第83章

第83章razumihinwakedupnextmorningateighto’clock,troubledandserious.hefoundhimselfconfrontedwithmanynewandunlooked-forperplexities.hehadneverexpectedthathewouldeverwakeupfeelinglikethat.herememberedeverydetailofthepreviousdayandheknewthataperfectlynovelexperiencehadbefallenhim,thathehadreceivedanimpressionunlikeanythinghehadknownbefore.atthesametimeherecognisedclearlythatthedreamwhichhadfiredhisimaginationwashopelesslyunattainable—sounattainablethathefeltpositivelyashamedofit,andhehastenedtopasstotheothermorepracticalcaresanddifficultiesbequeathedhimbythat“thriceaccursedyesterday.”

themostawfulrecollectionofthepreviousdaywasthewayhehadshownhimself“baseandmean,”notonlybecausehehadbeendrunk,butbecausehehadtakenadvantageoftheyounggirl’spositiontoabuseherfianceinhisstupidjealousy,knowingnothingoftheirmutualrelationsandobligationsandnexttonothingofthemanhimself.andwhatrighthadhetocriticisehiminthathastyandunguardedmanner?whohadaskedforhisopinion?wasitthinkablethatsuchacreatureasavdotyaromanovnawouldbemarryinganunworthymanformoney?sotheremustbesomethinginhim.thelodgings?butafterallhowcouldheknowthecharacterofthelodgings?hewasfurnishingaflat…foo!howdespicableitallwas!andwhatjustificationwasitthathewasdrunk?suchastupidexcusewasevenmoredegrading!inwineistruth,andthetruthhadallcomeout,“thatis,alltheuncleannessofhiscoarseandenviousheart”!andwouldsuchadreameverbepermissibletohim,razumihin?whatwashebesidesuchagirl—he,thedrunkennoisyartoflastnight?wasitpossibletoimaginesoabsurdandcynicalajuxtaposition?razumihinblusheddesperatelyattheveryideaandsuddenlytherecollectionforceditselfvividlyuponhimofhowhehadsaidlastnightonthestairsthatthelandladywouldbejealousofavdotyaromanovna…thatwassimplyintolerable.hebroughthisfistdownheavilyonthekitchenstove,hurthishandandsentoneofthebricksflying.

“ofcourse,”hemutteredtohimselfaminutelaterwithafeelingofself-abasement,“ofcourse,alltheseinfamiescanneverbewipedoutorsmoothedover…andsoit’suselesseventothinkofit,andimustgototheminsilenceanddomyduty…insilence,too…andnotaskforgiveness,andsaynothing…forallislostnow!”

andyetashedressedheexaminedhisattiremorecarefullythanusual.hehadn’tanothersuit—ifhehadhad,perhapshewouldn’thaveputiton.“iwouldhavemadeapointofnotputtingiton.”butinanycasehecouldnotremainacynicandadirtysloven;hehadnorighttooffendthefeelingsofothers,especiallywhentheywereinneedofhisassistanceandaskinghimtoseethem.hebrushedhisclothescarefully.hislinenwasalwaysdecent;inthatrespecthewasespeciallyclean.

hewashedthatmorningscrupulously—hegotsomesoapfromnastasya—hewashedhishair,hisneckandespeciallyhishands.whenitcametothequestionwhethertoshavehisstubblychinornot(praskovyapavlovnahadcapitalrazorsthathadbeenleftbyherlatehusband),thequestionwasangrilyansweredinthenegative.“letitstayasitis!whatiftheythinkthatishavedonpurposeto…?theycertainlywouldthinkso!notonanyaccount!”

“and…theworstofitwashewassocoarse,sodirty,hehadthemannersofapothouse;and…andevenadmittingthatheknewhehadsomeoftheessentialsofagentleman…whatwasthereinthattobeproudof?everyoneoughttobeagentlemanandmorethanthat…andallthesame(heremembered)he,too,haddonelittlethings…notexactlydishonest,andyet.…andwhatthoughtshesometimeshad;hm…andtosetallthatbesideavdotyaromanovna!confoundit!sobeit!well,he’dmakeapointthenofbeingdirty,greasy,pothouseinhismannersandhewouldn’tcare!he’dbeworse!”

hewasengagedinsuchmonologueswhenzossimov,whohadspentthenightinpraskovyapavlovna’sparlour,camein.

hewasgoinghomeandwasinahurrytolookattheinvalidfirst.razumihininformedhimthatraskolnikovwassleepinglikeadormouse.zossimovgaveordersthattheyshouldn’twakehimandpromisedtoseehimagainabouteleven.

“ifheisstillathome,”headded.“damnitall!ifonecan’tcontrolone’spatients,howisonetocurethem?doyouknowwhetherhewillgotothem,orwhethertheyarecominghere?”

“theyarecoming,ithink,”saidrazumihin,understandingtheobjectofthequestion,“andtheywilldiscusstheirfamilyaffairs,nodoubt.i’llbeoff.you,asthedoctor,havemorerighttobeherethani.”

“butiamnotafatherconfessor;ishallcomeandgoaway;i’veplentytodobesideslookingafterthem.”

“onethingworriesme,”interposedrazumihin,frowning.“onthewayhomeitalkedalotofdrunkennonsensetohim…allsortsofthings…andamongstthemthatyouwereafraidthathe…mightbecomeinsane.”

“youtoldtheladiesso,too.”

“iknowitwasstupid!youmaybeatmeifyoulike!didyouthinksoseriously?”