouknew,though,whatastrangethingyousaidjustnow,mother,”hesaid,laughingstrangely.

alittlemore,andtheircompanionship,thismotherandthissister,withhimafterthreeyears’absence,thisintimatetoneofconversation,infaceoftheutterimpossibilityofreallyspeakingaboutanything,wouldhavebeenbeyondhispowerofendurance.buttherewasoneurgentmatterwhichmustbesettledonewayortheotherthatday—sohehaddecidedwhenhewoke.nowhewasgladtorememberit,asameansofescape.

“listen,dounia,”hebegan,gravelyanddrily,“ofcourseibegyourpardonforyesterday,buticonsideritmydutytotellyouagainthatidonotwithdrawfrommychiefpoint.itismeorluzhin.ifiamascoundrel,youmustnotbe.oneisenough.ifyoumarryluzhin,iceaseatoncetolookonyouasasister.”

“rodya,rodya!itisthesameasyesterdayagain,”pulcheriaalexandrovnacried,mournfully.“andwhydoyoucallyourselfascoundrel?ican’tbearit.yousaidthesameyesterday.”

“brother,”douniaansweredfirmlyandwiththesamedryness.“inallthisthereisamistakeonyourpart.ithoughtitoveratnight,andfoundoutthemistake.itisallbecauseyouseemtofancyiamsacrificingmyselftosomeoneandforsomeone.thatisnotthecaseatall.iamsimplymarryingformyownsake,becausethingsarehardforme.though,ofcourse,ishallbegladifieedinbeingusefultomyfamily.butthatisnotthechiefmotiveformydecision.…”

“sheislying,”hethoughttohimself,bitinghisnailsvindictively.“proudcreature!shewon’tadmitshewantstodoitoutofcharity!toohaughty!oh,basecharacters!theyevenloveasthoughtheyhate.…oh,howi…hatethemall!”

“infact,”continueddounia,“iammarryingpyotrpetrovitchbecauseoftwoevilsichoosetheless.iintendtodohonestlyallheexpectsofme,soiamnotdeceivinghim.…whydidyousmilejustnow?”she,too,flushed,andtherewasagleamofangerinhereyes.

“all?”heasked,withamalignantgrin.

“withincertainlimits.boththemannerandformofpyotrpetrovitch’scourtshipshowedmeatoncewhathewanted.hemay,ofcourse,thinktoowellofhimself,butihopeheesteemsme,too.…whyareyoulaughingagain?”

“andwhyareyoublushingagain?youarelying,sister.youareintentionallylying,simplyfromfeminineobstinacy,simplytoholdyourownagainstme.…youcannotrespectluzhin.ihaveseenhimandtalkedwithhim.soyouaresellingyourselfformoney,andsoinanycaseyouareactingbasely,andiamgladatleastthatyoucanblushforit.”

“itisnottrue.iamnotlying,”crieddounia,losinghercomposure.“iwouldnotmarryhimifiwerenotconvincedthatheesteemsmeandthinkshighlyofme.iwouldnotmarryhimifiwerenotfirmlyconvincedthaticanrespecthim.fortunately,icanhaveconvincingproofofitthisveryday…andsuchamarriageisnotavileness,asyousay!andevenifyouwereright,ifireallyhaddeterminedonavileaction,isitnotmercilessonyourparttospeaktomelikethat?whydoyoudemandofmeaheroismthatperhapsyouhavenoteither?itisdespotism;itistyranny.ifiruinanyone,itisonlymyself.…iamnotcommittingamurder.whydoyoulookatmelikethat?whyareyousopale?rodya,darling,what’sthematter?”

“goodheavens!youhavemadehimfaint,”criedpulcheriaalexandrovna.