第75章

第75章“sonia!daughter!forgive!”hecried,andhetriedtoholdouthishandtoher,butlosinghisbalance,hefelloffthesofa,facedownwardsonthefloor.theyrushedtopickhimup,theyputhimonthesofa;buthewasdying.soniawithafaintcryranup,embracedhimandremainedsowithoutmoving.hediedinherarms.

“he’sgotwhathewanted,”katerinaivanovnacried,seeingherhusband’sdeadbody.“well,what’stobedonenow?howamitoburyhim!whatcanigivethemto-morrowtoeat?”

raskolnikovwentuptokaterinaivanovna.

“katerinaivanovna,”hebegan,“lastweekyourhusbandtoldmeallhislifeandcircumstances.…believeme,hespokeofyouwithpassionatereverence.fromthatevening,whenilearnthowdevotedhewastoyouallandhowhelovedandrespectedyouespecially,katerinaivanovna,inspiteofhisunfortunateweakness,fromthateveningwebecamefriends.…allowmenow…todosomething…torepaymydebttomydeadfriend.herearetwentyroubles,ithink—andifthatcanbeofanyassistancetoyou,then…i…inshort,iwillcomeagain,iwillbesuretocomeagain…ishall,perhaps,comeagainto-morrow.…good-bye!”

andhewentquicklyoutoftheroom,squeezinghiswaythroughthecrowdtothestairs.butinthecrowdhesuddenlyjostledagainstnikodimfomitch,whohadheardoftheaccidentandhadcometogiveinstructionsinperson.theyhadnotmetsincethesceneatthepolicestation,butnikodimfomitchknewhiminstantly.

“ah,isthatyou?”heaskedhim.

“he’sdead,”answeredraskolnikov.“thedoctorandthepriesthavebeen,allasitshouldhavebeen.don’tworrythepoorwomantoomuch,sheisinconsumptionasitis.tryandcheerherup,ifpossible…youareakind-heartedman,iknow…”headdedwithasmile,lookingstraightinhisface.

“butyouarespatteredwithblood,”observednikodimfomitch,noticinginthelamplightsomefreshstainsonraskolnikov’swaistcoat.

“yes…i’mcoveredwithblood,”raskolnikovsaidwithapeculiarair;thenhesmiled,noddedandwentdownstairs.

hewalkeddownslowlyanddeliberately,feverishbutnotconsciousofit,entirelyabsorbedinanewoverwhelmingsensationoflifeandstrengththatsurgedupsuddenlywithinhim.thissensationmightbecomparedtothatofamancondemnedtodeathwhohassuddenlybeenpardoned.halfwaydownthestaircasehewasovertakenbythepriestonhiswayhome;raskolnikovlethimpass,exchangingasilentgreetingwithhim.hewasjustdescendingthelaststepswhenheheardrapidfootstepsbehindhim.someoneovertookhim;itwaspolenka.shewasrunningafterhim,calling“wait!wait!”

heturnedround.shewasatthebottomofthestaircaseandstoppedshortastepabovehim.adimlightcameinfromtheyard.raskolnikovcoulddistinguishthechild’sthinbutprettylittleface,lookingathimwithabrightchildishsmile.shehadrunafterhimwithamessagewhichshewasevidentlygladtogive.

“tellme,whatisyourname?…andwheredoyoulive?”shesaidhurriedlyinabreathlessvoice.

helaidbothhandsonhershouldersandlookedatherwithasortofrapture.itwassuchajoytohimtolookather,hecouldnothavesaidwhy.

“whosentyou?”

“sistersoniasentme,”answeredthegirl,smilingstillmorebrightly.

“iknewitwassistersoniasentyou.”

“mammasentme,too…whensistersoniawassendingme,mammacameup,too,andsaid‘runfast,polenka.’”

“doyoulovesistersonia?”

“ilovehermorethananyone,”polenkaansweredwithapeculiarearnestness,andhersmilebecamegraver.

“andwillyouloveme?”

bywayofanswerhesawthelittlegirl’sfaceapproachinghim,herfulllipsnaivelyheldouttokisshim.suddenlyherarmsasthinassticksheldhimtightly,herheadrestedonhisshoulderandthelittlegirlweptsoftly,pressingherfaceagainsthim.

“iamsorryforfather,”shesaidamomentlater,raisinghertear-stainedfaceandbrushingawaythetearswithherhands.“it’snothingbutmisfortunesnow,”sheaddedsuddenlywiththatpeculiarlysedateairwhichchildrentryhardtoassumewhentheywanttospeaklikegrown-uppeople.

“didyourfatherloveyou?”

“helovedlidamost,”shewentonveryseriouslywithoutasmile,exactlylikegrown-uppeople,“helovedherbecausesheislittleandbecausesheisill,too.andhealwaysusedtobringherpresents.buthetaughtustoreadandmegrammarandscripture,too,”sheaddedwithdignity.“andmotherneverusedtosayanything,butweknewthatshelikeditandfatherknewit,too.andmotherwantstoteachmefrench,forit’stimemyeducationbegan.”

“anddoyouknowyourprayers?”

“ofcourse,wedo!weknewthemlongago.isaymyprayerstomyselfasiamabiggirlnow,butkolyaandlidasaythemaloudwithmother.firsttheyrepeatthe‘avemaria’andthenanotherprayer:‘lord,forgiveandblesssistersonia,’andthenanother,‘lord,forgiveandblessoursecondfather.’forourelderfatherisdeadandthisisanotherone,butwedoprayfortheotheraswell.”

“polenka,mynameisrodion.praysometimesforme,too.‘andthyservantrodion,’nothingmore.”

“i’llprayforyoualltherestofmylife,”thelittlegirldeclaredhotly,andsuddenlysmilingagainsherushedathimandedhimwarmlyoncemore.

raskolnikovtoldherhisnameandaddressandpromisedtobesuretocomenextday.thechildwentawayquiteenchantedwithhim.itwaspasttenwhenhecameoutintothestreet.infiveminuteshewasstandingonthebridgeatthespotwherethewomanhadjumpedin.

“enough,”hepronouncedresolutelyandtriumphantly.“i’vedonewithfancies,imaginaryterrorsandphantoms!lifeisreal!haven’tilivedjustnow?mylifehasnotyetdiedwiththatoldwoman!thekingdomofheaventoher—andnowenough,madam,leavemeinpeace!nowforthereignofreasonandlight…andofwill,andofstrength…andnowwewillsee!wewilltryourstrength!”headdeddefiantly,asthoughchallengingsomepowerofdarkness.“andiwasreadytoconsenttoliveinasquareofspace!